Are You On Guard?

As I got out of bed in the middle of the night a few nights ago, then our dog got up with me. She walked around our bedroom and then went and laid back down in her bed. It dawned on me, every time I get up in the middle of the night whether to go to the bathroom, to calm a crying child, or whatever the case may be.. then our sweet Cassie gets up with me. She's even been known to alert me when a child wakes up crying and I haven't woken up enough to hear them yet. She is always on guard.


Then I thought, no wonder she (or really any other "guard" dog) sleeps all day. She never fully sleeps through the night, because she is always on guard. Next, a couple other thoughts came to my mind. Yes, it was still the middle of the night, ha!


1. How often do we feel that we have to be on guard? How often do we feel that we have to get up and fix things, check on things, and be in control of all situations? Do we trust the Father? Do we trust that God has our best interest at heart and we can rest in Him knowing that He has got everything planned out for us? He has control over what will happen in our lives. He will go before us... provide for us and prepare the way for us. So, do we trust Him? Or are you constantly getting up and trying to figure out what's happening next? Do you walk around aimlessly seeking out what your next move shall be? Do you do this to the point that you're consistently left defeated and exhausted from all that this world offers?



2. My next thought was the flip side of this. Satan roams around this earth looking for whom he can devour next. Are we on guard? We fight against the principalities of this world and there is so much darkness surrounding us. If we don't keep ourselves on guard against the enemy, then he can so easily steal our joy. We can so easily buy into the lies that he offers: you aren't good enough, you aren't pretty enough, you aren't worth enough. That is not who God says we, as believers, are though! The Bible tells us to be on guard against evil. So be your own guard dog and guard your thoughts and your heart against the wickedness of this world and don't believe the father of lies when he speaks fiction over you.


So what category do you fall under? I think we need to have a balance in our lives. It's not easy and I've been guilty of falling into both of these traps. Let's see what God's word says about this.


Exodus 23:20 See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared.

Matthew 11:10 I will send my messenger ahead of you, who will prepare your way before you.

Genesis 50:21 So then, don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children. And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them.

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Psalm 22:8 "He trusts in the Lord,” they say, “let the Lord rescue him. Let him deliver him, since he delights in him

Likewise..

1 Corinthians 16:13 Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong.

Ephesians 6:11-12 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

John 8:44 He [satan] was a murderer from the beginning, and has nothing to do with the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.


What does the Bible say about who I am?

John 15:15 I no longer call you slaves, because the slave does not understand what his master is doing. But I have called you friends, because I have revealed to you everything I heard from my Father

Romans 3:24 But they are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus

Proverbs 31:25 You are clothed with strength and dignity.

Isaiah 61:10 I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.


Ephesians 1:7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace


So let's gather together and trust that the Lord, the Ancient of Days, will not forsake us and He is our deliverer and we can trust that He will work all things out for us, but let us also be on guard against the evil of this world while also not believing that which satan means for our harm.

Isaiah 46:9-10 Remember the former things of old; for I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me, declaring the end from the beginning and from ancient times things not yet done, saying, ‘My counsel shall stand, and I will accomplish all my purpose."

Celebrating Deliverance

I have been pretty candid on my blog so far about having to walk away from mentally & emotionally abusive relationships and the fear that is still a stronghold (although it's thankfully dwindling) in my life. However, as I am wrapping up my bible study on the book of Esther with Beth Moore the Lord continues to reveal to me that He holds me in His hands. I am excited to tell you, Friend... He holds you too!!

Please allow me to share a few things I've learned over the last few days that are cultivating my continued healing.

Esther 9:19 tells us of the new appointed holiday that the Jews will annually celebrate. This is because they are free from the decree that was put on them by Haman to annihilate and destroy all of them. They decided to celebrate... they chose joy!! Beth Moore states, "Because Christ has overcome sin and the grave, any day can be a day of joy, but can you imagine the impact of becoming deliberate about it?"

Feast of Purim

So on this special day they give presents and special food to each other along with throwing feasts & banquets. In the passage, you'll see the word gift or present.Those words can mean gift of food or even something more than food. Let me dig deeper and tie this together for you with more scripture! Psalm 16:5-6 says "you make my 'lot' secure" and in Esther 3:7 the word "lot" is also used when Haman threw lots to see what day the Jews' slaughter would be held.
The word "lot" here is the SAME Hebrew word as gift! The 3 words favor, portions (aka presents), and lots are interlaced. Beth declares, "No matter what life - or Satan himself - hands us, the favor God has on His children causes that "lot" to tumble out on the table in such a way that, instead of destruction the child will discover that her portion is turned into destiny one trusting step at a time. When all is said and done, she will see that the portion God assigned her was good. Right. Rich. Full of purpose."

Psalm 16:5 ESV "The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot." This verse really spoke to me!

I have seen the goodness of my God! He has rescued me from my enemies. The day we can realize this... that God has the best plans for us when we follow Him, then we will have "a day of joy and feasting, a day for giving presents to eachother" (Esther 9:19, NIV)

Beth Moore states, "We glorify God when we celebrate our deliverance."

So I continue to share with you reflections of my redemption. As raw as it is,as painful as it's been, and as victorious as I stand. This blog is not about me. It's about my deliverance.... and that's about Jesus! So when I celebrate my deliverance by sharing my story with you (God called me to do so), then I am glorifying God! "God gave His one and only Son as His portion and we who receive Him have the joy of giving to others out of that lavish portion." - Beth

So, let me leave you with one last set of verses. Here is the original verse: Psalm 30:1-3,11-12 and here for you is my version and the account of my deliverance.

I will exalt You, O Lord, for You are my Redeemer and did not let my enemies gloat over me. O Lord my God, I called to You for help and You rescued me.

O Lord, You brought me up from the grave; you spared me from mental abuse, the perfection I once sought, and the hopelessness I once felt.

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with righteousness, joy, kindness, gladness, hope, love, peace, and grace that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you praise forever!!

Better with Boundaries

For many years I have struggled with putting boundaries in place. Learning that it's okay to say no. Realizing that if I am unable to be apart of something or choose not to do it, then I am not in sin.

 I grew up in a home of high expectations. I was not allowed to have an opinion and I most certainly was not allowed to say no. However, my thoughts and attitudes were secretly expected to match those of my mother. This left me in a perpetual state of guessing her desires and trying to live up to them. That's a day in the life as a child of a narcissist. 

For many years I was in counseling. Learning who I was and who I'm not. Determining I'm not persistently in sin or bad for having my own thoughts & desires. Grasping this new idea of boundaries. Through counseling and reading books I realized that boundaries are a Christian thing to do. It's something God himself does. It is not sinful and it is not wrong and boundaries are actually a sign of being healthy!

I learned this concept about 5 years ago. Truly put it into practice 2 years ago. Fought for my life with it 1 year ago. Fought & won! It was a battle of boundaries to pull myself up from the mire I was sinking in and declare myself an adult Christian woman with a family who deserved to be treated respectfully & honorably. Psalm 69:14 "Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink; deliver me from those who hate me, from the deep waters." was my anthem... and God did that for me!

So yes, I was rescued! I fought the battle! I won the war! God and me!! Truthfully though, I still wrestle with my old demons of feeling "bad" and "unworthy" and "unrighteous" for setting boundaries. Even though over and over the Lord has revealed to me that I am not in sin. In fact, I am choosing to follow Him instead of the idols of pleasing people.

THEN!! This week in Esther the Lord revealed something big to me!! Esther set a HUGE boundary! Haman had set a date to kill her and all her people. She had gone before the King twice! The second time she revealed to him what Haman was planning... annihilation of her people. The King stormed out and Haman stayed behind with Esther to plead for his life. Harem protocol in those days was that no man should be alone with one of the King's women and even moreso, not within 7 feet! Haman, however, *fell on the couch* where Esther was laying. He really felt he had nothing more to lose! 

So let me pause for a moment. I've set boundaries and they weren't accepted well... at all. Later, after boundaries were kept in place, then I was given apologies. Half-hearted apologies. Not sincere ones. Just shame-inducing excuses to try and get me back into a place where I used to be.. under the influence of mental abuse. I didn't accept these apologies. Although, in my heart I had forgiven these boundary-less and merciless people who wreaked havoc in my life. I had taken them to the cross of Jesus and left them there for Him to heal and help. Because, honestly, I no longer could.

Now, returning to Esther. Beth Moore says, "I don't think she could take the chance that he or the situation would change. Furthermore, does begging for one's life equal repentance? Is anything more natural or instinctive than pleading for your own skin when it's in jeopardy?" I hear that! I recognize that sort of apology! It isn't for the sake of truly seeking repentance... it's purely for the advantage of someone else's reputation.

"So long as an enemy as powerful and shrewd as Haman lived he was a threat to Esther, Mordecai, and the Jewish community. To say here that Esther was merciless and unfeeling is to misinterpret the entire situation. Thus, while her heart might have prompted her to be merciful, logic and prudence restrained her." - Carey, Moore, The Anchor Bible Commentary.

So the truth is, Friends, boundaries are important. For all of us, even Queens of Persia! They aren't sinful or ungodly. They are necessary. Beth Moore states that if someone goes out of their way to harm someone else they're digging a pit. Psalm 7:15-16 "Whoever digs a hole and scoops it out falls into the pit they have made.The trouble they cause recoils on them;  their violence comes down on their own heads." Haman dug his pit. "Knowingly or not, Haman had placed himself in Satan's hands only to be betrayed by him. It happens every time." - Beth Moore. 

My family dug their pit by choosing to ignore me beseeching them for grace and extensions of mercy. For years, I asked them to listen to me instead of ignore me. To talk respectfully to my husband and me instead of calling me names or disparage my man. For years, I begged and cried. I demanded and hoped. I wrote letters and I waited. The pit was dug. As Beth says, "In effect Christ says, 'I'm already great enough for both of us,' relieving the willing of their woeful burden. 'Just follow Me.'" So I chose to lay down the life of mental abuse, and walk away.. as hard as that was.. to the life that Jesus had intended for me. I laid down my life and followed Jesus! 

So, I share this all with you to say that once again the Lord redeemed me this week from the shackles of fear. Fear that I am not a good person. Fear that I am sinful for setting boundaries. Fear that I am "bad". He continues to redeem me and set me free. He continues to rescue me and show me that I am His! 

I can identify with Paul in the Bible who says "But whatever I am now, it is all because God poured out his special favor on me--and not without results. For I have worked harder than any of the other apostles; yet it was not I but God who was working through me by his grace." 1 Corinthians 15:10

Fearful Existence

Being the daughter of a narcissistic mother and a self-absorbed father caused me to question many things in my childhood. I tiptoed along the edges of my life fearful of what would lay around the corner. I didn't feel safe. Not emotionally. Which transferred into not feeling safe physically. I was never sure if my mom would be happy with me or if she would explode her frustrations before me. If she was in a good mood, then all seemed right in the world. More often than not, she was in a depressed mood. Which translated, "leave me alone." If things were not done the way she wanted them accomplished, then there was a huge price to pay. She would explode and when she did it was a tsunami of emotions that threatened to drown me. It felt lonely and uncertainty loomed above me. I was never sure why she was so angry. I couldn't understand how trying my "best" was never good enough. I didn't like being blamed for situations out of my control. However, all these things were embedded deep into my memory bank to remind me of how stupid, how wrong, and how bad I was.

As a young child, I didn't understand these emotions. Now that I do, I can tell you that most children with narcissistic parents wrestle with fear. My fear translated itself into safety within my home. What if we were broken into? What if someone tried to kill me in my sleep? I could crawl out my window, but there are woods behind me and I might get lost. Every night, I tried to figure out what I'd do if & when this happened. My emotional fear had transferred itself and threatened my physical safety. Which, oddly enough, only created more fear & emotional turmoil inside of me.

Today, I still wrestle with fear. Fearful of being broken into. Fearful that I may appear stupid when talking with others.... that I might say the wrong thing. Fearful that I am not liked. Fearful that others will think poorly of me. I'll admit to you though, the times that my fear runs the most rampant in my mind, is when I am not taking care of myself emotionally. I have to be diligent to stay in God's word. I have to keep my boundaries strong for what I want & desire for my life and not allow others to determine those boundaries for me. I have to reach out and ask for help when my fear is threatening to overtake me. When we bring our fear out of the darkness & into the light of God, then satan can no longer use those fears to haunt us.

For years, I have chosen to unshackle my prisons of fear. It is something I take to the cross every day, because I serve a big God!! 

Sometimes we are afraid, sometimes this “spirit of fear” overcomes us, and to overcome it we need to trust in and love God completely. “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love” (1 John 4:18). No one is perfect, and God knows this. That is why He has liberally sprinkled encouragement against fear throughout the Bible. Beginning in the book of Genesis and continuing throughout the book of Revelation, God reminds us to “Fear not.”

Friends, I love the different names of God! The one I am continuing to learn about Him right now is His name, El Elroi. Which means, God Who Sees! I love that He sees my affliction and knows my heart. I love that He knows when nobody else knows. I love that He knows when I don't know. I love that He is the all-knowing, ever seeing, and always loving God! He has me in His hands and it's with His power that I continue to turn my fear over to Him and allow Him to make me perfect in His love. He can do the same for you, Friend! 

Jesus can cast fear out of your life. Jesus can cast drug addition out of your life. Jesus can heal you from your sexual sin. Jesus can bring you to Himself and save you out of the darkness you're in! How do I know this? Because Jesus continues to redeem me from the mentally abusive childhood I endured and it is Jesus who has healed my brokenness and made me new! He knows, Friend... He knows!!! Will you let Jesus know you today?

Psalm 84:11-12 "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you."

Choosing Redeemed

As I am studying the book of Esther in the Bible alongside Beth Moore's wonderful study, Esther: It's Tough Being a Woman then the Lord is convicting me of much. In her DVD's she spoke last week about being transparent. Beth said, "One of the most important parts of fulfilling our destiny is transparency."

 Then, we studied chapter 4 this week in the book of Esther. How Esther had to choose would she be her Jew given name, Hadassah or would she choose to be her Persian given name, Esther? Hadassah the Jew was as much apart of the Jewish annihilation that was scheduled to take place in just 11 short months. Hadassah the Jew wasn't exempt from losing her life or her family [Mordecai]. However, Esther the Persian was wife to the King. No one in the royal household knew that she was Jewish. Esther the Persian hadn't been summoned by the King in 30 days. Esther the Persian would have to risk her life if she went before the King without being asked to come there first.

So who would she choose to be? Hadassah the Jew or Esther the Perisan? She came to the realization that either way she was destined to perish, but there was one exception. Going to the King may mean he would reach out his sceptor and if he did that then her life would be spared.

"Esther would identify herself with her covenant people even if it killed her. If it didn't, life as she'd known it was dead anyway. There was no way back. She must step into the unknown known and into the hiddenness completely unhidden." - Beth Moore

So as I've pondered on the teachings of Beth Moore and what the Lord has for me in this little book of Esther I feel more and more as if the Lord is telling me to tell my story. It scares me. I don't know what it will look and feel like to tell my story. I don't know if it will be accepted by others or if I will be judged by others. It scares me to think that it may not be accepted. Much like, I'm sure, Esther was fearful of not being accepted by King Xerxes.


So now it's my turn to decide. Will I be the broken damaged Deborah that I once was or will I be the redeemed Deborah who now knows she is a child of the One, True King?
"As much as my flesh wanted relief, I knew that when all was said and done, I'd sit on that side of glory having much rather fulfilled my calling than served myself all the way to meaninglessness. I had to accept that I was not called to an easy life. I was called to a purposeful life." - Beth Moore

So here I am at this crossroads and I choose to let the Lord use me. Despite my fears. Despite the unknown. Despite the possible judgement. I am His and who knows? Maybe I was created for such a time as this? {paraphrased from Esther 4:14}