My Honor Depends on God

I am feeling the need to be transparent and share something quite personal about myself. I hate my birthday. I just celebrated it and it summons memories of my childhood that I don't like and it conjures a sense of entitlement within me. Which is purely self-serving and breeds an unsatisfying desire for worthiness.

As the child of a narcissist there weren't many days that I felt okay to be me. Most days I felt unheard, unloved, and unsure of my life. I wasn't allowed to have an opinion. I wasn't given the freedom to choose my likes or dislikes. I was hyper-vigilant to the needs & desires of everyone around me, except myself.

However, on my birthday, my mother would plan a huge party for my sister and me. She rented bowling alleys, movie theaters, and community pools for our parties. We invited lots of friends. We ordered lots of pizza. We had a great time. Birthdays and major holidays were the only days that I felt special and wanted. Even as an adult, my mother made a huge deal of my birthday and I relished every moment of it. However, please understand... the lures of honor that she dangled in front of me cost me my life.

Not my life in the physical sense. But my life in the spiritual & emotional sense. Who I was. What I was about. My premise as a girl, my premise as a woman. The lures of grandiosity, honor, favor, gifts, money, & lavish meals out cost me my person-hood. I bit the lures and held on with great fervor in hopes that she really did love me as a person. However, the truth has been revealed to me as I've escaped the clutches of fictional favor. It is not out of love that these things were given or lured. No, it was out of selfish grandiosity and ego-inflamation. She felt good about herself. I praised her and thanked her for her generosity. Which is everything a good narcissist lives for! However, the day after my birthday and holidays.. the same feelings of inadequacy returned. The yelling returned. The offensive comments returned. The dismissals of who I am & my concerns for these things all returned.

So as an adult, I often desire a huge birthday celebration, and when I don't get one I turn into a 5 year old at a circus being told they cannot ride the elephant. I demand honor and respect for *my* birthday. I want to be put on a pedestal and admired and loved. I expect to be wooed and coddled and celebrated because I am me and this was the day that *I* was born!  Seriously though, is that even reality? No, it's not.

I approached this last birthday with self-made promises that I would not go down that road again this year. It is unrealistic. It is selfish. I am an adult woman and do not need, nor deserve this sort of admiration. My day came and for the most part I did okay. However, evening approached, and my selfish, conceited ways reared their ugly head.... and I threw a huge fit!

The last few days as I've looked back on it. Talked with my husband & Godly mentor about the situation and prayed over my behavior. I must tell you... I don't know how much longer I'll hold onto my past of never feeling adequate. I desire to be free, completely free, from these shackles! I long to not walk memory lane contemplating my childhood. I don't want that to be the definition of me, because it's not. My childhood and my narcissistic mother do not define me. God does!! My mentor said to me, "Would it be better to be unloved 364 days of the year in order to be loved just 1 day? Or would you prefer to be loved 365 days of the year including your birthday too? Because your husband, your children, your friends... they love you 365 days of the year. However, you're holding onto that childhood moment of being loved just 1 day. So which would you prefer?" Friends, that statement jolted me like a lightning bolt!

I am going through Esther right now and thinking how much I was like Haman this week. Esther 6:6 "Now Haman thought to himself, 'Who is there that the king would rather honor than me?' " The truth is.. I was being presumptuous with a sense of entitlement just like Haman was in that moment.

Beth Moore says this, "One of the bad things about an insatiable desire for honor is that sooner or later it's going to make a fool of us, robbing us of the very thing we intended to receive."

How guilty I am of this! It is so humbling to admit to these things. Pride plays into the hands of the enemy. However, the Lord is calling me to tell my story and be transparent. Sisters, this is part of my story.. as much as I hate it. The Lord continues to redeem me and this week, He is freeing me of this.

"If we cannot wait upon the Lord, then we cannot fill our destiny." - Beth Moore

This is the truth: Psalm 62:7 "My salvation and my honor depend on God; 

He is my rock, my refuge."

I don't need 1 day of honor from my mother in order to receive 364 days of mental abuse. All I need is Jesus 365 days and to receive the fullness of love from my God-given family I am so blessed to have.

So I ask you, are you presumptuous of honor? Will you join me in taking it to the Cross? Our salvation and our honor depend on God and He alone is our rock & our refuge! Amen!

Unlikely Calling

Growing up in a narcissistic world my mom taught me that beauty was skin deep. It wasn't our hearts that the Lord looked at. I strived to attain the perfection she sought. She wanted my hair fixed and my best outfit on. If my skirt was knee-length (as a teenager) then I was told I should wear it shorter. "Men prefer short skirts." I was told. I had long hair and would often wear it in a pony tail. "Men prefer your hair down. You should fix it because it's so beautiful down." People in public were ridiculed behind the closed doors of our vehicle & home. "She should not be wearing that." "That outfit does nothing for her body." "Did you see her stomach showing?" "She looks really fat in that outfit." The comments were constantly spoken into my ears.

I now know that my mother's narcissistic attempts to find anything wrong with other women of this world really just was an attempt to make herself feel better. To make herself think she's worthy. The narcissistic world is truly an insecure place to live in and be apart of. I am ever so grateful that the Lord pulled me out of the toxicity of never-met-perfection. So, if I can be real with you: I struggle with beauty. I like getting dressed up and putting on big earrings and wearing makeup. I prefer the way it looks on me and in turn it makes me confident in myself. Sometimes, however, I struggle with wanting to dress down. Not do my hair or makeup and wear sweats out of the house. It's not something I can bring myself to do... yet. I worry about the "mother's" out there who will criticize me behind closed doors. I am LEARNING that beauty isn't just skin deep. It's my heart that reflects the glory of the Lord upon my face that truly matters. It truly matters to the King!! I am a work in progress. One day, with His help, I will break the shackles of distorted beauty in my mind. I will be free to dress down and wear the beauty of the Lord upon my face while doing it. The glory of the Lord upon my face... *that* is beauty, my Friends!

Isaiah 60:1

So as I am studying Esther through Beth Moore I am learning a great deal from this book that's so full of God's glory without His name ever being mentioned. Esther was lovely, unlikely, and an orphan. God used her and I feel certain the Lord can use me. I am still waiting on Him to reveal to me how or why. I am just thankful He is calling me to some form of ministry and allowing me to be His vessel.  Some key things Beth Moore said while in the 2nd week of this study that I truly love:

God chose Esther in spite of what happened to her, not because of it.

You cannot amputate your history from your destiny.

Your past and your future share the same root. That root is Jesus! (Amen!)

God is attracted to weakness. It's in our weakness that He can make us strong!

The things that "are not" is what God uses to nullify the "not" (Are not lovely enough. Are not a good speaker. Are not trained enough. I mean, the list could be endless...)

So in a time of my life that I'm wishing the past would vanish and disappear from me. A time in my life that I am only able to find thanksgiving (Eucharisteo as Ann Voskamp speaks of) only in the Lord, because I struggle to find thanksgiving in every day life right now. A time in my life that I'm wishing I could wipe away all things hurtful. I am realizing that it's only through Him that I am made strong. "I cannot amputate my history from my destiny." The Lord has used that history to shape me and change me and make me, ME! It's only in Jesus that I can find redemption. It's only in Jesus that I continue to receive healing!

So the Lord used an unlikely, orphaned girl who was lovely to look at and with a lovely heart to save her people. I open myself up to the gifts the Lord has to offer me. I lay down at His feet and ask Him what He will have for me and to prepare me for what lies ahead. Knowing that if I will only be weak enough to ask, then He will make me strong enough to go forward into the unknown gifts He has planned for me.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NLT)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

1 Corinthians 1:26-31 (NLT)
26 Remember, dear brothers and sisters, that few of you were wise in the world’s eyes or powerful or wealthy[a] when God called you. 27 Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. 28 God chose things despised by the world,[b] things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important. 29 As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God.

30 God has united you with Christ Jesus. For our benefit God made him to be wisdom itself. Christ made us right with God; he made us pure and holy, and he freed us from sin. 31 Therefore, as the Scriptures say, “If you want to boast, boast only about the Lord.”[c]

Is there anything in your life that you feel the Lord is calling you to?

My Testimony

I grew up in a church going home. Not a Christian home. My home wasn’t filled with prayer or God’s promises. It wasn’t filled with kindness or joy. It was filled with rules & regulations and no matter how much I tried to follow the rules… I could never measure up. I was reminded over and over again that I was bad. Not that I was bad and in need of a Savior. No, I was just bad for being me.

So I tried to be good. When good wasn’t good enough, then I tried harder to be good. Until I reached the point of trying to reach perfection. Once you strive for perfection, then there’s no where else to go except down. Perfection is impossible and it’s detrimental to the soul. It robs you of small joys. It removes pieces of you little by little until you feel that only threads are holding you together. No matter how perfect I tried to be… in my home, it still wasn’t perfect enough.

I grew up with a narcissistic mother and a father who only enjoyed playing. He did discipline though.. and often. I have very few good memories of my childhood. We would go on outings pretty often. Truthfully, aside from these day trips and a couple other memories, this sums up the goodness of my childhood. Mostly I felt inadequate as a daughter, unprotected by my bullying sister, and unworthy to have as a friend.

In my early teenage years my parents separated and then divorced. As a 12 year old when my life already felt uncertain, my hormones were wacky, and I didn’t have a sense of who I was yet, then this brokenness to our already broken home was devastating. The sense of perfection heightened in me.

“If only I had behaved better, then maybe my mother wouldn’t have felt the need to yell at me all the time.”

“If only I had listened better to my dad when he shared with me all the financial woes of our household and swore me to secrecy.”

“If only I hadn’t fought with my sister so much, then our home would have been happier.”

So as I tried to find a new normal within myself, then I strived to reach a more perfect, perfect.

With their divorce, I was no longer just the sounding board for my dad. He shared with me all of his troubles (maritally and financially) as if I was his pro-bono counselor. I was now a sounding board for my mother too. My dad left her for another woman. So she was broken and it was my unspoken duty to raise her up, dust her off, and prepare her for her new life. I was very unprepared to do this thing at the ripe age of 13. My sister was labeled as irresponsible, so she couldn’t be trusted to do this. Only I could and I began resenting my mom more and more. She married another man soon thereafter and I warned him about her. “She doesn’t listen well.” “She likes to yell.” I told him. “She is a hard person to live with.” He scoffed at me and told me he would be fine. He then became verbally abusive to me. He would scream at me how bad I was. That I would ruin his daughter. The truth is, I was a good kid even though they didn’t think so. I did talk a lot, but I didn’t do drugs. I wasn’t having sex. I made good grades in school. I went to church. Their words haunted me and confirmed to me how bad I really was. No matter what, I couldn’t be good enough. I had begged my mom not to marry this man. She laughed at me. Every time I told her what I wanted or needed no matter the circumstance, I was labeled as being silly. Untruthful. She often told me I was funny for it.

Later in my life, I began being sassy and hateful in an effort to push her away. I desperately wanted to find a sense of who I was. My life was instead wrapped up with how she saw me and treated me. So she took me to the doctor and medicated me with anti-depressants claiming it was my father who had caused this in me. This is what a narcissistic does. They cannot take responsibility for their own actions. It was at this time that I began praying for the Lord to let me die. I begged for him to let me get into a car wreck during my commute to work & school. I would cry every time a tractor-trailor truck passed me and I was okay. There were lots of these large trucks on the road that led to my home. I felt it was my only way out, because as a perfectionist then there’s no way I could do it to myself. That would make me look imperfect. However, in my mind, then I could pray for the Lord to let it happen to me. Thankfully, He never answered those prayers in the way I hoped.

I went to church Sunday morning and Sunday night and on Wednesday night. If there was any type of program or function, then I would be there. I stopped helping in the nursery (which I enjoyed), so that I could be in the service. There was some truth I was missing and I had to find it! I started going to other churches too and getting involved there also. The truth must be more apparent at these churches, because I wasn’t finding it at my current church. I went through high school feeling desperately alone, misunderstood, and shackled to my perfection. I applied to and got into a Christian college. I thought that maybe there I could find what I was looking for. There, people would be Christians and they would understand me. They wouldn’t treat me badly. They wouldn’t make fun of me or hurt me on purpose.

I met Andy the summer before I left for college. He was kind to me. He didn’t expect me to be perfect. When I would make a mistake and break into tears begging for forgiveness he would calmly tell me how it was just an accident and I was okay. He made me feel important and loved, for the first time ever. He finished his senior year at college while I started my college career. I was definitely in for an awakening while I was there! I realized that I was still bad. Bad at school, bad at friendships, a bad roommate, and a bad communicator. I struggled through my freshman year and left feeling once again very alone and as if no matter how hard I tried, then I couldn’t do well with anything in life.

Andy rescued me that Summer when he married me and took me away from the chaos of my family. The one that I could do nothing right. The family that made me question my reality at every turn, because I couldn’t possibly feel the way I was feeling. The family who made me feel like I did a good job trying to be good, but really wasn’t very good at all. Andy helped to heal my heart. He told me the truths of God and helped me understand God’s grace and the forgiveness of Jesus. He helped me know that it was okay if I wasn’t perfect and that noone could achieve perfection.

We had been together for 6 years and attending a wonderful church that held amazing truths of God’s Word. One Sunday we had an Evangelist preacher come speak. He talked about his salvation and God’s goodness. I realized then that I wasn’t saved. The Lord spoke to Andy and whispered my name to him. He approached me about this and I was very defensive, because I couldn’t believe this was true. I had felt that I was saved as a young girl at bible camp. I don’t think I truly understood what it meant to be saved at this time. Although, undoubtedly, through the hardships of growing up in a broken home with a narcissistic mother and not-so-present father… the Lord had His hand on me! It was shocking to realize my perfection had gotten me nowhere with God. So at 24 years old on February 22, 2009 I asked the Lord to save me from my sins.

At the moment, it was like I held this small box of perfection in my hands. As I prayed to the Lord I could see this little box I held. I handed it over to the Father and released it to Him. No longer could I do this. No longer could I be perfect enough for Him either. It was only by His grace and the sacrifice of Jesus that I could be saved. I finally realized that my perfection could no longer save me.

A couple years later I began to realize I am still bad. Even though I tried desperately to still be good. I knew I couldn’t be perfect and I knew I wasn’t. I was okay with that. However, I was still really bad at being a daughter, a wife and a friend. I felt that I was a pretty good mom, but that was the only area of life that I wasn’t desperately messing up. I sought help through biblical counseling and the Lord granted me with a lady with such wisdom and strength. For years we walked the path of redemption together. She helped me to see that God’s grace is sufficient. I could never be enough for my parents, because they couldn’t see me for who the Creator created me to be. They couldn’t see my gifts or acknowledge that I was a woman after God’s own heart. I did some work on communication in my marriage too. It took many years of healing, but today I stand before you truly redeemed from the brokenness I once felt.

More than once in my life I have been suicidal. For much of my life I felt worthless; Unworthy of friendship or love. That’s not who God says I am though! Through the salvation of Jesus I am clothed in robes of righteousness (Isaiah 61:10), clothed with strength & dignity (Prov. 31:25) and a child of the one true King (Gal. 3:26) and so now I know that I no longer need perfection in my life. All I need is Jesus! As a recovering perfectionist.... How thankful I am for His redemption over me!