Sin of Dissatisfaction

Have you ever been guilty of the sin of dissatisfaction?

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Is your house not big enough or nice enough?
Is your car not the one you wish you were driving?
Do you wish your children behaved all of the time?
Do you wish your husband romanced you like the husbands of the Hallmark movies?
Do you wish your wife had it all together?
Do you wish your boss recognized your talent?
Do you wish friends recognized your work in the friendship?
Do you wish you were prettier, thinner, better, etc?
Do you wish someone would notice you for who you are and everything you do?

I am guilty! G-U-I-L-T-Y!! Not that I admit that with excitement. It's more like, I admit it shamefully.. with my head down, eyes averted, and sheepishly raising my hand explaining that yes... sometimes, I do indeed wish for more than I actually have.

How satan just loves to turn our satisfaction into dissatisfaction!! Stop looking at what seems to be  lacking and let's look at what has been given...

My house is warm on this day that feels like it's below 0 outside.

My vehicles gets us from point A to point B safely.

My children are children... and although they don't always behave how I wish they would, then I can praise God they are all healthy and strong! Those strong minds will mean they have strength to stand up for what's right!

My husband may not woo me in the ways I may selfishly desire, but he works hard to provide for us. He helps me with our children. He doesn't complain that the house is a mess and dinner isn't ready on time. He is gracious to me.

I'm the wife who doesn't have it all together and the house is rarely clean, but our kids are healthy, doing homeschool, & well-fed. Hey! That must count for something!!



The Lord has given me many blessings! It is downright sinful to be so ungrateful as to complain that what I've been given is not enough. It is only pride and idolatry that breeds that sin. Adam and Eve had everything in the Garden of Eden. They lacked nothing. Everything wrong in this world: in our marriages, in our families, in our churches, etc. was lacking. So it's safe to say... sin isn't because of what we have. Sin isn't because of what we don't have. Sin is simply an issue of our heart. Oh how desperately deceitful our hearts are!! (Jeremiah 17:9) Do not buy satan's lies that we need more stuff, bigger salaries, & better things. Less of our man, less of our children, less of our church, etc.


Sweet Friend, let's take our thoughts captive to the Lord. Remembering that above all, He is the King, and we are only on this earth to worship & honor him. We are only on this earth to tell others about Him! Who am I to say that what I don't have is good enough? Truly, how good the Lord is to me. 2 Chronicles 16:9 says, "The eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him." Praise Him!

When I wrestle with such sinfulness in my heart, then it's my prayer that as sisters in the Lord we can lift each other up in prayer and ask the Lord to make our hearts grateful and our minds satisfied. He alone... Jesus alone... is enough!

I Need Jesus

Do you have days where all seems to go awry? My day was a little bit like that. I woke up early to have my bible study time. Waking up early has never been natural for me. Lately, however, I have been waking up at 5:30 am to begin my day. When all of my children wake up, then the organized chaos begins! I'm learning I like my early mornings by myself. However, this morning two of my kiddos woke up at 6:30. Just as my breakfast had finished cooking and I was about to sit down with my cup of coffee and my bible. (Those are 2 things that get me out of bed in the morning... coffee & my bible. Anybody else feel that way?) I informed them that I would get their breakfast, but they had to sit quietly at the table to eat and then they could go play in another room, because this morning... I need Jesus!

Boy did I ever need Jesus this morning! After I finished my bible time, then I got a text from a sweet friend & church member. Please pray. Along with a picture...  this sweet little girl (a family member to this friend) is having open heart surgery today. A sweet little baby that was possibly all of 1 month old... if my guess is a correct estimation from her picture.

So, I prayed for that sweet girl. Her doctors. Her parents.

I went to our homeschool co-op classes this morning. A lady shares, please pray. A family friend was 21 weeks pregnant and they had to take her baby yesterday. The baby has a 20% chance of life.

My heart broke. I prayed for that sweet little girl. Her doctors. Her parents. That no matter what... God would get the glory.

Later this evening, one of my best friends texted me. Please pray. I am 22 weeks pregnant and got bad news today about my baby girl. My heart is aching and I feel like my life has been changed forever as I know it. 

So, amidst tears I prayed for that baby girl. Her momma, my best friend & her husband. For the doctors. For the new life they will forever face.

Three baby girls who are so loved and cherished by our Heavenly Father. By our Maker, the Strong Creator, Elohim. Who created these beautiful girls with His tear filled, loving, & holy hands... knew this very day they would need lots of prayers.

First baby girl ended up not having surgery today. I'm sure there's a blessing & a hardship received with that very news. I'm sure her day of surgery will come soon and while she waits... I will continue to lift her up to our mighty God, our El Shaddai.

Second baby girl went home to be with Jesus. We don't know if her parents know Jesus, but I pray they do... or will come to. I have never experienced the loss of a child to the extent this mother is experiencing today. I know One who has though and it's my prayer that He will send the Holy Spirit to comfort this family and give them peace as they've never experienced before. For He is Jehovah Shammah. 

Third baby girl will continue to be bathed in my prayers (and that of others) until her birth day when the extent of her medical issues will be seen in their full fruition. Until then, she is held at the bosom of Adonai and her parents, my friends, put their full faith & trust in Him. Knowing that God can heal her at any time, if He so chooses! He is Jehovah Rapha.

So today, yes, I needed Jesus!! I needed Jesus, El Olam, to fill me up so that He could overflow me and I could have enough of Him to spill out and love on these people who came to me seeking prayer.  That's what my time with Jesus does for me. Fills me up. Spills over into every aspect of my life. I want to be so full of Jesus that He just oozes from me!! I am so thankful for my time with Him this morning. So tomorrow I shall do the same. Wake up at 5:30. Grab my bible & a cup of coffee... and I will be on my way to another day to serve those around me however I can. Whether it's through prayer or encouragement... God will guide me. But whatever lays in wait for me... one thing is for sure. I won't be able to do any of it without Jesus.

Beauty in the Trinity

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Have you ever looked at verses like these and been confused by the copious use of the word "he"? Who is "he" and who is "me" and who is "mine"? It can be a little confusing and honestly a verse that's easily looked over. But I ask that you stop and really explore it!

When the Spirit of Truth ~ this is the Holy Spirit ~ comes, he will guide you into all the truth.  For he (the Holy Spirit) will not speak on his own authority. Because all authority comes from God! but whatever He (Holy Spirit) hears he will speak and He, (the Holy Spirit) will declare to you the things that are to come. The Holy Spirit speaks truth over us!

He (the Holy Spirit) will glorify me. Me is Jesus! for He (Holy Spirit) will take what belongs to Jesus and declare it to you and me. Not ask. Not pretend. Not offered. DECLARED!

All that the Father has is mine (Jesus); therefore I said that He (God) will take what is mine (Jesus) and declare it to you! Declared means to proclaim something with solidarity and to announce with great emotion. It is to acknowledge possession of something.

Jesus is announcing with great proclamation that we have possession of all that's His!

I often feel like I'm lacking in discernment, confidence, and assurance of who I am. I pray often for God to give me discernment, confidence, and assurance. 2 Corinthians 2:16 says, "But we have the mind of Christ" so this means that I have the same knowledge in my mind that Christ has in His! I pray for discernment, confidence, and assurance, but because I have the same mind that Christ has, then I have discernment, confidence, and assurance through Him!

 Since I pray for these things and I have received the Holy Spirit who comes from God, then I have understanding of what's been given to me by God (1 Cor. 2:12) The Holy Spirit speaks truth over me. He declares to me what He has in mind for me. He tells me who I am because of Jesus! He sets me on the path (Psalm 16:11) that God has planned for me! Because I have Jesus, then I have the Holy Spirit within me, and because I have the Holy Spirit, then all discernment, confidence, and assurance is mine. It is given by the Father, administered by the Holy Spirit, and made whole within me through Jesus!

              Psalm 119:32-35

32I pursue the way of Your commands,

for You broaden my understanding.

33Teach me, LORD, the meaning of Your statutes,

and I will always keep them.

34Help me understand Your instruction,

and I will obey it

and follow it with all my heart.

35Help me stay on the path of Your commands,

for I take pleasure in it.

Praise our Holy Father who has all wisdom, power, and glory forevermore! So please know that because of God's love for us, then we are given the Holy Spirit. He pours blessings on us and goes before us to prepare the way (Mark 1:2). We are forgiven and made whole by the fullness of Jesus who died for our sins! 

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As I learn more about the beauty in the trinity, then I must declare there isn't anything more beautiful!

Do You Trust Him?

Have you ever thought of this verse before? Have you ever studied it? It is an amazing verse!

Here Paul is so excited to share just how willing God is to do things for us, that he cannot even add enough words to tell us. So, he just starts piling words on top of words to help us get the point. He isn't just exceeding our expectations. He isn't just pouring out abundance on us. He isn't just wanting to go above & beyond for us. He's wanting to do all of that.... on steroids! 

Think of the word hyper. Hyper|active means to be hyper to the highest degree. Hyper|extend is to flex something past the point of normal flexion. Hyper|thermia is the body reaching temperatures much higher than just normal thermia levels. So... it means above & beyond.

These words used by Paul are attached with hyper in the original text. So it's "God is able to do way more exceedingly, way more abundantly, way past above all that you can ask or think!" Do you believe it? Do you believe that God can do this for you? We only need to trust in His provisions, His will, and His desire for our lives. Sometimes, we must go through hardships and cannot be rescued because He longs to refine us. We still choose to trust Him and that He knows best for us. We either trust Him or we don't.

I have to share a testimony of this verse with you!

I had a yard sale this weekend. I worked SO hard on this yard sale. I priced every item (close to 200 items of clothing alone!) Every spare moment I had last week was spent on this sale. I had high hopes for my sale. I didn't want to make less than $100. My husband thought I was quite hilarious expecting to make no less than that. However, I was determined... because it's fall/winter clothing time and our kids all need new shoes & new-to-them clothes for the new season! I held the sale from 8-2. By 12, I had only made $25. TWENTY-FIVE!!! I wasn't happy, at all.

I went inside for a few minutes to take care of some things. So I began talking to the Lord. "Lord, you know how much money we need. You know how hard I worked. You know my expectations for what I hoped to get. Please send people our way." The Lord reminded me of this verse, Ephesians 3:20, that I've been studying for the last few weeks with my bible study. So I prayed, "Okay Lord. You can do exceedingly, abundantly, and above all that I ask or think. I know you can send people. So I trust in You." Clear as as if the Lord was standing right beside me, He spoke to my soul and said, "If you trust me then why are you so worried?" Ouch! Okay, okay Lord. Point taken. I thought to myself, even if I don't get $100, then maybe the Lord will stretch the money that I do make to be able to get new shoes for all our kiddos. (Winter shoes are much more expensive than summer shoes!)

By the end of the day (I still ended at 2.) I went to my kitchen table and began counting out my money. Guess how much I made? $130!! How good the Lord is. God is able!! He exceeded what I hoped to make, abundantly more than I asked for, and above what I even thought I'd make. Praise the Lord! He is SO faithful to us!

He can do exceedingly, abundantly, and above all that you ask or think too!! Do you trust Him? And if you trust Him, then why are you so worried? God is able!

To My Challenging Child

I am so blessed to be a mother. It is something I wanted from the time I was a young child and my dream has come true several times over! God has been so good and so gracious to me in motherhood. It is my greatest blessing and my greatest accomplishment!

I don't know about your situation with your children, but one of my children is very challenging. To handle, to discipline, to teach, and admittedly.. sometimes even to like. Dare I say it? Sometimes this child is hard to love. To type those words seriously makes me cringe. To read them may make you cringe. Or maybe you can relate? Maybe you've been feeling exactly the same way, but haven't been able to openly say so?

I would like to share with you what I wish every mother knew about my life with my challenging child. I want to tell you what I *wish* I could say to this child of mine. This child will never truly know how it feels to be the mom... unless this child is blessed with a like-minded child of their own!!

To my challenging child,
There are days. Hard, difficult days. Days that I go to my bathroom, close the door, and cry out to the Lord with tears streaming down my face. Begging for Jehovah Jireh to help me, because I feel like a failure.

There are days. Days that I give myself a pep talk. God gave me you, because He picked me out to be *your* mom! He knew that you would challenge me as a mother and yet He knew that I needed you! He knew that my relationship with you would draw me closer to Him.

There are days. Days that I petition God for buckets full of wisdom. Wisdom to parent you in a way that will be beneficial and helpful for you. While also helping you to understand discipline, sinfulness, and repentance.

There are days. Days that I question God. I question how can I keep going? I question if I can do this for the rest of the day, week, month, year(s)? I question if I handled that situation in a way that was honoring to the Father and to you? I question why God would give me a child that is such a challenge to parent.

There are days. Days that I am embarrassed of your behavior as you have a troublesome moment with another child. When you throw a fit, roll your eyes, stomp your foot, and pull away from me while I attempt to talk you through an arduous occasion. Days that I want to throw my hands in the air and give up. Days that I question over and over again how I could have handled "that" differently.

I have many days that I spend on my knees prayerfully asking the Lord to help me be the mother you need. I do not believe in letting you get away with sinfulness in your heart or mind. I long for you to be the best adult created by God that He has planned for you! So yes, I have days... lots of days... that are oh so hard!

However, I also want you to know this...

I love you fiercely. When you are hard to love, then I pray for God to make me love you even more! Despite the calamity of tough days... I am proud of you! I am proud to call you mine! I am proud that you are such a wonderful sibling and always willing to drop whatever you're doing to be a servant of the Lord and help me, your dad, or someone else who may need you!

Those prayers I pray? Are to help you use your strong-will and strength for the glory of God!

Those tears that fall? Are caught by the hands of our Almighty Father as He wipes away my tears so that I am better equipped to wipe away yours.

That pep talk I give myself? Is because I know that God has amazing plans for you! You, who love to stand strong upon your truth, will stand upon the truth of God as a mighty warrior for God's kingdom one day! Especially as our world continues to destruct.. I know you won't!

The wisdom I beg God for? Is so that I can be knowledgeable in God's word. So that as your parent and as your teacher, then I can help you be intelligent too. So that you will be clothed in the armor of God in your every day walk with Jehovah.

The days that I question God? Are because He longs to grow me closer to Him. Bringing me into a better relationship with Him. So I will draw nearer Him and allow Him to be my peace. Isaiah 30:15 says that when I rest in Him then I will find my salvation and when I am quiet and trust in Him, then He is my confidence. He speaks rest and wisdom over me, so that I can be the mother I need to be for you!

When I am embarrassed, then I know the Lord is further breaking my need to be a people-pleaser. The Holy Spirit continues to humble me when I am fearing man's thoughts of me more than His thoughts of me. He brings me to tears of repentance for my selfishness. The truth is... what is most crucial is shaping your heart to be more like Jesus. God continues to stifle any prideful moments in me that like to rear their ugly head!

So yes, child of mine, as challenging as life can be.. I am glad that I get to be your mom! I am glad to call you my child. I am grateful that when I am difficult to love, then God doesn't give up on me. Rest assured, sweet child of mine, that I will never give up on you either! You are a child of the King and I know the Holy Spirit will mold you, because God has shown me over and over again that He has big plans for you! Your strong-will, your tenaciousness, your driven nature, and your outspoken opinions are sure to be used to the glory of God! It is my hope that as I continue to cultivate my relationship with the Lord that I will grow to be a little more like you!

Growth in Marriage

I was 17 when I met my husband, Andy. It was at a time in my life that I wrestled with who I was. I didn't feel beautiful. I didn't feel worthy of love. I didn't feel like anyone even liked me. Then, this man came into my life and treasured me.. truly treasured me. He showed me the absolute love of Jesus and there were many times I was very undeserving it too. As soon as we met, then we truly knew that the Lord had brought us together for marriage.

The Lord spoke to me as a young girl and told me that I would be married young. He shared with me that my husband would have brown hair and blue eyes and that he would be in ministry. I knew early in my life that I would be a "Pastor's Wife" and I looked forward to those duties. So I never dated any boys who didn't have brown hair and blue eyes and they had to truly love Jesus. I only dated one boy who didn't have the call of ministry (in some capacity) on his heart. It's funny as I think about that now. I reflect on those things now and am glad I had those priorities in my life. I wasn't the type of girl who desired to date around anyways, but I think being picky in this way definitely kept me from straying to the wrong type of boy throughout my school years.

So I met Andy who had brown hair, blue eyes, and was finishing his degree in biblical studies in order to fulfill a call of ministry in his life. I knew the Lord brought us together to be eachother's help mates. So, we married 10 short months after we met.

I have told people often that Andy rescued me. No doubt it was God's way of lifting me up out of the miry clay I was drowning in. My family life felt devastating. Life with my mother felt unwelcome. We fought often when I was home from college. She told me how I should & should not feel about everything. If I disagreed with her then I was told how wrong, ridiculous, or silly I was being. Or the biggest crusher? How un-christian I was. I was told often how I should be on anti-depressants so I would be more pleasant to be around. The truth is, I was fighting for me. For who I was and wanted to be. My Father had disowned me at this time. Threatening to take me out of his will as one of his children. I felt very abandoned by him. However, the Lord had brought Andy to me during these tumultuous days.... It was obvious, in my mind, God sent Him to rescue me.

Our first months together (I must add we didn't really know eachother, ha!) were wonderful. Filled with figuring eachother out & learning who each of us was together. However, the next few months were harder. I wanted Andy to identify who I was and love me too. I wanted Andy to fulfill the brokenness I felt within my soul. I expected him to never make me angry or hurt me as I had felt so damaged by anger & hurtfulness in the years prior to meeting him. Andy was patient with me and full of grace for my shortcomings, but after a point he began to resent my difficult personality.

God was so gracious to orchestrate many things in my life that ultimately led to redemption for me and our marriage. He put a friend in my path who bravely and lovingly pointed out to me what a terrible wife I was being. Yes, that sounds harsh, and yes it wasn't easy to hear! Was it the truth? Sadly, it absolutely was! God began convicting me of my ungrateful & unthankful heart. I was a complainer. I had difficulty finding good in anything. I sought out the negative and never looked for blessings. So, I began practicing only thankfulness. If I felt negative towards something, then I began to hold it in and just tell God about it and never voiced it to Andy (or others).

Several years passed. Through many convictions & prayers our marriage was better. I was still having many dark days though and I sought out Christian counsel for myself. My counselor helped me to further investigate who I am in Christ! My husband couldn't identify me or fulfill me. Only the cross of Jesus Christ was equipped to handle those uncertainties in my life. So I began running to Jesus and asking Him to reveal to me who I was. So He did! As I ran to Jesus to discover who I was in Him, then Andy and I began growing closer. Our marriage began to strengthen and we began to do marriage, parenthood, and life together instead of Andy having to usher me & hold me up through our married life.

Our marriage of 12 years is truly one of redemption and I am so thankful that Andy didn't give up on me. I am grateful that I didn't give up on me. I am overwhelmed that God didn't give up on me. Ladies, let me encourage you that no man can heal your brokenness or repair the damage you have felt in your life. Only Christ can do this for you! I have been one blessed lady to have a man like Andy who didn't leave me destitute in my brokenness. He saw me through it all and waited on the Lord to work in my life. However, I am sure that he would tell you it wasn't easy and I have no doubt that he felt like giving up on me often. Praise God he didn't!! I can assure you the redemption of our marriage has been sweet. We are truly so blessed to have eachother. Although, we walked through many difficult years we still have some hard days every now & then. However, we stay committed & loyal to eachother. We love doing life together and are truly more in love today than we were in the beginning when we were so young & in love.

12 years of marriage together

Seek the Lord, sweet Sisters, to repair the heartaches in your life. He loves you and desires for you to have full & complete freedom! While I'm not opposed to medications when they are needed.. I also know the power of counseling and how working through the sins in your life (both sins you've committed and sins done to you) can redeem you from depression. Isaiah 49:16 "See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;    your walls are ever before me." The Lord holds you in His hands and He longs to redeem you, heal you... FREE you! 

Micah 7:18 "Who is a God like you,    who pardons sin and forgives the transgression    of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever  but delight to show mercy."

Run to the Father, sweet sister! Find your joy & completeness in Him and Him alone!! "He would have to be less God to love us less... It's impossible. He is the initiator of our love! The source is Him. If we love Him it's because He loved us first" (Beth Moore) 1 John 5:14-15 " This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him."

Redemptive Christmas

When I began my journey to wholeness many years ago I had no idea the path I would walk. I felt alone and unworthy as a person. Suicidal thoughts plagued my teenage years and often crossed my mind in my adult years. Even after I became a mother. I used to think how much easier it would be if I would just die and go to Heaven. I wondered often if anyone would even miss me. These thoughts became more prevalent in my life and it was after an ended friendship and those dark thoughts were engulfing me that I finally sought help.

It was through biblical counseling that I expected to work on my friendships & marriage, because I couldn't keep friends and my marriage felt lonely in those days. However, small truths of my childhood began creeping out. Truths like.. I didn't play much as a child. I had to be a confidant to my dad and I lived in fear of the money troubles we faced as a family. I worked diligently to keep my mother happy even though I failed often. I felt I had to take care of my sister even though she hated me and faulted me for it. It became very clear as these truths seeped out that I was in the role of parenting... and parents don't play. 

So for a couple of years I worked with my counselor diligently nurturing this little girl inside me who never got to play. So I played alot with my children. We did fun things and had fun outings. I allowed myself to cry when I needed to cry. I sought refuge from the Lord when I felt lonely or afraid. I took care of her... this little girl hiding inside me... this little girl who never got to be a little girl. I took care of me. Slowly, I began realizing I am no longer this little girl anymore. This "little girl" who felt so inadequate and incapable of doing anything began feeling empowered bit by bit. 

It was this Christmas that I realized just how much this little girl has grown. For the first time in my life I realized I have become a woman. I once had great expectations during the Christmas season. Expectations for grand presents in many numbers. Expectations that it should be about me. I have no idea why I had this expectation... other than it was that little girl who used to be within me longing for honor and love through the magic of Christmas. 

This year, however, my presents were few and my heart was full. The presents I received were wonderful and I am so very grateful for them! However, what brought me the most joy this Christmas? Not the presents. 

• It was doing Acts of Kindness with my children throughout the Christmas season.
• It was doing daily advents together as we counted down the days to celebrate Christmas.
• We made birthday cupcakes for Jesus
• We had an amazing Christmas Eve Service at our church. They hadn't had a CES in 8 years. We brought to them the idea of a candlelight service and expected only a handful of people. We were surprised and giddy with joy when we had 25 people come! That was a beautiful sight and music to our ears as we sang hymns of praise to the newborn King!
• We enjoyed a relaxing pajama day for Christmas day without any fear of retribution for doing what we wanted & needed for our family time. (We used to be chastised for asking for what we wanted within our extended family unit and made to feel bad for asking that Christmas Day be only our little family.)

When Christmas is over I have been known to cry in the past. Cry that the "magic" is over. I would lament over putting away the decorations so much so that my husband would always put away the beautiful lights and tree.  However, that wasn't the case this year! Everything was over and I was finished. We waited a few days and then put away all of our decorations & magical pieces together as a family. 

The list could go on for days... but I cherished each moment of my womanhood this Christmas season. I realized this year just how much the Lord has grown me, changed me, renewed me, & strengthened me. How grateful I am for this new redemption!! How great is our God!! 

I pray that you will let Jesus grow you into the woman He has for you to be! He is such a God of redemption and He longs to redeem you from the hardships you face and the insurmountable trials you may be facing.

Time of New Beginnings

We moved to Northwestern Kentucky at the beginning of January from East Tennessee. I had a thriving Pampered Chef business that I had built over the last 3 years. I loved my business, my customers, and the self-worth I felt in what the Lord had given me the wisdom to build.

Growing up in a home where I experienced gaslighting (click on gaslighting to get more information on what gaslighting is) on a consistent basis I felt like I was in a constant state of confusion. Anytime I questioned my mom (as a child or an adult), stood up for myself against accusations, shared my viewpoints, etc. then I was repeatedly told, "That's not what happened and you know it." or "It's because you're so sensitive." or "That's not true." So I was left trying to figure out if what I thought was true was really true. Could it be that I was wrong about what I thought was true? I felt a little crazy.. most of the time! I would spend *days* going over conversations in my mind and trying to sort out the details so I could understand what the "truth" was. It was mentally exhausting.

Due to my "constant state of confusion" I felt truly unintelligent. I didn't feel bright at all. So for me to have built a good business from the ground up made me feel clever! It made me feel like I was capable of great things! After my shows, customers would sit around a table, eat my delicious creations, and praise my accomplishments for a great, entertaining show. They relished the food I prepared for them. I was shocked! I didn't think I could be good at anything!!

So you see, when we moved away from my thriving business I mourned the loss of what I would no longer have. I had the possibility of re-starting my business, but every time I prayed about starting a Pampered Chef business here I just didn't have any sort of peace about it. I even had shows lined up and after much, much prayer I realized the Lord didn't want me to continue on with the business I loved. Despite the fact I didn't understand this call, I obeyed.


So now, fast forward from my resignation to now, exactly 4 months. The Lord has opened up so many doors for me to be in teaching positions here! Unfortunately, none of these are paid, but it's my prayer that I am helping women grow in their relationships with Jesus and that's worth so much more than a paycheck!  I am now teaching 11 Kindergarten & 1st grade students in our homeschool co-op! This is a brand new concept for me, but I'm having so much fun with these sweet kiddos! I have been teaching a bible study with Beth Moore for about 3 months now and the blessings of this bible study has nourished my dry & weary soul in a splendid way!! Lastly, the Lord just recently opened up the opportunity for me to start a women's Sunday School class on Sunday mornings at our church! Whew.. 3 classes! I would've laughed if you told me this a year ago! It takes much time and preparation, but I am reveling in it! I am passionate about supporting women in their journey of truth about Jesus! What a blessing and an honor as He has bestowed these classes upon me!

It's interesting that when we give up the things we love... when the Lord calls us to do so... then He brings us bigger blessings more than we could expect! I look back now and all I can think is, "Okay Lord! I get it now! There's no way I could run my business, homeschool 2 kids + a toddler, be a pastor's wife, and teach 3 classes!" The latter 3 keep me busy enough!! God is good and His faithfulness endures forever!!

Isaiah 52:1-3 

"Awake, awake, O Zion, 

clothe yourself with strength. 

Put on your garments of splendor...

Shake off your dust; 

rise up, sit enthroned, O Jerusalem, 

Free yourself from the chains on your 

neck, 

O Captive Daughter of Zion. 

For this is what the Lord says: 

'You were sold for you nothing, 

and without money you will be 

redeemed.'" 

Hallelujah and AMEN!

Celebrating Deliverance

I have been pretty candid on my blog so far about having to walk away from mentally & emotionally abusive relationships and the fear that is still a stronghold (although it's thankfully dwindling) in my life. However, as I am wrapping up my bible study on the book of Esther with Beth Moore the Lord continues to reveal to me that He holds me in His hands. I am excited to tell you, Friend... He holds you too!!

Please allow me to share a few things I've learned over the last few days that are cultivating my continued healing.

Esther 9:19 tells us of the new appointed holiday that the Jews will annually celebrate. This is because they are free from the decree that was put on them by Haman to annihilate and destroy all of them. They decided to celebrate... they chose joy!! Beth Moore states, "Because Christ has overcome sin and the grave, any day can be a day of joy, but can you imagine the impact of becoming deliberate about it?"

Feast of Purim

So on this special day they give presents and special food to each other along with throwing feasts & banquets. In the passage, you'll see the word gift or present.Those words can mean gift of food or even something more than food. Let me dig deeper and tie this together for you with more scripture! Psalm 16:5-6 says "you make my 'lot' secure" and in Esther 3:7 the word "lot" is also used when Haman threw lots to see what day the Jews' slaughter would be held.
The word "lot" here is the SAME Hebrew word as gift! The 3 words favor, portions (aka presents), and lots are interlaced. Beth declares, "No matter what life - or Satan himself - hands us, the favor God has on His children causes that "lot" to tumble out on the table in such a way that, instead of destruction the child will discover that her portion is turned into destiny one trusting step at a time. When all is said and done, she will see that the portion God assigned her was good. Right. Rich. Full of purpose."

Psalm 16:5 ESV "The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot." This verse really spoke to me!

I have seen the goodness of my God! He has rescued me from my enemies. The day we can realize this... that God has the best plans for us when we follow Him, then we will have "a day of joy and feasting, a day for giving presents to eachother" (Esther 9:19, NIV)

Beth Moore states, "We glorify God when we celebrate our deliverance."

So I continue to share with you reflections of my redemption. As raw as it is,as painful as it's been, and as victorious as I stand. This blog is not about me. It's about my deliverance.... and that's about Jesus! So when I celebrate my deliverance by sharing my story with you (God called me to do so), then I am glorifying God! "God gave His one and only Son as His portion and we who receive Him have the joy of giving to others out of that lavish portion." - Beth

So, let me leave you with one last set of verses. Here is the original verse: Psalm 30:1-3,11-12 and here for you is my version and the account of my deliverance.

I will exalt You, O Lord, for You are my Redeemer and did not let my enemies gloat over me. O Lord my God, I called to You for help and You rescued me.

O Lord, You brought me up from the grave; you spared me from mental abuse, the perfection I once sought, and the hopelessness I once felt.

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with righteousness, joy, kindness, gladness, hope, love, peace, and grace that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you praise forever!!

Better with Boundaries

For many years I have struggled with putting boundaries in place. Learning that it's okay to say no. Realizing that if I am unable to be apart of something or choose not to do it, then I am not in sin.

 I grew up in a home of high expectations. I was not allowed to have an opinion and I most certainly was not allowed to say no. However, my thoughts and attitudes were secretly expected to match those of my mother. This left me in a perpetual state of guessing her desires and trying to live up to them. That's a day in the life as a child of a narcissist. 

For many years I was in counseling. Learning who I was and who I'm not. Determining I'm not persistently in sin or bad for having my own thoughts & desires. Grasping this new idea of boundaries. Through counseling and reading books I realized that boundaries are a Christian thing to do. It's something God himself does. It is not sinful and it is not wrong and boundaries are actually a sign of being healthy!

I learned this concept about 5 years ago. Truly put it into practice 2 years ago. Fought for my life with it 1 year ago. Fought & won! It was a battle of boundaries to pull myself up from the mire I was sinking in and declare myself an adult Christian woman with a family who deserved to be treated respectfully & honorably. Psalm 69:14 "Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink; deliver me from those who hate me, from the deep waters." was my anthem... and God did that for me!

So yes, I was rescued! I fought the battle! I won the war! God and me!! Truthfully though, I still wrestle with my old demons of feeling "bad" and "unworthy" and "unrighteous" for setting boundaries. Even though over and over the Lord has revealed to me that I am not in sin. In fact, I am choosing to follow Him instead of the idols of pleasing people.

THEN!! This week in Esther the Lord revealed something big to me!! Esther set a HUGE boundary! Haman had set a date to kill her and all her people. She had gone before the King twice! The second time she revealed to him what Haman was planning... annihilation of her people. The King stormed out and Haman stayed behind with Esther to plead for his life. Harem protocol in those days was that no man should be alone with one of the King's women and even moreso, not within 7 feet! Haman, however, *fell on the couch* where Esther was laying. He really felt he had nothing more to lose! 

So let me pause for a moment. I've set boundaries and they weren't accepted well... at all. Later, after boundaries were kept in place, then I was given apologies. Half-hearted apologies. Not sincere ones. Just shame-inducing excuses to try and get me back into a place where I used to be.. under the influence of mental abuse. I didn't accept these apologies. Although, in my heart I had forgiven these boundary-less and merciless people who wreaked havoc in my life. I had taken them to the cross of Jesus and left them there for Him to heal and help. Because, honestly, I no longer could.

Now, returning to Esther. Beth Moore says, "I don't think she could take the chance that he or the situation would change. Furthermore, does begging for one's life equal repentance? Is anything more natural or instinctive than pleading for your own skin when it's in jeopardy?" I hear that! I recognize that sort of apology! It isn't for the sake of truly seeking repentance... it's purely for the advantage of someone else's reputation.

"So long as an enemy as powerful and shrewd as Haman lived he was a threat to Esther, Mordecai, and the Jewish community. To say here that Esther was merciless and unfeeling is to misinterpret the entire situation. Thus, while her heart might have prompted her to be merciful, logic and prudence restrained her." - Carey, Moore, The Anchor Bible Commentary.

So the truth is, Friends, boundaries are important. For all of us, even Queens of Persia! They aren't sinful or ungodly. They are necessary. Beth Moore states that if someone goes out of their way to harm someone else they're digging a pit. Psalm 7:15-16 "Whoever digs a hole and scoops it out falls into the pit they have made.The trouble they cause recoils on them;  their violence comes down on their own heads." Haman dug his pit. "Knowingly or not, Haman had placed himself in Satan's hands only to be betrayed by him. It happens every time." - Beth Moore. 

My family dug their pit by choosing to ignore me beseeching them for grace and extensions of mercy. For years, I asked them to listen to me instead of ignore me. To talk respectfully to my husband and me instead of calling me names or disparage my man. For years, I begged and cried. I demanded and hoped. I wrote letters and I waited. The pit was dug. As Beth says, "In effect Christ says, 'I'm already great enough for both of us,' relieving the willing of their woeful burden. 'Just follow Me.'" So I chose to lay down the life of mental abuse, and walk away.. as hard as that was.. to the life that Jesus had intended for me. I laid down my life and followed Jesus! 

So, I share this all with you to say that once again the Lord redeemed me this week from the shackles of fear. Fear that I am not a good person. Fear that I am sinful for setting boundaries. Fear that I am "bad". He continues to redeem me and set me free. He continues to rescue me and show me that I am His! 

I can identify with Paul in the Bible who says "But whatever I am now, it is all because God poured out his special favor on me--and not without results. For I have worked harder than any of the other apostles; yet it was not I but God who was working through me by his grace." 1 Corinthians 15:10

Preparation and Praise

I have to tell you.... within my heart... I can feel the Lord moving. I can feel Him calling my name. I can rest beside Him and He beside me and we can just be. I don't know how to put into words this feeling. I feel His presence so strongly right now and although we've been facing trials with my husband's secular job... I can feel His voice quietly within me speaking peace into the ears of my heart.

I feel He is calling me to something. I don't know what it is yet, but I cannot wait to find out either! I felt this way last Summer as the Lord was calling us into ministry and my husband had put resumes into the hands of many committees across the US. I could feel the magnitude of His glory surrounding us, preparing us, speaking mercy over us, and preparing our paths before us. It was a time of anxious anticipation. "Where will you take us, Lord?" "What will it be like, Father?" "Will we move far away?" "How do we tell our children?" For the record, He totally took care of everything... down to the last detail. Even our children were excited to move, which I know was nothing short of the grace of God! I had mentioned possibly moving to them months before (when we first felt the Holy Spirit whispering us in the direction of full-time ministry) and we were met with instant crying & fear from our two eldest children.

So tonight, my heart is just downright giddy. I know He is preparing me for something and I can't wait to find out what it is. He has shown us the way before and I know He will show me the way this time too! Last Summer, He prepared for us this place we are now. A place for full-time ministry that required a move 6 hours from home. It has had a few days of loneliness, but overall it's been an incredible source of blessing & joy to our family!



Everywhere I look I can see His hands at work! I want to share with you just how vast His love is! Our financial situation is t-i-g-h-t. So tight, if we tried to snap the "rubber band" of our budget elasticity it would pop! In the last month, Andy's hours were cut in his secular job. Cut in half! We have made it through, only by the grace of God, and we are praising Him that Andy's hours have gone back up to what we need!

In the meantime, our middle son's birthday is Saturday and he wants a basketball goal. A new goal is $100+ to get one for his age. We don't have $100 to spend on a birthday present. A friend of a friend happens to be selling a goal for $50. I wasn't sure how we were even going to afford $50, truthfully. God knew though! I still owe some money to a lady whose service I used for a homeschool need. I talked with her just last night and she offered to me that she wasn't in desperate need for the money and that if I need to pay part of it now and part of it later that she was willing to do that for us. (I had not mentioned our financial need. I did not ask her for this offering. It was simply emailed to me and an unexpected gift!) I was so thankful for that blessing, because now we could get the basketball goal! Only thing is we don't have a truck. So I spoke with the seller and her husband is willing to deliver it to us as we don't live too far from one another.

I know this seems trivial and minute. However, I beg you to reconsider. It proves to me that we serve an on-time God who cares about ALL of our needs.... and wants! He prepares the way for us... all the way down to a birthday present for our child. I am beyond thankful for this tapestry the Lord wove to work all of this out for us. God is so faithful, my Friends!



Do you have a moment in your life that may seem trivial from the outside, but YOU know that it's nothing short of God's glory being woven for you?

My Honor Depends on God

I am feeling the need to be transparent and share something quite personal about myself. I hate my birthday. I just celebrated it and it summons memories of my childhood that I don't like and it conjures a sense of entitlement within me. Which is purely self-serving and breeds an unsatisfying desire for worthiness.

As the child of a narcissist there weren't many days that I felt okay to be me. Most days I felt unheard, unloved, and unsure of my life. I wasn't allowed to have an opinion. I wasn't given the freedom to choose my likes or dislikes. I was hyper-vigilant to the needs & desires of everyone around me, except myself.

However, on my birthday, my mother would plan a huge party for my sister and me. She rented bowling alleys, movie theaters, and community pools for our parties. We invited lots of friends. We ordered lots of pizza. We had a great time. Birthdays and major holidays were the only days that I felt special and wanted. Even as an adult, my mother made a huge deal of my birthday and I relished every moment of it. However, please understand... the lures of honor that she dangled in front of me cost me my life.

Not my life in the physical sense. But my life in the spiritual & emotional sense. Who I was. What I was about. My premise as a girl, my premise as a woman. The lures of grandiosity, honor, favor, gifts, money, & lavish meals out cost me my person-hood. I bit the lures and held on with great fervor in hopes that she really did love me as a person. However, the truth has been revealed to me as I've escaped the clutches of fictional favor. It is not out of love that these things were given or lured. No, it was out of selfish grandiosity and ego-inflamation. She felt good about herself. I praised her and thanked her for her generosity. Which is everything a good narcissist lives for! However, the day after my birthday and holidays.. the same feelings of inadequacy returned. The yelling returned. The offensive comments returned. The dismissals of who I am & my concerns for these things all returned.

So as an adult, I often desire a huge birthday celebration, and when I don't get one I turn into a 5 year old at a circus being told they cannot ride the elephant. I demand honor and respect for *my* birthday. I want to be put on a pedestal and admired and loved. I expect to be wooed and coddled and celebrated because I am me and this was the day that *I* was born!  Seriously though, is that even reality? No, it's not.

I approached this last birthday with self-made promises that I would not go down that road again this year. It is unrealistic. It is selfish. I am an adult woman and do not need, nor deserve this sort of admiration. My day came and for the most part I did okay. However, evening approached, and my selfish, conceited ways reared their ugly head.... and I threw a huge fit!

The last few days as I've looked back on it. Talked with my husband & Godly mentor about the situation and prayed over my behavior. I must tell you... I don't know how much longer I'll hold onto my past of never feeling adequate. I desire to be free, completely free, from these shackles! I long to not walk memory lane contemplating my childhood. I don't want that to be the definition of me, because it's not. My childhood and my narcissistic mother do not define me. God does!! My mentor said to me, "Would it be better to be unloved 364 days of the year in order to be loved just 1 day? Or would you prefer to be loved 365 days of the year including your birthday too? Because your husband, your children, your friends... they love you 365 days of the year. However, you're holding onto that childhood moment of being loved just 1 day. So which would you prefer?" Friends, that statement jolted me like a lightning bolt!

I am going through Esther right now and thinking how much I was like Haman this week. Esther 6:6 "Now Haman thought to himself, 'Who is there that the king would rather honor than me?' " The truth is.. I was being presumptuous with a sense of entitlement just like Haman was in that moment.

Beth Moore says this, "One of the bad things about an insatiable desire for honor is that sooner or later it's going to make a fool of us, robbing us of the very thing we intended to receive."

How guilty I am of this! It is so humbling to admit to these things. Pride plays into the hands of the enemy. However, the Lord is calling me to tell my story and be transparent. Sisters, this is part of my story.. as much as I hate it. The Lord continues to redeem me and this week, He is freeing me of this.

"If we cannot wait upon the Lord, then we cannot fill our destiny." - Beth Moore

This is the truth: Psalm 62:7 "My salvation and my honor depend on God; 

He is my rock, my refuge."

I don't need 1 day of honor from my mother in order to receive 364 days of mental abuse. All I need is Jesus 365 days and to receive the fullness of love from my God-given family I am so blessed to have.

So I ask you, are you presumptuous of honor? Will you join me in taking it to the Cross? Our salvation and our honor depend on God and He alone is our rock & our refuge! Amen!

Attacks From The Enemy

Attacks from Satan can come in many packages. For the last 3 weeks I've been attacked in a major way. I'm a person who likes to be busy and I like structure. When that gets interrupted, then I start feeling unsure of myself. I waiver in my responses. I start down a spiral of self-condemnation and it's a battle that often leads me into sadness.

I have suffered 2 medical issues within the last 3 weeks. For me, who is never sick, then this was a major blow for me. One of them will require a minor, outpatient surgery in the coming weeks. Something I do not look forward to in the least.

Our youngest son had eye surgery in a location 3 hours from home which required multiple trips for pre-op, op, & post-op visits.

My husband's job felt uncertain, although it wasn't... it felt that way. Plus, it's easy to make things bigger in your mind then they really are.  That's exactly what satan wants, in fact.

I got some things in the mail from my family, whom I had to separate myself from due to extreme narcissism & abuse, and that mail wasn't welcome. It was shocking, in fact. It rocked me to my core. The mental & emotional abuse I've sustained throughout my life is a testimony to the redemption I now have in Jesus. I am grateful He rescued me from the abuse. When an "abuser" sends you things you aren't expecting, then it can easily strike fear within your heart.

Plus some other everyday issues that just added to the mix.

Then, a few days ago as I was trying to pull myself out of the sadness I was drowning in... I was *determined* to have a good day. I woke up and told our kids that we could go to the community pool. We got ready and headed there. It was 10 am and we realized once we got there that they don't open til 11. So we headed down the road to the park for an hour. Our middle son, 6 years old, was stung by a wasp while playing. We ended up still going to swim and thankfully they had a first aid kit and helped with the sting.

After we got home, then I realized I'd lost my driver's license along the way. I took it with me in our swimming bag so I wouldn't have to take my entire wallet. Alas, it was lost and nowhere to be found.

Next, before dinner while our daughter took a shower we realize there was a major leak from the bathtub and water was pouring into our 1/2 bath downstairs.

When it rains, it pours, doesn't it? Literally.... pours! Surprisingly, I was able to keep smiling and knowing that God is in control despite the irritations of the day!

When we feel uncertain and rocked to our core that's when we can trust in Jesus to be our certainty and be the rock that we need to hold us up!

Joshua 1:9

"This is my command- be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." 

I love that this isn't a suggestion. It's a command! When we feel the lowest and feel as if we are in the pits of despair, then we can trust in the Lord, our God! He is with us!! With us wherever we go! Whether it's to the pool, the park, or at home! At church, at workplaces, at family gatherings, etc. We can trust and we can know, without a shadow of a doubt, that He is with us and we do not have to be discouraged.

It's during these times that I can look back and see the heartache & hardship, but know that God hasn't left me. Truthfully, friends, it's during these times that God is about to do something great that satan wants to squelch, so he will do whatever he can to get my focus off of God. I look forward to what the Lord has in store for me and I trust that He alone is my salvation and because of Him I am not afraid and I am not discouraged.

"Sometimes providence can be defined as times when God trumps your perfectly good plan with one of His own... then seems to disappear from it. Take heart, Beloved! He's right there and He's there right." -Beth Moore: Esther

What about you? Have you ever been attacked by satan in such a way that rocked you to your core only to see the Hand of God prevail?