Haunting Grip of Narcissism

I have spoken on several occasions about being in the grip of a narcissistic mother. The heartache and the realities of her mental abuse. I have been slandered all over my hometown. People whom I once loved now consider me an enemy. People I once admired and looked up to now think of me as evil and wretched. For this recovering perfectionist.. it hurts. It brings me to my knees on many occasions as I plead before the Lord to remove this "thorn" from me. It seems that no matter where I go, what I do, or how much the Lord grows me as a person.. her narcissism continues to haunt me. However, praise God.. she has NO POWER over me!! This is a TRUTH that I continue to remind myself of. The only One who has POWER over me is Jesus Christ! 

Psalm 55:16-18 

“But I call to God and the LORD will save me. I complain and groan morning, noon, and night, and He hears my voice. Though many are against me, He will redeem me.”

So what do you do when you find out that the narcissist in your family has a terminal illness? There was so much back and forth for me on this. My concern is going back into the tangled web she weaves... goodness knows many people stand upon that web she weaves - she is not alone. Once I'm in it's like I'm a fly stuck in a spider's web. There really is no way out. Unless I go back through the process of leaving again and that heart wrenching scenario is not one I desire to revisit. It took everything out of me last time to do that, and to do it again? No, I couldn't do that to myself or my family again. I really prayed and sought the Lord for wisdom and advice. I spoke to a couple of counselors who counseled me, and the conclusion is that I would write her a good-bye letter. So I share this now so that anyone else who struggles with what to do in this situation may you find some solace within my letter. Everyone in these situations has to do what they feel called to do, but for me this was the best option & decision for me. 

To my mother,
    I am writing you to let you know that I am very sad to hear of your cancer diagnosis. I know you may not have long on this earth, so I feel led to send you this letter. However, please know ahead of time that I will not be writing any other letters. This is my one and final letter to you.
   My heart is saddened that our relationship had to end. I truly tried for many years (prior to no contact with you) to continue our relationship. I asked that you would just hear me when I spoke to you… which meant you taking into consideration my wishes, thoughts, and desires. I wanted you to respect my husband and our children and the life we had created together. I even offered for you to read books I was reading to help you better understand where I was coming from with it all. Everything I asked for was met with scoffs, laughing, and mocking statements of how ridiculous or “funny” you thought I was being. I feel no reason to recount the many stories and circumstances as it is all futile.  You have no idea the pain I felt with walking away from our relationship which subsequently led to losing my sister and Dad too. However, it truly came down to me serving you or me serving God. I had made you an idol in my life. Trying so desperately to please you in order to be loved by you. Trying to be perfect enough that you wouldn’t belittle me. And in the end… if it came between saving myself or continuing to try and find your favor… I had to choose me. My entire life I never felt “chosen” by anyone except for Jesus (and my husband.) Finally, I had to choose me in order to save me. In order to be free of the bondage I was in and to become the woman God created to me be.
   I get you probably once again are thinking how ridiculous I am or claiming how untrue my statements are. That’s not new to me…. and so I have to accept that and let it be okay. I prayed for years before walking away, because I didn’t think I was strong enough and I desperately didn’t want to choose that.  I understood the consequences and although they were all so much greater than I could have ever predicted… I knew it was something I had to do. It was after years of me trying everything: pleading, begging, crying, demanding, and then taking breaks from our relationship. Even still I was not ever heard. You continued to treat me the same way and that is what led to my choice for no contact.  Over and over the Lord has affirmed my decision to walk away and no longer serve others at the expense of losing myself. I choose to serve only Jesus and answer only to Him.  I will not apologize for choosing me after 5 years of doing everything possible to have some semblance of a healthy relationship with you. I will not say I’m sorry for walking away.
   I will tell you that despite everything… I love you! Unfortunately, the only way I could truly love you was from afar. Please know that I pray for you every day (even before all of this news.) I will tell you that I am so sad you have to deal with this terminal diagnosis journey. I will tell you that I am so glad you believe in Jesus and will have eternal life with Him. I am thankful that you gave me life. I am thankful that one day we will meet in Heaven and both of us be restored.
   I am saddened you’re going through this, but I want you to know up front that I will not be coming to you. However, I also want you to know that I am praying for you fervently and many times a day. I am praying for the Holy Spirit to comfort you, for Jesus to ease your pain, and for God to cradle you in His arms as He plans your arrival in Heaven. I know you look forward to seeing so many people there and my hope is that the Lord will give you a peace beyond any understanding imaginable.  May He be your source of comfort and strength over this next year.
 Love,
(signed my name)

(Incase you're wondering... I do believe she is saved. She believes in Jesus and believes that He died on the cross for her sins. She believes He rose again on the 3rd day. According to John 3:16 and Acts 16:31 (along with other verses) she is saved. I do believe her relationship with Jesus (her sanctification) is hindered because of the way she chooses to live her life. However, God will judge her for that. It is not my job to judge her. It is my job to take care of me and have the best relationship I can have with Jesus as my Lord & my Savior. As my Adonai.)

She claims I am heartless and evil. She paints me out to be a villain. The saddest part for me is that as a daughter of a narcissistic mother.. nobody can see or understand the pain she has caused our family that resulted in our separation from her. Years of abuse and yet I am still the one who is called unsympathetic and my faith is questioned. Only someone who has walked this road can truly understand the pain involved. But I will tell you this, many daughters of narcissistic mothers fight to live normal lives. They fight to be free of the fear that is cast upon them. They fight to be who God made them to be. I stand here before you now to say: I. AM. FREE! God broke the chains that dug into my body and He took my feet out of sinking sand and set me on solid rock. He set me free! He did that for ME!! It's only, always, ever, because of Jesus!!