Submission

Submission...  just the thought of this word can create an emotion that wells up in women. Causing them to cringe as a wave of nausea washes over them like the waves of an ocean. It doesn't do that to me. I don't mind the word "submit". In fact, in my wedding vows, I vowed to submit to my husband on our wedding day. I was proud to offer that up in my vows and I honestly meant it.

Have I always submitted to my husband? Absolutely not. I wish I could say I kept my vows like a dutiful, Christian wife. Alas, I have failed miserably at that on many of our married days (14 years worth of days.) Although, if I had, then I know my married life would have been easier along the way. He has a great knack for discernment. He does well at distancing himself from situations that are toxic and he does not people please. People pleasing.... ahhh... my nemesis.

In the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve were given their "punishments" by God for trusting Satan (aka the serpent) more than trusting Him... Eve was cursed with the pain of childbirth and the pain of wanting to be in control over her man.  Adam was cursed with working for his family to provide for them (the Bible specifically says working the ground) and also he was cursed with death, because they would no longer have access to the Tree of Life in the Garden. Since they were getting kicked out and all. (It's all right here in the Bible)

Today has been a tough day though. There is things in my life that the Lord wants me to rid myself of. Responsibilities I have taken on (in the name of people pleasing) that I no longer need to be carrying. This year He keeps telling me to simplify. Every time I have the desire to take on more responsibility, then I hear the ever present whisper of the Father in my ear saying, "Simplify".  Let's face it... when you know the Lord is speaking to you then we should listen, right? And I hear Him! I do!! But then I feel like Zechariah when the angel appears to him in the tabernacle and tells him his wife (very old wife) will bear him a son he will name John and Zechariah is like, "What are you talking about? How can this happen! I don't understand the details of this at all." (The actual words are here) And that's me. Just like that. "Okay, God. I know you're on to something and I believe you and all, but I'm not sure how this is going to work. I'm just not sure."  And then, doesn't that make me a whole lot like Eve? Trusting myself. Trusting the lies of satan. Trusting everyone... everything... except God?

Oh how people pleasing will get me every time!! Because the truth is... I don't really want to hurt anyone's feelings. However, no boundaries and pleasing others always comes with a big fat price tag. Who suffers the most? My family. The ones I love most. Just like Adam and Eve. Adam wasn't being head over his wife. Eve wasn't submitting to Adam. The price was being kicked out of the Garden and who suffered? Their children for all generations (and themselves too.) The sin of people pleasing? Always has a price.

I've talked to the Hubs about releasing these responsibilities I have taken on that don't "belong" to me. He keeps saying, "Deborah. I'm going to take care of this. You don't have to worry about it. Your focus should not be on these things. Please just focus on our family. Focus on our children. Homeschooling. Your Bible Study. Focus on these things you've been called to. Stop focusing on everything that isn't yours." And I know he is right. I believe him. God put him head over me for a reason. For me to submit to his authority. For me not to be in control or to manage how he handles situations. For me to trust that what he says is true. And I know it is, because what he says is in keeping with God's Word.

God has placed him over me to guide me, help me, and protect me. Even though Adam failed to protect Eve from the serpent in the Garden. He left her to deal with a big issue that she shouldn't have had to face alone. God had put Adam over her to protect her. Even though he failed that one time... as we all do from time to time.. he would now spend a lifetime working to protect her. And she would spend a lifetime learning how to let him.

So my prayer tonight is that I will not have to learn this the hard way. May the Lord help me learn to  humbly submit to my husband, which also is submission to the Father. May the Lord grant my husband wisdom to deal with some big situations (that don't involve me), and may I realize that I don't have to be involved. May God be glorified and Heaven help me not take a lifetime to learn how to submit to my man and the Lord.



**Let me add that submission is not an excuse for abuse. Submission is not to take away my opinions or rights as a woman or in our marriage. Submission is for my husband to lead our family in the direction the Lord leads us and for me to follow. Submission is for me to have opinions, but him having the final say. No I don't always like it. That's the curse, remember?! God knows we don't always want to follow... and no we don't always like it. However, it's trusting that he is in tune with what God has willed for our family. Trusting that the Hubs is submitting to God and all I need to do is step back so he and God can work it out.**

Redemptive Christmas

When I began my journey to wholeness many years ago I had no idea the path I would walk. I felt alone and unworthy as a person. Suicidal thoughts plagued my teenage years and often crossed my mind in my adult years. Even after I became a mother. I used to think how much easier it would be if I would just die and go to Heaven. I wondered often if anyone would even miss me. These thoughts became more prevalent in my life and it was after an ended friendship and those dark thoughts were engulfing me that I finally sought help.

It was through biblical counseling that I expected to work on my friendships & marriage, because I couldn't keep friends and my marriage felt lonely in those days. However, small truths of my childhood began creeping out. Truths like.. I didn't play much as a child. I had to be a confidant to my dad and I lived in fear of the money troubles we faced as a family. I worked diligently to keep my mother happy even though I failed often. I felt I had to take care of my sister even though she hated me and faulted me for it. It became very clear as these truths seeped out that I was in the role of parenting... and parents don't play. 

So for a couple of years I worked with my counselor diligently nurturing this little girl inside me who never got to play. So I played alot with my children. We did fun things and had fun outings. I allowed myself to cry when I needed to cry. I sought refuge from the Lord when I felt lonely or afraid. I took care of her... this little girl hiding inside me... this little girl who never got to be a little girl. I took care of me. Slowly, I began realizing I am no longer this little girl anymore. This "little girl" who felt so inadequate and incapable of doing anything began feeling empowered bit by bit. 

It was this Christmas that I realized just how much this little girl has grown. For the first time in my life I realized I have become a woman. I once had great expectations during the Christmas season. Expectations for grand presents in many numbers. Expectations that it should be about me. I have no idea why I had this expectation... other than it was that little girl who used to be within me longing for honor and love through the magic of Christmas. 

This year, however, my presents were few and my heart was full. The presents I received were wonderful and I am so very grateful for them! However, what brought me the most joy this Christmas? Not the presents. 

• It was doing Acts of Kindness with my children throughout the Christmas season.
• It was doing daily advents together as we counted down the days to celebrate Christmas.
• We made birthday cupcakes for Jesus
• We had an amazing Christmas Eve Service at our church. They hadn't had a CES in 8 years. We brought to them the idea of a candlelight service and expected only a handful of people. We were surprised and giddy with joy when we had 25 people come! That was a beautiful sight and music to our ears as we sang hymns of praise to the newborn King!
• We enjoyed a relaxing pajama day for Christmas day without any fear of retribution for doing what we wanted & needed for our family time. (We used to be chastised for asking for what we wanted within our extended family unit and made to feel bad for asking that Christmas Day be only our little family.)

When Christmas is over I have been known to cry in the past. Cry that the "magic" is over. I would lament over putting away the decorations so much so that my husband would always put away the beautiful lights and tree.  However, that wasn't the case this year! Everything was over and I was finished. We waited a few days and then put away all of our decorations & magical pieces together as a family. 

The list could go on for days... but I cherished each moment of my womanhood this Christmas season. I realized this year just how much the Lord has grown me, changed me, renewed me, & strengthened me. How grateful I am for this new redemption!! How great is our God!! 

I pray that you will let Jesus grow you into the woman He has for you to be! He is such a God of redemption and He longs to redeem you from the hardships you face and the insurmountable trials you may be facing.

Better with Boundaries

For many years I have struggled with putting boundaries in place. Learning that it's okay to say no. Realizing that if I am unable to be apart of something or choose not to do it, then I am not in sin.

 I grew up in a home of high expectations. I was not allowed to have an opinion and I most certainly was not allowed to say no. However, my thoughts and attitudes were secretly expected to match those of my mother. This left me in a perpetual state of guessing her desires and trying to live up to them. That's a day in the life as a child of a narcissist. 

For many years I was in counseling. Learning who I was and who I'm not. Determining I'm not persistently in sin or bad for having my own thoughts & desires. Grasping this new idea of boundaries. Through counseling and reading books I realized that boundaries are a Christian thing to do. It's something God himself does. It is not sinful and it is not wrong and boundaries are actually a sign of being healthy!

I learned this concept about 5 years ago. Truly put it into practice 2 years ago. Fought for my life with it 1 year ago. Fought & won! It was a battle of boundaries to pull myself up from the mire I was sinking in and declare myself an adult Christian woman with a family who deserved to be treated respectfully & honorably. Psalm 69:14 "Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink; deliver me from those who hate me, from the deep waters." was my anthem... and God did that for me!

So yes, I was rescued! I fought the battle! I won the war! God and me!! Truthfully though, I still wrestle with my old demons of feeling "bad" and "unworthy" and "unrighteous" for setting boundaries. Even though over and over the Lord has revealed to me that I am not in sin. In fact, I am choosing to follow Him instead of the idols of pleasing people.

THEN!! This week in Esther the Lord revealed something big to me!! Esther set a HUGE boundary! Haman had set a date to kill her and all her people. She had gone before the King twice! The second time she revealed to him what Haman was planning... annihilation of her people. The King stormed out and Haman stayed behind with Esther to plead for his life. Harem protocol in those days was that no man should be alone with one of the King's women and even moreso, not within 7 feet! Haman, however, *fell on the couch* where Esther was laying. He really felt he had nothing more to lose! 

So let me pause for a moment. I've set boundaries and they weren't accepted well... at all. Later, after boundaries were kept in place, then I was given apologies. Half-hearted apologies. Not sincere ones. Just shame-inducing excuses to try and get me back into a place where I used to be.. under the influence of mental abuse. I didn't accept these apologies. Although, in my heart I had forgiven these boundary-less and merciless people who wreaked havoc in my life. I had taken them to the cross of Jesus and left them there for Him to heal and help. Because, honestly, I no longer could.

Now, returning to Esther. Beth Moore says, "I don't think she could take the chance that he or the situation would change. Furthermore, does begging for one's life equal repentance? Is anything more natural or instinctive than pleading for your own skin when it's in jeopardy?" I hear that! I recognize that sort of apology! It isn't for the sake of truly seeking repentance... it's purely for the advantage of someone else's reputation.

"So long as an enemy as powerful and shrewd as Haman lived he was a threat to Esther, Mordecai, and the Jewish community. To say here that Esther was merciless and unfeeling is to misinterpret the entire situation. Thus, while her heart might have prompted her to be merciful, logic and prudence restrained her." - Carey, Moore, The Anchor Bible Commentary.

So the truth is, Friends, boundaries are important. For all of us, even Queens of Persia! They aren't sinful or ungodly. They are necessary. Beth Moore states that if someone goes out of their way to harm someone else they're digging a pit. Psalm 7:15-16 "Whoever digs a hole and scoops it out falls into the pit they have made.The trouble they cause recoils on them;  their violence comes down on their own heads." Haman dug his pit. "Knowingly or not, Haman had placed himself in Satan's hands only to be betrayed by him. It happens every time." - Beth Moore. 

My family dug their pit by choosing to ignore me beseeching them for grace and extensions of mercy. For years, I asked them to listen to me instead of ignore me. To talk respectfully to my husband and me instead of calling me names or disparage my man. For years, I begged and cried. I demanded and hoped. I wrote letters and I waited. The pit was dug. As Beth says, "In effect Christ says, 'I'm already great enough for both of us,' relieving the willing of their woeful burden. 'Just follow Me.'" So I chose to lay down the life of mental abuse, and walk away.. as hard as that was.. to the life that Jesus had intended for me. I laid down my life and followed Jesus! 

So, I share this all with you to say that once again the Lord redeemed me this week from the shackles of fear. Fear that I am not a good person. Fear that I am sinful for setting boundaries. Fear that I am "bad". He continues to redeem me and set me free. He continues to rescue me and show me that I am His! 

I can identify with Paul in the Bible who says "But whatever I am now, it is all because God poured out his special favor on me--and not without results. For I have worked harder than any of the other apostles; yet it was not I but God who was working through me by his grace." 1 Corinthians 15:10

Idols