Idols

I shared in my testimony how I am a recovering perfectionist. I want to also share that I am a recovering people-pleaser. This comes from being the child of a narcissist. Growing up in such a home you do one of two things. You either lose yourself in the act of trying to please someone else. Secondly, you can choose to rebel. You do anything possible to find your separate self and the desire is so deep that you will do whatever it takes to find your identity. The sad part is... both choices lead to a pit of desperation, frustration, and utter loneliness.

Interestingly enough, I chose to be a pleaser and my sister chose rebellion. We are starkly different in the paths we chose for our lives.. even from a young age. In the high pursuit of pleasing our parents (narcissistic mother & child-like father) I also tried to please friends. As a young girl it came to fruition in the form of never sharing my likes/dislikes. If "Sally" wanted to play a game that I didn't, then no way would I tell Sally that I hated such a game. I loved the game for all she knew. If she found out that I didn't like the game, then she may not want to play with me anymore. That risk was far too great for a people pleaser who already felt desperate, frustrated, and alone.

In my teenage years I still didn't share my opinions or thoughts, but the Lord had His hand on me in a great way. I could've easily fallen into the peer pressure of "teen-life". Instead, I was largely involved in 2 youth groups and a bible study. I wanted to please the Lord as much as I wanted to please the people around me. Gratefully, He kept me in safety. Although the solitude from not following the crowd in normal teenage functions was often despairing, frustrating, and lonely... it also kept me from harm.

In my early twenties, I was married and had a chip on my shoulder. I hit the stage of rebellion. No way would anyone cross me. I felt entitled to exceptional service at restaurants and other places that I spent my money. If I didn't receive exceptional service then I demanded my money back, and often got it. I felt that something was owed to me. I assumed that my husband should be at my beckon call. He shouldn't challenge me or speak up to me. I was miserable and it was my duty in life to make you miserable too. Even though my people-pleasing attitude changed I still felt desperately frustrated & desperately lonely.

It wasn't until mid twenties that I began wanting something different for my life. I didn't like the way I felt and I had no friends. It honestly felt like nobody in any area of life liked me. My marriage wasn't crumbling, but it certainly wasn't thriving either. I sought help and counsel. I had repented of my rebellion, but had gone back to my submissive old ways and had lost myself in what others thought of me. Never once did I wonder what God thought of me. I was very entangled with my mother. Even as a married woman with two kids at this point I couldn't have an opinion. She often referred to me as "playing house". I desperately wanted her to accept me. I was frustrated by the fact that I cared more about what she wanted than my husband desired. I felt so lonely in the life I was leading.

After years of counseling, I was 29 when I prayed to the Lord to please set me free from the bondage I was in. I told him I wanted to be free from this enslavement by the time I turned 30. I asked him in January that year and my birthday is in August. Piece by piece... little by little... He began to show me who I was in His eyes.

Ephesians 2:10

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

John 15:15

I no longer call you slaves, because the slave does not understand what his master is doing. But I have called you friends, because I have revealed to you everything I heard from my Father

1 Corinthians 6:19

Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you

Galatians 4:7

So you are no longer a slave but a son, and if you are a son, then you are also an heir through God

Galatians 5:1

For freedom Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not be subject again to the yoke of slavery

I realized that all of my life I had been more concerned about what others thought of me than what God thought of me. I had never realized how much God loved me until this point in my life. I realized if I didn't stop serving others now, then I would be turning 40 and still serving them. Jesus Christ died for my sins, but I was more worried about hurting my mom's feelings than I was about serving Jesus. I would spend alot of my time with my mom in person and/or by phone. The truth is, her gaslighting and refusal of my opinions was so engulfing. I would spend hours, days, and sometimes a week or more going over conversations in my head. Picking everything apart and trying to remember if what I thought was true was really true or if I was just being "sensitive" as my mother so hauntingly coined me. So, during those hours, days, and sometimes weeks I was no longer serving God. I wasn't serving my family. I was serving her. I was living in fear and I felt desperate. I felt frustrated. I felt utterly alone.

However, the Lord enlightened me when He finally revealed to me the only way out of the narcissism and mental abuse was to walk away from the family relationships. This wasn't taken lightly. It was heart-wrenching for me and my days were filled with many tears. I sought counsel and the Lord at every twist & turn and He confirmed to me over and over again that I had to leave the relationships. I could no longer make idols of my family members.

It was 3 days before I turned 30 and the wheels had been set in motion. The ending of the relationships had taken place. I was no longer bound by the narcissistic control of my mom. The mental abuse of my father who treated me as if I was 7 years old despite being married 11 years and having 3 children, and I was free! Free to serve Jesus and free to be me.. the woman God created me to be! 

With the revelation of no longer serving idols and only serving Him I was no longer desperate to be loved, because I realized I was loved by the King. I was no longer frustrated in my attempt to find acceptance. I was accepted by the only One who mattered. I no longer felt alone. I was able to freely enjoy my God-given family that He had blessed me with. I was no longer a slave to the mental images and conversations that would take place within my birth family and consume me.

I'd like to tell you the rest of the story was fruitful and full of blessings. It wasn't. It was actually full of hardships for months. I'd like to say that living the Christian life is easy once you abandon the idols & things of this world and follow Jesus. That would be a lie. I'd like to say that I have lived this last year of redemption learning that no person should become an idol in my life. It has been much harder than I expected, because the old me... the people-pleasing me.. still creeps up on me. It will probably be a sin that I struggle to overcome for possibly a lifetime. 

However, I continue to claim the promises of God and who He says I am. I no longer make idols of people. Anytime we try to replace the joy in our lives with people/things instead of Jesus, then we've made an idol. When we have idols, then we feel desperate, frustrated, and alone because an idol can never fill the place of emptiness in our lives. Only Jesus can!! With Jesus, idols can be crushed, freedom can be sought, and redemption can be had!

Do you have idols in your life?