I have battled depression and anxiety this winter. Something I haven't battled for about 8 years now. Yes, I've had moments of depression and anxiety or a sporadic day, but certainly not weeks of it until recently. Our church has been going through some changes and the place that I've loved most in the world (the church) has been a hard place to be present as of recently. The one place I felt like was my place of shelter since I was a young child, the community where I have felt accepted most when the rest of the world seemed not to accept me, the vicinity where I felt joy when life hasn't been joyful... was church. I felt really let down that this home I belonged to no longer felt homey to me. It felt like a barren land that I was visiting. A place where I would wander and not know what would lie ahead to eat, drink, or rest my head at night. It began to be a place with tepidity. The realization of it being a place I dreaded truly broke my heart. It left me feeling very desolate.... and very depressed.
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The Lord has been speaking to my Pastor Hubs who has been earnestly seeking Him. For hours on end every evening after dinner he reads, prays, seeks, and studies until the early morning hours. He grabs as many hours of sleep as he can before going into work his full-time job that supports our family. Nowadays he has this fire that's reignited in his bones. (Jeremiah 20:9 ...But his message becomes a fire burning in my heart, shut up in my bones. I become tired of holding it in, and I cannot prevail." The fire that had reignited his heart and bones scattered the ashes into beauty... As for the first time in a long season of darkness and weariness, his fiery bones (along with the Holy Spirit) has leapt forth and caught my bones on fire too!!
I am excited again to go to church! There are changes being made in our church and admittedly it's not easy to see and hear so many people unhappy about such changes. In the spirit of being transparent, the people pleaser in me rears its ugly head and I begin to make idols of the responses and words from others' unhappiness instead of realizing that only God's Word matters! 2 Timothy 2:23 "But reject foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they breed quarrels." And so the Lord is refining me with the fire that which He has shut up and ignited in my bones. He's revealing what He wants for me and for our church through the book of Acts and He's teaching me through my husband who is soberly pursuing God's word and truth.
Have you ever thought about the Day of Pentecost in Acts 2? The start of the very first church. People were gathered together and the Holy Spirit came upon the church at the sound of a mighty, rushing wind. It was so loud and violent from heaven and filled the home where they were staying. It was amazing as all different languages were being spoken and yet everyone knew what everyone else was saying! Everyone was ASTOUNDED! Then Peter stood up and began to preach the Word of God and how to be saved and do you know that 3,000 people came to a saving relationship with Jesus that day? It tells us in v. 42 they DEVOTED themselves to the teaching and fellowship, meals and praying together within the church. What a beautiful picture of what church is supposed to be like!
Now if you move on to chapter 4 Peter and John are imprisoned for their preaching which only caused more people to come to Christ, because now 5,000 people heard the message of Jesus and believed in Him! After a night in prison, they are questioned by the high priest and his family of elders. The high priest & his family didn't like being told that their powers to heal and forgive were being stripped from them. There was a higher Power being declared about in town and His name was Jesus! The One who had died and risen again the 3rd day. The One who had ascended into Heaven and was now sending the Holy Spirit on people to heal the lame. Yet these highly priestly men couldn't deny that something was different about these men. Acts 4:13 says, "They were amazed and recognized that they had been with Jesus." Have you ever seen or known anyone that by the look of them you can tell they know Jesus? Isaiah 60:1 says the glory of the Lord shines upon the face of those who believe in Him. So it makes me think the glory of the Lord was on Peter and John that day!
After they were released from prison and the grip of the high priest, they shared with their church family what had happened to them. Together they raised their voices (Acts 4:24) and they prayed:
Acts 4:29 And now, Lord, consider their threats, and grant that your servants may speak your word with all boldness, 30 while you stretch out your hand for healing, and signs and wonders are performed through the name of your holy servant Jesus.” 31 When they had prayed, the place where they were assembled was shaken, and they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak the word of God boldly.
32 Now the entire group of those who believed were of one heart and mind, and no one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but instead they held everything in common.
Because of the works of the Lord and through much prayer this newly began church of about 120 people (Acts 1:15) grew to be over 5,000 people and seemingly in a very short time. It began with prayer as Acts 1:14 reveals. They were continually united in prayer! What a beautiful picture of what church is!!
I pray that the Lord will hear the prayers of our church. The prayers of my family. The prayers of myself as a woman who is desperate to leave this season of despair and begin a season of novelty, growth, joy, and peace. I pray the Lord will do for our church that which He did for the very first church of the age in Acts 2-4. I pray He will do for me what He did for Peter and Paul and the others and grant me boldness to speak about Jesus as the risen Lord! May my depression be lifted and God be glorified. May my children be made well and sickness not return. May my heart be settled and peace fill it. My prayer for our church as I petition the King is that He may be glorified because of our trust in Him, our boldness through Him, and our unity as a result of Him! Amen
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