Redemptive Christmas

When I began my journey to wholeness many years ago I had no idea the path I would walk. I felt alone and unworthy as a person. Suicidal thoughts plagued my teenage years and often crossed my mind in my adult years. Even after I became a mother. I used to think how much easier it would be if I would just die and go to Heaven. I wondered often if anyone would even miss me. These thoughts became more prevalent in my life and it was after an ended friendship and those dark thoughts were engulfing me that I finally sought help.

It was through biblical counseling that I expected to work on my friendships & marriage, because I couldn't keep friends and my marriage felt lonely in those days. However, small truths of my childhood began creeping out. Truths like.. I didn't play much as a child. I had to be a confidant to my dad and I lived in fear of the money troubles we faced as a family. I worked diligently to keep my mother happy even though I failed often. I felt I had to take care of my sister even though she hated me and faulted me for it. It became very clear as these truths seeped out that I was in the role of parenting... and parents don't play. 

So for a couple of years I worked with my counselor diligently nurturing this little girl inside me who never got to play. So I played alot with my children. We did fun things and had fun outings. I allowed myself to cry when I needed to cry. I sought refuge from the Lord when I felt lonely or afraid. I took care of her... this little girl hiding inside me... this little girl who never got to be a little girl. I took care of me. Slowly, I began realizing I am no longer this little girl anymore. This "little girl" who felt so inadequate and incapable of doing anything began feeling empowered bit by bit. 

It was this Christmas that I realized just how much this little girl has grown. For the first time in my life I realized I have become a woman. I once had great expectations during the Christmas season. Expectations for grand presents in many numbers. Expectations that it should be about me. I have no idea why I had this expectation... other than it was that little girl who used to be within me longing for honor and love through the magic of Christmas. 

This year, however, my presents were few and my heart was full. The presents I received were wonderful and I am so very grateful for them! However, what brought me the most joy this Christmas? Not the presents. 

• It was doing Acts of Kindness with my children throughout the Christmas season.
• It was doing daily advents together as we counted down the days to celebrate Christmas.
• We made birthday cupcakes for Jesus
• We had an amazing Christmas Eve Service at our church. They hadn't had a CES in 8 years. We brought to them the idea of a candlelight service and expected only a handful of people. We were surprised and giddy with joy when we had 25 people come! That was a beautiful sight and music to our ears as we sang hymns of praise to the newborn King!
• We enjoyed a relaxing pajama day for Christmas day without any fear of retribution for doing what we wanted & needed for our family time. (We used to be chastised for asking for what we wanted within our extended family unit and made to feel bad for asking that Christmas Day be only our little family.)

When Christmas is over I have been known to cry in the past. Cry that the "magic" is over. I would lament over putting away the decorations so much so that my husband would always put away the beautiful lights and tree.  However, that wasn't the case this year! Everything was over and I was finished. We waited a few days and then put away all of our decorations & magical pieces together as a family. 

The list could go on for days... but I cherished each moment of my womanhood this Christmas season. I realized this year just how much the Lord has grown me, changed me, renewed me, & strengthened me. How grateful I am for this new redemption!! How great is our God!! 

I pray that you will let Jesus grow you into the woman He has for you to be! He is such a God of redemption and He longs to redeem you from the hardships you face and the insurmountable trials you may be facing.