Unlikely Calling

Growing up in a narcissistic world my mom taught me that beauty was skin deep. It wasn't our hearts that the Lord looked at. I strived to attain the perfection she sought. She wanted my hair fixed and my best outfit on. If my skirt was knee-length (as a teenager) then I was told I should wear it shorter. "Men prefer short skirts." I was told. I had long hair and would often wear it in a pony tail. "Men prefer your hair down. You should fix it because it's so beautiful down." People in public were ridiculed behind the closed doors of our vehicle & home. "She should not be wearing that." "That outfit does nothing for her body." "Did you see her stomach showing?" "She looks really fat in that outfit." The comments were constantly spoken into my ears.

I now know that my mother's narcissistic attempts to find anything wrong with other women of this world really just was an attempt to make herself feel better. To make herself think she's worthy. The narcissistic world is truly an insecure place to live in and be apart of. I am ever so grateful that the Lord pulled me out of the toxicity of never-met-perfection. So, if I can be real with you: I struggle with beauty. I like getting dressed up and putting on big earrings and wearing makeup. I prefer the way it looks on me and in turn it makes me confident in myself. Sometimes, however, I struggle with wanting to dress down. Not do my hair or makeup and wear sweats out of the house. It's not something I can bring myself to do... yet. I worry about the "mother's" out there who will criticize me behind closed doors. I am LEARNING that beauty isn't just skin deep. It's my heart that reflects the glory of the Lord upon my face that truly matters. It truly matters to the King!! I am a work in progress. One day, with His help, I will break the shackles of distorted beauty in my mind. I will be free to dress down and wear the beauty of the Lord upon my face while doing it. The glory of the Lord upon my face... *that* is beauty, my Friends!

Isaiah 60:1

So as I am studying Esther through Beth Moore I am learning a great deal from this book that's so full of God's glory without His name ever being mentioned. Esther was lovely, unlikely, and an orphan. God used her and I feel certain the Lord can use me. I am still waiting on Him to reveal to me how or why. I am just thankful He is calling me to some form of ministry and allowing me to be His vessel.  Some key things Beth Moore said while in the 2nd week of this study that I truly love:

God chose Esther in spite of what happened to her, not because of it.

You cannot amputate your history from your destiny.

Your past and your future share the same root. That root is Jesus! (Amen!)

God is attracted to weakness. It's in our weakness that He can make us strong!

The things that "are not" is what God uses to nullify the "not" (Are not lovely enough. Are not a good speaker. Are not trained enough. I mean, the list could be endless...)

So in a time of my life that I'm wishing the past would vanish and disappear from me. A time in my life that I am only able to find thanksgiving (Eucharisteo as Ann Voskamp speaks of) only in the Lord, because I struggle to find thanksgiving in every day life right now. A time in my life that I'm wishing I could wipe away all things hurtful. I am realizing that it's only through Him that I am made strong. "I cannot amputate my history from my destiny." The Lord has used that history to shape me and change me and make me, ME! It's only in Jesus that I can find redemption. It's only in Jesus that I continue to receive healing!

So the Lord used an unlikely, orphaned girl who was lovely to look at and with a lovely heart to save her people. I open myself up to the gifts the Lord has to offer me. I lay down at His feet and ask Him what He will have for me and to prepare me for what lies ahead. Knowing that if I will only be weak enough to ask, then He will make me strong enough to go forward into the unknown gifts He has planned for me.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NLT)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

1 Corinthians 1:26-31 (NLT)
26 Remember, dear brothers and sisters, that few of you were wise in the world’s eyes or powerful or wealthy[a] when God called you. 27 Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. 28 God chose things despised by the world,[b] things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important. 29 As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God.

30 God has united you with Christ Jesus. For our benefit God made him to be wisdom itself. Christ made us right with God; he made us pure and holy, and he freed us from sin. 31 Therefore, as the Scriptures say, “If you want to boast, boast only about the Lord.”[c]

Is there anything in your life that you feel the Lord is calling you to?