Haunting Grip of Narcissism

I have spoken on several occasions about being in the grip of a narcissistic mother. The heartache and the realities of her mental abuse. I have been slandered all over my hometown. People whom I once loved now consider me an enemy. People I once admired and looked up to now think of me as evil and wretched. For this recovering perfectionist.. it hurts. It brings me to my knees on many occasions as I plead before the Lord to remove this "thorn" from me. It seems that no matter where I go, what I do, or how much the Lord grows me as a person.. her narcissism continues to haunt me. However, praise God.. she has NO POWER over me!! This is a TRUTH that I continue to remind myself of. The only One who has POWER over me is Jesus Christ! 

Psalm 55:16-18 

“But I call to God and the LORD will save me. I complain and groan morning, noon, and night, and He hears my voice. Though many are against me, He will redeem me.”

So what do you do when you find out that the narcissist in your family has a terminal illness? There was so much back and forth for me on this. My concern is going back into the tangled web she weaves... goodness knows many people stand upon that web she weaves - she is not alone. Once I'm in it's like I'm a fly stuck in a spider's web. There really is no way out. Unless I go back through the process of leaving again and that heart wrenching scenario is not one I desire to revisit. It took everything out of me last time to do that, and to do it again? No, I couldn't do that to myself or my family again. I really prayed and sought the Lord for wisdom and advice. I spoke to a couple of counselors who counseled me, and the conclusion is that I would write her a good-bye letter. So I share this now so that anyone else who struggles with what to do in this situation may you find some solace within my letter. Everyone in these situations has to do what they feel called to do, but for me this was the best option & decision for me. 

To my mother,
    I am writing you to let you know that I am very sad to hear of your cancer diagnosis. I know you may not have long on this earth, so I feel led to send you this letter. However, please know ahead of time that I will not be writing any other letters. This is my one and final letter to you.
   My heart is saddened that our relationship had to end. I truly tried for many years (prior to no contact with you) to continue our relationship. I asked that you would just hear me when I spoke to you… which meant you taking into consideration my wishes, thoughts, and desires. I wanted you to respect my husband and our children and the life we had created together. I even offered for you to read books I was reading to help you better understand where I was coming from with it all. Everything I asked for was met with scoffs, laughing, and mocking statements of how ridiculous or “funny” you thought I was being. I feel no reason to recount the many stories and circumstances as it is all futile.  You have no idea the pain I felt with walking away from our relationship which subsequently led to losing my sister and Dad too. However, it truly came down to me serving you or me serving God. I had made you an idol in my life. Trying so desperately to please you in order to be loved by you. Trying to be perfect enough that you wouldn’t belittle me. And in the end… if it came between saving myself or continuing to try and find your favor… I had to choose me. My entire life I never felt “chosen” by anyone except for Jesus (and my husband.) Finally, I had to choose me in order to save me. In order to be free of the bondage I was in and to become the woman God created to me be.
   I get you probably once again are thinking how ridiculous I am or claiming how untrue my statements are. That’s not new to me…. and so I have to accept that and let it be okay. I prayed for years before walking away, because I didn’t think I was strong enough and I desperately didn’t want to choose that.  I understood the consequences and although they were all so much greater than I could have ever predicted… I knew it was something I had to do. It was after years of me trying everything: pleading, begging, crying, demanding, and then taking breaks from our relationship. Even still I was not ever heard. You continued to treat me the same way and that is what led to my choice for no contact.  Over and over the Lord has affirmed my decision to walk away and no longer serve others at the expense of losing myself. I choose to serve only Jesus and answer only to Him.  I will not apologize for choosing me after 5 years of doing everything possible to have some semblance of a healthy relationship with you. I will not say I’m sorry for walking away.
   I will tell you that despite everything… I love you! Unfortunately, the only way I could truly love you was from afar. Please know that I pray for you every day (even before all of this news.) I will tell you that I am so sad you have to deal with this terminal diagnosis journey. I will tell you that I am so glad you believe in Jesus and will have eternal life with Him. I am thankful that you gave me life. I am thankful that one day we will meet in Heaven and both of us be restored.
   I am saddened you’re going through this, but I want you to know up front that I will not be coming to you. However, I also want you to know that I am praying for you fervently and many times a day. I am praying for the Holy Spirit to comfort you, for Jesus to ease your pain, and for God to cradle you in His arms as He plans your arrival in Heaven. I know you look forward to seeing so many people there and my hope is that the Lord will give you a peace beyond any understanding imaginable.  May He be your source of comfort and strength over this next year.
 Love,
(signed my name)

(Incase you're wondering... I do believe she is saved. She believes in Jesus and believes that He died on the cross for her sins. She believes He rose again on the 3rd day. According to John 3:16 and Acts 16:31 (along with other verses) she is saved. I do believe her relationship with Jesus (her sanctification) is hindered because of the way she chooses to live her life. However, God will judge her for that. It is not my job to judge her. It is my job to take care of me and have the best relationship I can have with Jesus as my Lord & my Savior. As my Adonai.)

She claims I am heartless and evil. She paints me out to be a villain. The saddest part for me is that as a daughter of a narcissistic mother.. nobody can see or understand the pain she has caused our family that resulted in our separation from her. Years of abuse and yet I am still the one who is called unsympathetic and my faith is questioned. Only someone who has walked this road can truly understand the pain involved. But I will tell you this, many daughters of narcissistic mothers fight to live normal lives. They fight to be free of the fear that is cast upon them. They fight to be who God made them to be. I stand here before you now to say: I. AM. FREE! God broke the chains that dug into my body and He took my feet out of sinking sand and set me on solid rock. He set me free! He did that for ME!! It's only, always, ever, because of Jesus!! 

Fearful Existence

Being the daughter of a narcissistic mother and a self-absorbed father caused me to question many things in my childhood. I tiptoed along the edges of my life fearful of what would lay around the corner. I didn't feel safe. Not emotionally. Which transferred into not feeling safe physically. I was never sure if my mom would be happy with me or if she would explode her frustrations before me. If she was in a good mood, then all seemed right in the world. More often than not, she was in a depressed mood. Which translated, "leave me alone." If things were not done the way she wanted them accomplished, then there was a huge price to pay. She would explode and when she did it was a tsunami of emotions that threatened to drown me. It felt lonely and uncertainty loomed above me. I was never sure why she was so angry. I couldn't understand how trying my "best" was never good enough. I didn't like being blamed for situations out of my control. However, all these things were embedded deep into my memory bank to remind me of how stupid, how wrong, and how bad I was.

As a young child, I didn't understand these emotions. Now that I do, I can tell you that most children with narcissistic parents wrestle with fear. My fear translated itself into safety within my home. What if we were broken into? What if someone tried to kill me in my sleep? I could crawl out my window, but there are woods behind me and I might get lost. Every night, I tried to figure out what I'd do if & when this happened. My emotional fear had transferred itself and threatened my physical safety. Which, oddly enough, only created more fear & emotional turmoil inside of me.

Today, I still wrestle with fear. Fearful of being broken into. Fearful that I may appear stupid when talking with others.... that I might say the wrong thing. Fearful that I am not liked. Fearful that others will think poorly of me. I'll admit to you though, the times that my fear runs the most rampant in my mind, is when I am not taking care of myself emotionally. I have to be diligent to stay in God's word. I have to keep my boundaries strong for what I want & desire for my life and not allow others to determine those boundaries for me. I have to reach out and ask for help when my fear is threatening to overtake me. When we bring our fear out of the darkness & into the light of God, then satan can no longer use those fears to haunt us.

For years, I have chosen to unshackle my prisons of fear. It is something I take to the cross every day, because I serve a big God!! 

Sometimes we are afraid, sometimes this “spirit of fear” overcomes us, and to overcome it we need to trust in and love God completely. “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love” (1 John 4:18). No one is perfect, and God knows this. That is why He has liberally sprinkled encouragement against fear throughout the Bible. Beginning in the book of Genesis and continuing throughout the book of Revelation, God reminds us to “Fear not.”

Friends, I love the different names of God! The one I am continuing to learn about Him right now is His name, El Elroi. Which means, God Who Sees! I love that He sees my affliction and knows my heart. I love that He knows when nobody else knows. I love that He knows when I don't know. I love that He is the all-knowing, ever seeing, and always loving God! He has me in His hands and it's with His power that I continue to turn my fear over to Him and allow Him to make me perfect in His love. He can do the same for you, Friend! 

Jesus can cast fear out of your life. Jesus can cast drug addition out of your life. Jesus can heal you from your sexual sin. Jesus can bring you to Himself and save you out of the darkness you're in! How do I know this? Because Jesus continues to redeem me from the mentally abusive childhood I endured and it is Jesus who has healed my brokenness and made me new! He knows, Friend... He knows!!! Will you let Jesus know you today?

Psalm 84:11-12 "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you."

Attacks From The Enemy

Attacks from Satan can come in many packages. For the last 3 weeks I've been attacked in a major way. I'm a person who likes to be busy and I like structure. When that gets interrupted, then I start feeling unsure of myself. I waiver in my responses. I start down a spiral of self-condemnation and it's a battle that often leads me into sadness.

I have suffered 2 medical issues within the last 3 weeks. For me, who is never sick, then this was a major blow for me. One of them will require a minor, outpatient surgery in the coming weeks. Something I do not look forward to in the least.

Our youngest son had eye surgery in a location 3 hours from home which required multiple trips for pre-op, op, & post-op visits.

My husband's job felt uncertain, although it wasn't... it felt that way. Plus, it's easy to make things bigger in your mind then they really are.  That's exactly what satan wants, in fact.

I got some things in the mail from my family, whom I had to separate myself from due to extreme narcissism & abuse, and that mail wasn't welcome. It was shocking, in fact. It rocked me to my core. The mental & emotional abuse I've sustained throughout my life is a testimony to the redemption I now have in Jesus. I am grateful He rescued me from the abuse. When an "abuser" sends you things you aren't expecting, then it can easily strike fear within your heart.

Plus some other everyday issues that just added to the mix.

Then, a few days ago as I was trying to pull myself out of the sadness I was drowning in... I was *determined* to have a good day. I woke up and told our kids that we could go to the community pool. We got ready and headed there. It was 10 am and we realized once we got there that they don't open til 11. So we headed down the road to the park for an hour. Our middle son, 6 years old, was stung by a wasp while playing. We ended up still going to swim and thankfully they had a first aid kit and helped with the sting.

After we got home, then I realized I'd lost my driver's license along the way. I took it with me in our swimming bag so I wouldn't have to take my entire wallet. Alas, it was lost and nowhere to be found.

Next, before dinner while our daughter took a shower we realize there was a major leak from the bathtub and water was pouring into our 1/2 bath downstairs.

When it rains, it pours, doesn't it? Literally.... pours! Surprisingly, I was able to keep smiling and knowing that God is in control despite the irritations of the day!

When we feel uncertain and rocked to our core that's when we can trust in Jesus to be our certainty and be the rock that we need to hold us up!

Joshua 1:9

"This is my command- be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." 

I love that this isn't a suggestion. It's a command! When we feel the lowest and feel as if we are in the pits of despair, then we can trust in the Lord, our God! He is with us!! With us wherever we go! Whether it's to the pool, the park, or at home! At church, at workplaces, at family gatherings, etc. We can trust and we can know, without a shadow of a doubt, that He is with us and we do not have to be discouraged.

It's during these times that I can look back and see the heartache & hardship, but know that God hasn't left me. Truthfully, friends, it's during these times that God is about to do something great that satan wants to squelch, so he will do whatever he can to get my focus off of God. I look forward to what the Lord has in store for me and I trust that He alone is my salvation and because of Him I am not afraid and I am not discouraged.

"Sometimes providence can be defined as times when God trumps your perfectly good plan with one of His own... then seems to disappear from it. Take heart, Beloved! He's right there and He's there right." -Beth Moore: Esther

What about you? Have you ever been attacked by satan in such a way that rocked you to your core only to see the Hand of God prevail?

Idols

My Testimony

I grew up in a church going home. Not a Christian home. My home wasn’t filled with prayer or God’s promises. It wasn’t filled with kindness or joy. It was filled with rules & regulations and no matter how much I tried to follow the rules… I could never measure up. I was reminded over and over again that I was bad. Not that I was bad and in need of a Savior. No, I was just bad for being me.

So I tried to be good. When good wasn’t good enough, then I tried harder to be good. Until I reached the point of trying to reach perfection. Once you strive for perfection, then there’s no where else to go except down. Perfection is impossible and it’s detrimental to the soul. It robs you of small joys. It removes pieces of you little by little until you feel that only threads are holding you together. No matter how perfect I tried to be… in my home, it still wasn’t perfect enough.

I grew up with a narcissistic mother and a father who only enjoyed playing. He did discipline though.. and often. I have very few good memories of my childhood. We would go on outings pretty often. Truthfully, aside from these day trips and a couple other memories, this sums up the goodness of my childhood. Mostly I felt inadequate as a daughter, unprotected by my bullying sister, and unworthy to have as a friend.

In my early teenage years my parents separated and then divorced. As a 12 year old when my life already felt uncertain, my hormones were wacky, and I didn’t have a sense of who I was yet, then this brokenness to our already broken home was devastating. The sense of perfection heightened in me.

“If only I had behaved better, then maybe my mother wouldn’t have felt the need to yell at me all the time.”

“If only I had listened better to my dad when he shared with me all the financial woes of our household and swore me to secrecy.”

“If only I hadn’t fought with my sister so much, then our home would have been happier.”

So as I tried to find a new normal within myself, then I strived to reach a more perfect, perfect.

With their divorce, I was no longer just the sounding board for my dad. He shared with me all of his troubles (maritally and financially) as if I was his pro-bono counselor. I was now a sounding board for my mother too. My dad left her for another woman. So she was broken and it was my unspoken duty to raise her up, dust her off, and prepare her for her new life. I was very unprepared to do this thing at the ripe age of 13. My sister was labeled as irresponsible, so she couldn’t be trusted to do this. Only I could and I began resenting my mom more and more. She married another man soon thereafter and I warned him about her. “She doesn’t listen well.” “She likes to yell.” I told him. “She is a hard person to live with.” He scoffed at me and told me he would be fine. He then became verbally abusive to me. He would scream at me how bad I was. That I would ruin his daughter. The truth is, I was a good kid even though they didn’t think so. I did talk a lot, but I didn’t do drugs. I wasn’t having sex. I made good grades in school. I went to church. Their words haunted me and confirmed to me how bad I really was. No matter what, I couldn’t be good enough. I had begged my mom not to marry this man. She laughed at me. Every time I told her what I wanted or needed no matter the circumstance, I was labeled as being silly. Untruthful. She often told me I was funny for it.

Later in my life, I began being sassy and hateful in an effort to push her away. I desperately wanted to find a sense of who I was. My life was instead wrapped up with how she saw me and treated me. So she took me to the doctor and medicated me with anti-depressants claiming it was my father who had caused this in me. This is what a narcissistic does. They cannot take responsibility for their own actions. It was at this time that I began praying for the Lord to let me die. I begged for him to let me get into a car wreck during my commute to work & school. I would cry every time a tractor-trailor truck passed me and I was okay. There were lots of these large trucks on the road that led to my home. I felt it was my only way out, because as a perfectionist then there’s no way I could do it to myself. That would make me look imperfect. However, in my mind, then I could pray for the Lord to let it happen to me. Thankfully, He never answered those prayers in the way I hoped.

I went to church Sunday morning and Sunday night and on Wednesday night. If there was any type of program or function, then I would be there. I stopped helping in the nursery (which I enjoyed), so that I could be in the service. There was some truth I was missing and I had to find it! I started going to other churches too and getting involved there also. The truth must be more apparent at these churches, because I wasn’t finding it at my current church. I went through high school feeling desperately alone, misunderstood, and shackled to my perfection. I applied to and got into a Christian college. I thought that maybe there I could find what I was looking for. There, people would be Christians and they would understand me. They wouldn’t treat me badly. They wouldn’t make fun of me or hurt me on purpose.

I met Andy the summer before I left for college. He was kind to me. He didn’t expect me to be perfect. When I would make a mistake and break into tears begging for forgiveness he would calmly tell me how it was just an accident and I was okay. He made me feel important and loved, for the first time ever. He finished his senior year at college while I started my college career. I was definitely in for an awakening while I was there! I realized that I was still bad. Bad at school, bad at friendships, a bad roommate, and a bad communicator. I struggled through my freshman year and left feeling once again very alone and as if no matter how hard I tried, then I couldn’t do well with anything in life.

Andy rescued me that Summer when he married me and took me away from the chaos of my family. The one that I could do nothing right. The family that made me question my reality at every turn, because I couldn’t possibly feel the way I was feeling. The family who made me feel like I did a good job trying to be good, but really wasn’t very good at all. Andy helped to heal my heart. He told me the truths of God and helped me understand God’s grace and the forgiveness of Jesus. He helped me know that it was okay if I wasn’t perfect and that noone could achieve perfection.

We had been together for 6 years and attending a wonderful church that held amazing truths of God’s Word. One Sunday we had an Evangelist preacher come speak. He talked about his salvation and God’s goodness. I realized then that I wasn’t saved. The Lord spoke to Andy and whispered my name to him. He approached me about this and I was very defensive, because I couldn’t believe this was true. I had felt that I was saved as a young girl at bible camp. I don’t think I truly understood what it meant to be saved at this time. Although, undoubtedly, through the hardships of growing up in a broken home with a narcissistic mother and not-so-present father… the Lord had His hand on me! It was shocking to realize my perfection had gotten me nowhere with God. So at 24 years old on February 22, 2009 I asked the Lord to save me from my sins.

At the moment, it was like I held this small box of perfection in my hands. As I prayed to the Lord I could see this little box I held. I handed it over to the Father and released it to Him. No longer could I do this. No longer could I be perfect enough for Him either. It was only by His grace and the sacrifice of Jesus that I could be saved. I finally realized that my perfection could no longer save me.

A couple years later I began to realize I am still bad. Even though I tried desperately to still be good. I knew I couldn’t be perfect and I knew I wasn’t. I was okay with that. However, I was still really bad at being a daughter, a wife and a friend. I felt that I was a pretty good mom, but that was the only area of life that I wasn’t desperately messing up. I sought help through biblical counseling and the Lord granted me with a lady with such wisdom and strength. For years we walked the path of redemption together. She helped me to see that God’s grace is sufficient. I could never be enough for my parents, because they couldn’t see me for who the Creator created me to be. They couldn’t see my gifts or acknowledge that I was a woman after God’s own heart. I did some work on communication in my marriage too. It took many years of healing, but today I stand before you truly redeemed from the brokenness I once felt.

More than once in my life I have been suicidal. For much of my life I felt worthless; Unworthy of friendship or love. That’s not who God says I am though! Through the salvation of Jesus I am clothed in robes of righteousness (Isaiah 61:10), clothed with strength & dignity (Prov. 31:25) and a child of the one true King (Gal. 3:26) and so now I know that I no longer need perfection in my life. All I need is Jesus! As a recovering perfectionist.... How thankful I am for His redemption over me!