My Bible & Me

I am not a very sentimental person. I have a few cards that my husband gave me especially when we were dating and first married, but aside from that I am not a card keeper. I like to read them and I may hang on to them for a few days, but eventually they make their way into the trash can. I also don't keep all of my children's artwork. *gasp.* I have a few things from each of them that is special, but normally I will take a picture of it and in the trash it goes. With the exception of pictures, I am sort of obsessed with pictures, I am just not very sentimental... and that's okay!

However, I have to tell you one thing I am very sentimental about. My bible. It has been well used and well loved. We got my bible the same month we were married. So it is 12 years old. I got it in commemoration of my new name as a married woman. I was so excited to have my new married name engraved on the front! It has been underlined, highlighted, noted throughout, and cried on. It has been used well for the last 13 years. I have even put it in my will to my daughter, because that's how much I cherish it. Here shows you just how well it's been used.

I literally have notes from nearly every sermon I've heard over the last 13 years. Most pages are marked up like the ones you see here. The back of my bible is literally falling apart. Pages are slipping out, the binding is broken, and you can see threads where pages were once sewn. So yes, not even duct tape could fix this! 

I planned to get it rebound and resewn. However, the thought of being without it for 6-8 weeks was quite a long time for me. I kept telling my husband I didn't know how I would go without it for that long. I have another bible I like to read from for leisure read and I have a bible app on my phone, but it just wasn't the same. 

When I searched online and priced how much it was going to be to have this done, then I had some definite sticker shock! The cheapest I found was $130. Yikes! With tears in my eyes I told my sweet man that I couldn't spend that much when I knew I could get a new bible for so much less than that. He was kind to me and told me I have the option of always keeping this bible to refer back to my notes and highlights. Which, as silly as it sounds... I hadn't even thought of that as being an option. 

So, I decided I would get a new bible. When I was previously going to have my other bible rebound, then I had decided I would get it rebound in purple leather, because purple is my favorite color. So, on the way to the bookstore I had my mind made up for a purple leather women's study bible in NIV translation. My previous bible was a women's bible and I really liked that! 

We got to the bookstore. I went straight to the bibles and looked for every purple bible I could find. Color is of utmost importance, don't you think? I pulled out 7 bibles and was nearly on the verge of dropping them when I found a table. I called for the Hubs to come over (he is somewhat of a bible scholar) and I said, "I found all these bibles in purple or teal. I'll settle for teal. Now, I did decide to check some other translations though. Which one is best for me?" He laughed at my decision making according to color, immediately picked out 2 (incase you're wondering... one was purple and one was teal) and said, "Go with one of these."  I asked him, " Don't you atleast need to thumb through all of these? Check out all of my options and help me weigh the pros and cons of each?" He said, "Nope. I can tell you right now these two are what you want and what you need. So it's your choice." Okay... hmm... Well, I am not so great at deciding things like this. So I put up the other 5 bibles and gathered up the two he recommended and I sat down and began comparing passages, notes, study references, and the pros and cons of what I liked or didn't like about each bible.

The choices he gave me weren't women's bibles and neither of them were NIV. They were both HCBS study bibles. I am teaching two groups of women now. One in our community and another group of women in our church. The more I dig into God's word, then the more I long for it and the more I read, then the more I savor it. He really suggested a study bible for me. I have been getting more and more into reading commentaries and comparing scriptures and passages, so I knew he was right that I would enjoy a study bible. I decided on the biggest one, but not too big. It needed to fit into my purse! Don't worry, I have a big purse!  I got the purple one too! 

I do have my name engraved, but blurred it out for the picture

I am excited for the new studies this will help me with. I love the colorful maps, the timelines for each book of the bible, the references, the commentary, and the ease of reading that HCBS translation offers me. As I've begun a new chapter of teaching and studying God's word even more diligently over the last year, then I think this is a perfect time to get a new bible. A new season for me. This one is leather too, so it will hopefully hold up better than the bonded leather I had in my previous bible!

My new HCBS Study Bible

Yes, this bible wasn't cheap either, but it wasn't as much as the binding, sewing, and s&h would've been for my previous bible. The best blessing for me was I shared with the lady at the bookstore that I hadn't bought a new bible in 13 years. I told her how my other one was torn and falling apart so I had to buy a new one, but I was sad about that. I told her that even new bibles are more expensive than I expected. She was so kind and gave me 20% off of my new bible. (I love a good deal, and this thrilled me to death!)

Anyways, I just want to share with you my new bible buying experience. My other bible walked with me through lots of hardships and heartaches. Family matters, ended friendships, marital conflicts, and difficult parenting days. I think this bible is my new redemption bible. I look forward to what it will walk with me through. I am hopeful that it will be my bible that walks with me through the new journey of teaching the Lord has me on. Only God knows and wherever He leads, then I am ready to follow... new bible in tow!

Discerning Toxic People

I lead a bible study in the community once a week. We are wrapping up the study Breaking Free by Beth Moore. This study has been great even though I did most of this work with my counselor throughout our many years together. It's been a great reminder to me and it's also been a sweet time of watching the women around me to grow in their walks with the Lord and finding new truths of what the Bible says about breaking free of strongholds & bondage.

Something I have really prayed for this year is for the Lord to give me more discernment. I fall into friendships very easily and often realize (too late) how toxic those friendships are. I am too trusting of other people. I let people walk all over me and take advantage of me. That's who I am, but it's not who I want to be. The Bible speaks often about having strong boundaries, being strong women, and those who are easily deceived being led astray. Paul speaks of this quite a bit! So, this year it's been my prayer to ask the Lord to put in me a strong will of discernment. He is faithful & I know He will do it!

So at our last Bible Study, Beth Moore spoke on 2 Timothy 3:1-5 and how people are sinful. People are the mark of the times much moreso than natural disasters! One thing she specifically spoke on was toxic people. 2 Timothy 3:5 says "Have nothing to do with these people." So whereas some people think it's sinful to walk away from relationships that are toxic, hurtful, and even sinful... Paul is regarding it as healthy to walk away. We cannot serve toxic people who bring strife into our lives while also serving the One, True God! It's impossible.

Along with what I am learning, I also want to share with you some major points that Beth spoke about that really, really spoke to me... because truthfully... it was profound to me!! Please understand Beth's words here... She clarifies in a major way on her video.. This *does NOT* apply to your spouse or your children. Every other relationship is what this would apply to.

*There are some people we need to have nothing to do with. They may be fine without us and we may be fine without them, but together... it is TOXIC!

*In a relationship: if you find yourself suddenly feeling weak/fragile. All other times of your life you feel strong and capable, but when you're with a certain person you are consistently questioning yourself and feeling vulerable. Run, Sister, that relationship is TOXIC!

*Beware of people who make you feel like you cannot do anything alone. That you're incapable to be alone and/or you *need* them in order to survive or accomplish task(s). That person is TOXIC!

* When you get a feeling in the pit of your gut that something feels off in a relationship, then that's a warning sign. Take that warning and run. The Lord is giving you discernment!

Have extreme caution towards incongruity: people with a form of godliness but denying it's power (2 Tim. 3:5) "Form" is the recognizable Greek word morphosis. Morphosis (to morph into something else). 2 Corinthians 11:14 "And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light." Godly people can do ungodly things! Don't. Ever. Forget. That!

Have extreme caution towards instant intimacy: "The kind who worm their way into homes." 2 Timothy 3:6 "They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over weak-willed women". Weak-willed women in the Greek suggests "little women" but it's more precisely women are easily deceived and/or prone to temptation. Their weakness is primarily moral, not intellectual. Smart women who do dumb things. Little women give themselves over to damaged emotions.

I praise God I have been redeemed and no longer give myself over to damaged emotions. I used to be a perpetual "damsel in distress" and praise Him I am no longer in that mode anymore. However, I do not in any way want to be considered a little woman. We can be powerless OR we can be powerful, strong-willed, & empowered women who wreak havoc on satan's plans! I choose the latter!

Have extreme caution towards increasing control: the kind of person who gains control over time. Through jealousy. Through claiming to want to help you. Someone can easily say they want to help and then worm themselves into your life so deeply that you feel trapped, but yet you fell for it because they claim, "I just want to help you." In actuality, they have no basis for helping you at all. They have a basis for wanting to control you and the relationship you're in.

If you get these warning signals... then stand up against evil. Stand up for yourself. Be strong. Be courageous. This may be a stronghold in your life as I'm realizing it has been one of mine. I will overcome it. I have (through the power of Jesus) the power to demolish strongholds!! As do you sweet Sister!

2 Corinthians 10:3-5 "For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

Growth in Marriage

I was 17 when I met my husband, Andy. It was at a time in my life that I wrestled with who I was. I didn't feel beautiful. I didn't feel worthy of love. I didn't feel like anyone even liked me. Then, this man came into my life and treasured me.. truly treasured me. He showed me the absolute love of Jesus and there were many times I was very undeserving it too. As soon as we met, then we truly knew that the Lord had brought us together for marriage.

The Lord spoke to me as a young girl and told me that I would be married young. He shared with me that my husband would have brown hair and blue eyes and that he would be in ministry. I knew early in my life that I would be a "Pastor's Wife" and I looked forward to those duties. So I never dated any boys who didn't have brown hair and blue eyes and they had to truly love Jesus. I only dated one boy who didn't have the call of ministry (in some capacity) on his heart. It's funny as I think about that now. I reflect on those things now and am glad I had those priorities in my life. I wasn't the type of girl who desired to date around anyways, but I think being picky in this way definitely kept me from straying to the wrong type of boy throughout my school years.

So I met Andy who had brown hair, blue eyes, and was finishing his degree in biblical studies in order to fulfill a call of ministry in his life. I knew the Lord brought us together to be eachother's help mates. So, we married 10 short months after we met.

I have told people often that Andy rescued me. No doubt it was God's way of lifting me up out of the miry clay I was drowning in. My family life felt devastating. Life with my mother felt unwelcome. We fought often when I was home from college. She told me how I should & should not feel about everything. If I disagreed with her then I was told how wrong, ridiculous, or silly I was being. Or the biggest crusher? How un-christian I was. I was told often how I should be on anti-depressants so I would be more pleasant to be around. The truth is, I was fighting for me. For who I was and wanted to be. My Father had disowned me at this time. Threatening to take me out of his will as one of his children. I felt very abandoned by him. However, the Lord had brought Andy to me during these tumultuous days.... It was obvious, in my mind, God sent Him to rescue me.

Our first months together (I must add we didn't really know eachother, ha!) were wonderful. Filled with figuring eachother out & learning who each of us was together. However, the next few months were harder. I wanted Andy to identify who I was and love me too. I wanted Andy to fulfill the brokenness I felt within my soul. I expected him to never make me angry or hurt me as I had felt so damaged by anger & hurtfulness in the years prior to meeting him. Andy was patient with me and full of grace for my shortcomings, but after a point he began to resent my difficult personality.

God was so gracious to orchestrate many things in my life that ultimately led to redemption for me and our marriage. He put a friend in my path who bravely and lovingly pointed out to me what a terrible wife I was being. Yes, that sounds harsh, and yes it wasn't easy to hear! Was it the truth? Sadly, it absolutely was! God began convicting me of my ungrateful & unthankful heart. I was a complainer. I had difficulty finding good in anything. I sought out the negative and never looked for blessings. So, I began practicing only thankfulness. If I felt negative towards something, then I began to hold it in and just tell God about it and never voiced it to Andy (or others).

Several years passed. Through many convictions & prayers our marriage was better. I was still having many dark days though and I sought out Christian counsel for myself. My counselor helped me to further investigate who I am in Christ! My husband couldn't identify me or fulfill me. Only the cross of Jesus Christ was equipped to handle those uncertainties in my life. So I began running to Jesus and asking Him to reveal to me who I was. So He did! As I ran to Jesus to discover who I was in Him, then Andy and I began growing closer. Our marriage began to strengthen and we began to do marriage, parenthood, and life together instead of Andy having to usher me & hold me up through our married life.

Our marriage of 12 years is truly one of redemption and I am so thankful that Andy didn't give up on me. I am grateful that I didn't give up on me. I am overwhelmed that God didn't give up on me. Ladies, let me encourage you that no man can heal your brokenness or repair the damage you have felt in your life. Only Christ can do this for you! I have been one blessed lady to have a man like Andy who didn't leave me destitute in my brokenness. He saw me through it all and waited on the Lord to work in my life. However, I am sure that he would tell you it wasn't easy and I have no doubt that he felt like giving up on me often. Praise God he didn't!! I can assure you the redemption of our marriage has been sweet. We are truly so blessed to have eachother. Although, we walked through many difficult years we still have some hard days every now & then. However, we stay committed & loyal to eachother. We love doing life together and are truly more in love today than we were in the beginning when we were so young & in love.

12 years of marriage together

Seek the Lord, sweet Sisters, to repair the heartaches in your life. He loves you and desires for you to have full & complete freedom! While I'm not opposed to medications when they are needed.. I also know the power of counseling and how working through the sins in your life (both sins you've committed and sins done to you) can redeem you from depression. Isaiah 49:16 "See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;    your walls are ever before me." The Lord holds you in His hands and He longs to redeem you, heal you... FREE you! 

Micah 7:18 "Who is a God like you,    who pardons sin and forgives the transgression    of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever  but delight to show mercy."

Run to the Father, sweet sister! Find your joy & completeness in Him and Him alone!! "He would have to be less God to love us less... It's impossible. He is the initiator of our love! The source is Him. If we love Him it's because He loved us first" (Beth Moore) 1 John 5:14-15 " This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him."

Redemptive Christmas

When I began my journey to wholeness many years ago I had no idea the path I would walk. I felt alone and unworthy as a person. Suicidal thoughts plagued my teenage years and often crossed my mind in my adult years. Even after I became a mother. I used to think how much easier it would be if I would just die and go to Heaven. I wondered often if anyone would even miss me. These thoughts became more prevalent in my life and it was after an ended friendship and those dark thoughts were engulfing me that I finally sought help.

It was through biblical counseling that I expected to work on my friendships & marriage, because I couldn't keep friends and my marriage felt lonely in those days. However, small truths of my childhood began creeping out. Truths like.. I didn't play much as a child. I had to be a confidant to my dad and I lived in fear of the money troubles we faced as a family. I worked diligently to keep my mother happy even though I failed often. I felt I had to take care of my sister even though she hated me and faulted me for it. It became very clear as these truths seeped out that I was in the role of parenting... and parents don't play. 

So for a couple of years I worked with my counselor diligently nurturing this little girl inside me who never got to play. So I played alot with my children. We did fun things and had fun outings. I allowed myself to cry when I needed to cry. I sought refuge from the Lord when I felt lonely or afraid. I took care of her... this little girl hiding inside me... this little girl who never got to be a little girl. I took care of me. Slowly, I began realizing I am no longer this little girl anymore. This "little girl" who felt so inadequate and incapable of doing anything began feeling empowered bit by bit. 

It was this Christmas that I realized just how much this little girl has grown. For the first time in my life I realized I have become a woman. I once had great expectations during the Christmas season. Expectations for grand presents in many numbers. Expectations that it should be about me. I have no idea why I had this expectation... other than it was that little girl who used to be within me longing for honor and love through the magic of Christmas. 

This year, however, my presents were few and my heart was full. The presents I received were wonderful and I am so very grateful for them! However, what brought me the most joy this Christmas? Not the presents. 

• It was doing Acts of Kindness with my children throughout the Christmas season.
• It was doing daily advents together as we counted down the days to celebrate Christmas.
• We made birthday cupcakes for Jesus
• We had an amazing Christmas Eve Service at our church. They hadn't had a CES in 8 years. We brought to them the idea of a candlelight service and expected only a handful of people. We were surprised and giddy with joy when we had 25 people come! That was a beautiful sight and music to our ears as we sang hymns of praise to the newborn King!
• We enjoyed a relaxing pajama day for Christmas day without any fear of retribution for doing what we wanted & needed for our family time. (We used to be chastised for asking for what we wanted within our extended family unit and made to feel bad for asking that Christmas Day be only our little family.)

When Christmas is over I have been known to cry in the past. Cry that the "magic" is over. I would lament over putting away the decorations so much so that my husband would always put away the beautiful lights and tree.  However, that wasn't the case this year! Everything was over and I was finished. We waited a few days and then put away all of our decorations & magical pieces together as a family. 

The list could go on for days... but I cherished each moment of my womanhood this Christmas season. I realized this year just how much the Lord has grown me, changed me, renewed me, & strengthened me. How grateful I am for this new redemption!! How great is our God!! 

I pray that you will let Jesus grow you into the woman He has for you to be! He is such a God of redemption and He longs to redeem you from the hardships you face and the insurmountable trials you may be facing.

Like a New Kitchen

We have lived here in this house since April (2015) and I have loved everything about this house except the kitchen. I am someone who cooks often and loves to create recipes with our children. So, a small kitchen wasn't really what I wanted as we hunted for houses. In the end, I decided that the rest of the house, the price, etc was worth the small kitchen. What made it even smaller, however, was the dark, dark cabinets. I'm talking probably original to the house when it was built in the early 1970's. 

Ever since I moved in then I've had the inclination to paint them. I did lots of research over several months. Reading blogs, looking on Pinterest, talking to home improvement stores, etc. I waivered often about doing it. In the end, I had a hard time getting up the gumption to do it. I decided about a month ago that I would start this project and work on it a little at a time. It didn't have to get finished in 10 days and I was okay with that. I figured it would be a fun project to work on throughout the winter months. 

The truth is, once I got started then I just wanted to finish!! Honestly, at times I looked at my supportive husband and said, "I feel like this is a nightmare that won't end." The truth is... once you start, then you can't go back! I have pictures to show you the process. However, the redemption that came from this project was exhilarating. If this had been 6-8+ years ago, then no way would I have even attempted to attack this project!! No way would I even *think* about it. At that time in my life, I felt like I couldn't do anything right and I wasn't good enough at anything to be able to give due justice to such a large project.

I used to be faint of heart and a perpetual damsel in distress. I felt like I needed to be rescued at all times. I felt worthless and "good for nothing". However, since the Lord has changed my heart and shown me that I am His and I am a capable woman, then I love trying new things and doing new projects. 

I know it seems trivial, but this is truly a reflection of my redemption. This was a huge accomplishment for me and made me feel like the sky is the limit. I can do *anything* because God has equipped me to do great things.... both in this world and for His kingdom! Glory, Glory.... He is so good to me!

Okay, so for the big reveal!! Here are some before pictures.

This is the listing picture for our kitchen

This looks into our dining area. Due to the small size,
then we had cabinets added to the dining room wall

All doors have been removed and then
I needed to remove all things from the cabinets

Next, emptied cabinet boxes had to be sanded
I used an electric palm sander with 180 sandpaper
This was a *messy* job!

I set up an assembly line in my garage, so I could even work on rainy days
and at night. The cabinets and drawers were sanded, primed, and painted out here

 

Priming commences ~~ Excuse the mess. Isn't that what garages are for though?

Priming all cabinets

 And for those who say, this isn't a big job.... you can do it in a week!! Please know... it's a *BIG* job!!! Much bigger than I expected! Let me also make clear to you that for the first time living here in this home I was so happy to say, I love our small kitchen!! lol! 

The process was as follows. Clean all cabinets, drawers, and doors with cleaner, then sand the death out of each piece with 180 sandpaper. Next, you'd wipe or vacuum up all dust (there's alot!) Now clean all pieces with rubbing alcohol (water will only mess up the grain in your wood). Then you prime. Sand with 300 sandpaper. Prime again. Sand again. Paint. Sand. Paint again. I did the back of the cabinets first and then flipped over to do the front of the cabinets last. 

I began with Valspar Cabinet Enamel and that stuff is horrid!! DON'T BUY IT!!! It's expensive too. I called Valspar and they were *no* help. So I called Lowe's and they were so kind and replaced the can for me with a different can of paint. So I went with HGTV Sherwin Williams Showcase Paint. Medium Gloss Linen color.

I am loving the new cabinets though! I also replaced all of the hardware, hinges & cabinet pulls. It looks great!!

They look white, but in actuality have a hint of yellow/cream in them. 

 Project 2 will be replacing the backsplash! I will be learning to do that this weekend when a new friend helps me do it! I am most excited about that, because I got 3 boxes of glass tile on clearance for only $35!! 

I'll update when I have that finished!! 

I'm telling you, this was a hard project, but I am thankful I did it and can say that I truly did it! I am empowered and learning how much I love home improvement projects! I can't wait to learn more! God really is a redeeming God to take this shy, unworthy girl and has created in me a woman who loves to learn new things and feels as if I can tackle the world! 

Project 3 will be new countertops (that will be after we get our tax return)

Project 4 (probably 2-3 years from now) will be stainless steel appliances

Killer words

"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer." Psalm 19:14

This is one of my favorite verses. One I pray often with our children as much as for myself. 

Many years ago, the words of my mouth used to be everything except pleasing to the Lord. Sarcasm dripped from my mouth like bitter molasses. Strong, slow, and purposeful. I was full of contention and complaint. You know the verse in the Bible that to live on the corner of a roof is better than to live inside a home with a contentious woman? That was me... I was that woman. It's shocking that my marriage survived the many years that antagonism plagued me. Complaint was readily upon my lips. 

Sarcasm is easily spoken to someone [you love] and then tauntingly pulled back by saying, "I was only joking!" As in.. it's your problem for taking offense to that, because it was just a joke! All the while... there's always truth in that sarcastic joke. I used to be so very sarcastic in cutting down my husband's personhood. Who he was and what he was about. Emasculating him in a major way and making him feel like he wasn't good enough. What husband wants to be with a wife like that? What husband could look forward to providing for and coming home to a woman like that?

It's not easy for me to admit these things openly. However, I share them with great confidence in the redeeming power of our God, because I am not that woman anymore! 

I loved finding fault in others and while much of this is something I was taught to do... I also have to take responsibility for my own actions. I was wrapped up in a world of gossip and found fault with everyone for the smallest of infractions. I had no grace for other people and was so bitter in my own life.  

I would love to tell you there was a turning point in my life that made me realize how wrong I was. Unfortunately, I cannot do that. It was only by the grace of God I started realizing that everything I had to say was negative. My husband pointed it out to me a few times too. I finally reached a point in my life that I decided to start looking for good! It took much prayer, but no matter how annoyed I was I chose not to voice it. I chose to keep it to myself and pray about it. I chose to start finding anything good I could think of from every annoyance that surrounded me.

Laundry keeps piling up --> Atleast we have clothes to wear
My husband snores --> Atleast I know he's breathing
The waitress was rude --> Maybe she just got some really bad news and is scared
That car is in my way --> Maybe the Lord is keeping me from a wreck up ahead
Our kids aren't listening to me --> Atleast I have children who are healthy & well

Do you see? Even though life annoyances are real and true... I can have understanding for those hardships while still finding a positive about them. I am not at all saying this is easy. Especially in the beginning. I *am* saying it's possible to do!!

Now, so many years later... I no longer complain about the small annoyances of life. I do not find myself looking for fault in others. Sarcasm no longer drips from my words and contention is far from my being. In Psalm 19:14 it says, "My rock and my Redeemer" because God can transplant us from the sin we are in and set us up on solid rock, a firm foundation! Redeemer is the Hebrew word goel and means kinsman-redeemer. A kinsman redeemer buys their relative out of slavery when the "slave" cannot pay for himself. He rescues him from total loss and ruin. King David (who wrote this Psalm) looked to God as his Kinsman-Redeemer. 

I also know that God redeemed me from the sins of my mouth and the meditations of my prideful heart. In doing so, it truly saved my marriage! It is only through knowing that God can redeem you of your sin that you can relinquish these sins unto Him. If you are not true to yourself about what sin you're in or you choose to ignore the fact that your words aren't pleasing to Him and the people surrounding you, then there's no hope for Him to redeem your words & thoughts. We must be real and open ourselves up to the fact that the words of our mouth are as deadly and as sinful as a loaded weapon. 

So what will you choose? Will you choose for your words and thoughts to be redeemed and therefore pleasing to the Lord or will you once again load your weapon and aim for the one who is closest in your path? Your child? Your spouse? Your coworker? 

Start looking for the beauty among the ashes and finding gratitude in the mundane...

Let the Lord be your Kinsman-Redeemer too! Let Him set you free from killer statements & thoughts!

Time of New Beginnings

We moved to Northwestern Kentucky at the beginning of January from East Tennessee. I had a thriving Pampered Chef business that I had built over the last 3 years. I loved my business, my customers, and the self-worth I felt in what the Lord had given me the wisdom to build.

Growing up in a home where I experienced gaslighting (click on gaslighting to get more information on what gaslighting is) on a consistent basis I felt like I was in a constant state of confusion. Anytime I questioned my mom (as a child or an adult), stood up for myself against accusations, shared my viewpoints, etc. then I was repeatedly told, "That's not what happened and you know it." or "It's because you're so sensitive." or "That's not true." So I was left trying to figure out if what I thought was true was really true. Could it be that I was wrong about what I thought was true? I felt a little crazy.. most of the time! I would spend *days* going over conversations in my mind and trying to sort out the details so I could understand what the "truth" was. It was mentally exhausting.

Due to my "constant state of confusion" I felt truly unintelligent. I didn't feel bright at all. So for me to have built a good business from the ground up made me feel clever! It made me feel like I was capable of great things! After my shows, customers would sit around a table, eat my delicious creations, and praise my accomplishments for a great, entertaining show. They relished the food I prepared for them. I was shocked! I didn't think I could be good at anything!!

So you see, when we moved away from my thriving business I mourned the loss of what I would no longer have. I had the possibility of re-starting my business, but every time I prayed about starting a Pampered Chef business here I just didn't have any sort of peace about it. I even had shows lined up and after much, much prayer I realized the Lord didn't want me to continue on with the business I loved. Despite the fact I didn't understand this call, I obeyed.


So now, fast forward from my resignation to now, exactly 4 months. The Lord has opened up so many doors for me to be in teaching positions here! Unfortunately, none of these are paid, but it's my prayer that I am helping women grow in their relationships with Jesus and that's worth so much more than a paycheck!  I am now teaching 11 Kindergarten & 1st grade students in our homeschool co-op! This is a brand new concept for me, but I'm having so much fun with these sweet kiddos! I have been teaching a bible study with Beth Moore for about 3 months now and the blessings of this bible study has nourished my dry & weary soul in a splendid way!! Lastly, the Lord just recently opened up the opportunity for me to start a women's Sunday School class on Sunday mornings at our church! Whew.. 3 classes! I would've laughed if you told me this a year ago! It takes much time and preparation, but I am reveling in it! I am passionate about supporting women in their journey of truth about Jesus! What a blessing and an honor as He has bestowed these classes upon me!

It's interesting that when we give up the things we love... when the Lord calls us to do so... then He brings us bigger blessings more than we could expect! I look back now and all I can think is, "Okay Lord! I get it now! There's no way I could run my business, homeschool 2 kids + a toddler, be a pastor's wife, and teach 3 classes!" The latter 3 keep me busy enough!! God is good and His faithfulness endures forever!!

Isaiah 52:1-3 

"Awake, awake, O Zion, 

clothe yourself with strength. 

Put on your garments of splendor...

Shake off your dust; 

rise up, sit enthroned, O Jerusalem, 

Free yourself from the chains on your 

neck, 

O Captive Daughter of Zion. 

For this is what the Lord says: 

'You were sold for you nothing, 

and without money you will be 

redeemed.'" 

Hallelujah and AMEN!

Celebrating Deliverance

I have been pretty candid on my blog so far about having to walk away from mentally & emotionally abusive relationships and the fear that is still a stronghold (although it's thankfully dwindling) in my life. However, as I am wrapping up my bible study on the book of Esther with Beth Moore the Lord continues to reveal to me that He holds me in His hands. I am excited to tell you, Friend... He holds you too!!

Please allow me to share a few things I've learned over the last few days that are cultivating my continued healing.

Esther 9:19 tells us of the new appointed holiday that the Jews will annually celebrate. This is because they are free from the decree that was put on them by Haman to annihilate and destroy all of them. They decided to celebrate... they chose joy!! Beth Moore states, "Because Christ has overcome sin and the grave, any day can be a day of joy, but can you imagine the impact of becoming deliberate about it?"

Feast of Purim

So on this special day they give presents and special food to each other along with throwing feasts & banquets. In the passage, you'll see the word gift or present.Those words can mean gift of food or even something more than food. Let me dig deeper and tie this together for you with more scripture! Psalm 16:5-6 says "you make my 'lot' secure" and in Esther 3:7 the word "lot" is also used when Haman threw lots to see what day the Jews' slaughter would be held.
The word "lot" here is the SAME Hebrew word as gift! The 3 words favor, portions (aka presents), and lots are interlaced. Beth declares, "No matter what life - or Satan himself - hands us, the favor God has on His children causes that "lot" to tumble out on the table in such a way that, instead of destruction the child will discover that her portion is turned into destiny one trusting step at a time. When all is said and done, she will see that the portion God assigned her was good. Right. Rich. Full of purpose."

Psalm 16:5 ESV "The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot." This verse really spoke to me!

I have seen the goodness of my God! He has rescued me from my enemies. The day we can realize this... that God has the best plans for us when we follow Him, then we will have "a day of joy and feasting, a day for giving presents to eachother" (Esther 9:19, NIV)

Beth Moore states, "We glorify God when we celebrate our deliverance."

So I continue to share with you reflections of my redemption. As raw as it is,as painful as it's been, and as victorious as I stand. This blog is not about me. It's about my deliverance.... and that's about Jesus! So when I celebrate my deliverance by sharing my story with you (God called me to do so), then I am glorifying God! "God gave His one and only Son as His portion and we who receive Him have the joy of giving to others out of that lavish portion." - Beth

So, let me leave you with one last set of verses. Here is the original verse: Psalm 30:1-3,11-12 and here for you is my version and the account of my deliverance.

I will exalt You, O Lord, for You are my Redeemer and did not let my enemies gloat over me. O Lord my God, I called to You for help and You rescued me.

O Lord, You brought me up from the grave; you spared me from mental abuse, the perfection I once sought, and the hopelessness I once felt.

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with righteousness, joy, kindness, gladness, hope, love, peace, and grace that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you praise forever!!

Better with Boundaries

For many years I have struggled with putting boundaries in place. Learning that it's okay to say no. Realizing that if I am unable to be apart of something or choose not to do it, then I am not in sin.

 I grew up in a home of high expectations. I was not allowed to have an opinion and I most certainly was not allowed to say no. However, my thoughts and attitudes were secretly expected to match those of my mother. This left me in a perpetual state of guessing her desires and trying to live up to them. That's a day in the life as a child of a narcissist. 

For many years I was in counseling. Learning who I was and who I'm not. Determining I'm not persistently in sin or bad for having my own thoughts & desires. Grasping this new idea of boundaries. Through counseling and reading books I realized that boundaries are a Christian thing to do. It's something God himself does. It is not sinful and it is not wrong and boundaries are actually a sign of being healthy!

I learned this concept about 5 years ago. Truly put it into practice 2 years ago. Fought for my life with it 1 year ago. Fought & won! It was a battle of boundaries to pull myself up from the mire I was sinking in and declare myself an adult Christian woman with a family who deserved to be treated respectfully & honorably. Psalm 69:14 "Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink; deliver me from those who hate me, from the deep waters." was my anthem... and God did that for me!

So yes, I was rescued! I fought the battle! I won the war! God and me!! Truthfully though, I still wrestle with my old demons of feeling "bad" and "unworthy" and "unrighteous" for setting boundaries. Even though over and over the Lord has revealed to me that I am not in sin. In fact, I am choosing to follow Him instead of the idols of pleasing people.

THEN!! This week in Esther the Lord revealed something big to me!! Esther set a HUGE boundary! Haman had set a date to kill her and all her people. She had gone before the King twice! The second time she revealed to him what Haman was planning... annihilation of her people. The King stormed out and Haman stayed behind with Esther to plead for his life. Harem protocol in those days was that no man should be alone with one of the King's women and even moreso, not within 7 feet! Haman, however, *fell on the couch* where Esther was laying. He really felt he had nothing more to lose! 

So let me pause for a moment. I've set boundaries and they weren't accepted well... at all. Later, after boundaries were kept in place, then I was given apologies. Half-hearted apologies. Not sincere ones. Just shame-inducing excuses to try and get me back into a place where I used to be.. under the influence of mental abuse. I didn't accept these apologies. Although, in my heart I had forgiven these boundary-less and merciless people who wreaked havoc in my life. I had taken them to the cross of Jesus and left them there for Him to heal and help. Because, honestly, I no longer could.

Now, returning to Esther. Beth Moore says, "I don't think she could take the chance that he or the situation would change. Furthermore, does begging for one's life equal repentance? Is anything more natural or instinctive than pleading for your own skin when it's in jeopardy?" I hear that! I recognize that sort of apology! It isn't for the sake of truly seeking repentance... it's purely for the advantage of someone else's reputation.

"So long as an enemy as powerful and shrewd as Haman lived he was a threat to Esther, Mordecai, and the Jewish community. To say here that Esther was merciless and unfeeling is to misinterpret the entire situation. Thus, while her heart might have prompted her to be merciful, logic and prudence restrained her." - Carey, Moore, The Anchor Bible Commentary.

So the truth is, Friends, boundaries are important. For all of us, even Queens of Persia! They aren't sinful or ungodly. They are necessary. Beth Moore states that if someone goes out of their way to harm someone else they're digging a pit. Psalm 7:15-16 "Whoever digs a hole and scoops it out falls into the pit they have made.The trouble they cause recoils on them;  their violence comes down on their own heads." Haman dug his pit. "Knowingly or not, Haman had placed himself in Satan's hands only to be betrayed by him. It happens every time." - Beth Moore. 

My family dug their pit by choosing to ignore me beseeching them for grace and extensions of mercy. For years, I asked them to listen to me instead of ignore me. To talk respectfully to my husband and me instead of calling me names or disparage my man. For years, I begged and cried. I demanded and hoped. I wrote letters and I waited. The pit was dug. As Beth says, "In effect Christ says, 'I'm already great enough for both of us,' relieving the willing of their woeful burden. 'Just follow Me.'" So I chose to lay down the life of mental abuse, and walk away.. as hard as that was.. to the life that Jesus had intended for me. I laid down my life and followed Jesus! 

So, I share this all with you to say that once again the Lord redeemed me this week from the shackles of fear. Fear that I am not a good person. Fear that I am sinful for setting boundaries. Fear that I am "bad". He continues to redeem me and set me free. He continues to rescue me and show me that I am His! 

I can identify with Paul in the Bible who says "But whatever I am now, it is all because God poured out his special favor on me--and not without results. For I have worked harder than any of the other apostles; yet it was not I but God who was working through me by his grace." 1 Corinthians 15:10

Fearful Existence

Being the daughter of a narcissistic mother and a self-absorbed father caused me to question many things in my childhood. I tiptoed along the edges of my life fearful of what would lay around the corner. I didn't feel safe. Not emotionally. Which transferred into not feeling safe physically. I was never sure if my mom would be happy with me or if she would explode her frustrations before me. If she was in a good mood, then all seemed right in the world. More often than not, she was in a depressed mood. Which translated, "leave me alone." If things were not done the way she wanted them accomplished, then there was a huge price to pay. She would explode and when she did it was a tsunami of emotions that threatened to drown me. It felt lonely and uncertainty loomed above me. I was never sure why she was so angry. I couldn't understand how trying my "best" was never good enough. I didn't like being blamed for situations out of my control. However, all these things were embedded deep into my memory bank to remind me of how stupid, how wrong, and how bad I was.

As a young child, I didn't understand these emotions. Now that I do, I can tell you that most children with narcissistic parents wrestle with fear. My fear translated itself into safety within my home. What if we were broken into? What if someone tried to kill me in my sleep? I could crawl out my window, but there are woods behind me and I might get lost. Every night, I tried to figure out what I'd do if & when this happened. My emotional fear had transferred itself and threatened my physical safety. Which, oddly enough, only created more fear & emotional turmoil inside of me.

Today, I still wrestle with fear. Fearful of being broken into. Fearful that I may appear stupid when talking with others.... that I might say the wrong thing. Fearful that I am not liked. Fearful that others will think poorly of me. I'll admit to you though, the times that my fear runs the most rampant in my mind, is when I am not taking care of myself emotionally. I have to be diligent to stay in God's word. I have to keep my boundaries strong for what I want & desire for my life and not allow others to determine those boundaries for me. I have to reach out and ask for help when my fear is threatening to overtake me. When we bring our fear out of the darkness & into the light of God, then satan can no longer use those fears to haunt us.

For years, I have chosen to unshackle my prisons of fear. It is something I take to the cross every day, because I serve a big God!! 

Sometimes we are afraid, sometimes this “spirit of fear” overcomes us, and to overcome it we need to trust in and love God completely. “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love” (1 John 4:18). No one is perfect, and God knows this. That is why He has liberally sprinkled encouragement against fear throughout the Bible. Beginning in the book of Genesis and continuing throughout the book of Revelation, God reminds us to “Fear not.”

Friends, I love the different names of God! The one I am continuing to learn about Him right now is His name, El Elroi. Which means, God Who Sees! I love that He sees my affliction and knows my heart. I love that He knows when nobody else knows. I love that He knows when I don't know. I love that He is the all-knowing, ever seeing, and always loving God! He has me in His hands and it's with His power that I continue to turn my fear over to Him and allow Him to make me perfect in His love. He can do the same for you, Friend! 

Jesus can cast fear out of your life. Jesus can cast drug addition out of your life. Jesus can heal you from your sexual sin. Jesus can bring you to Himself and save you out of the darkness you're in! How do I know this? Because Jesus continues to redeem me from the mentally abusive childhood I endured and it is Jesus who has healed my brokenness and made me new! He knows, Friend... He knows!!! Will you let Jesus know you today?

Psalm 84:11-12 "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you."

My Honor Depends on God

I am feeling the need to be transparent and share something quite personal about myself. I hate my birthday. I just celebrated it and it summons memories of my childhood that I don't like and it conjures a sense of entitlement within me. Which is purely self-serving and breeds an unsatisfying desire for worthiness.

As the child of a narcissist there weren't many days that I felt okay to be me. Most days I felt unheard, unloved, and unsure of my life. I wasn't allowed to have an opinion. I wasn't given the freedom to choose my likes or dislikes. I was hyper-vigilant to the needs & desires of everyone around me, except myself.

However, on my birthday, my mother would plan a huge party for my sister and me. She rented bowling alleys, movie theaters, and community pools for our parties. We invited lots of friends. We ordered lots of pizza. We had a great time. Birthdays and major holidays were the only days that I felt special and wanted. Even as an adult, my mother made a huge deal of my birthday and I relished every moment of it. However, please understand... the lures of honor that she dangled in front of me cost me my life.

Not my life in the physical sense. But my life in the spiritual & emotional sense. Who I was. What I was about. My premise as a girl, my premise as a woman. The lures of grandiosity, honor, favor, gifts, money, & lavish meals out cost me my person-hood. I bit the lures and held on with great fervor in hopes that she really did love me as a person. However, the truth has been revealed to me as I've escaped the clutches of fictional favor. It is not out of love that these things were given or lured. No, it was out of selfish grandiosity and ego-inflamation. She felt good about herself. I praised her and thanked her for her generosity. Which is everything a good narcissist lives for! However, the day after my birthday and holidays.. the same feelings of inadequacy returned. The yelling returned. The offensive comments returned. The dismissals of who I am & my concerns for these things all returned.

So as an adult, I often desire a huge birthday celebration, and when I don't get one I turn into a 5 year old at a circus being told they cannot ride the elephant. I demand honor and respect for *my* birthday. I want to be put on a pedestal and admired and loved. I expect to be wooed and coddled and celebrated because I am me and this was the day that *I* was born!  Seriously though, is that even reality? No, it's not.

I approached this last birthday with self-made promises that I would not go down that road again this year. It is unrealistic. It is selfish. I am an adult woman and do not need, nor deserve this sort of admiration. My day came and for the most part I did okay. However, evening approached, and my selfish, conceited ways reared their ugly head.... and I threw a huge fit!

The last few days as I've looked back on it. Talked with my husband & Godly mentor about the situation and prayed over my behavior. I must tell you... I don't know how much longer I'll hold onto my past of never feeling adequate. I desire to be free, completely free, from these shackles! I long to not walk memory lane contemplating my childhood. I don't want that to be the definition of me, because it's not. My childhood and my narcissistic mother do not define me. God does!! My mentor said to me, "Would it be better to be unloved 364 days of the year in order to be loved just 1 day? Or would you prefer to be loved 365 days of the year including your birthday too? Because your husband, your children, your friends... they love you 365 days of the year. However, you're holding onto that childhood moment of being loved just 1 day. So which would you prefer?" Friends, that statement jolted me like a lightning bolt!

I am going through Esther right now and thinking how much I was like Haman this week. Esther 6:6 "Now Haman thought to himself, 'Who is there that the king would rather honor than me?' " The truth is.. I was being presumptuous with a sense of entitlement just like Haman was in that moment.

Beth Moore says this, "One of the bad things about an insatiable desire for honor is that sooner or later it's going to make a fool of us, robbing us of the very thing we intended to receive."

How guilty I am of this! It is so humbling to admit to these things. Pride plays into the hands of the enemy. However, the Lord is calling me to tell my story and be transparent. Sisters, this is part of my story.. as much as I hate it. The Lord continues to redeem me and this week, He is freeing me of this.

"If we cannot wait upon the Lord, then we cannot fill our destiny." - Beth Moore

This is the truth: Psalm 62:7 "My salvation and my honor depend on God; 

He is my rock, my refuge."

I don't need 1 day of honor from my mother in order to receive 364 days of mental abuse. All I need is Jesus 365 days and to receive the fullness of love from my God-given family I am so blessed to have.

So I ask you, are you presumptuous of honor? Will you join me in taking it to the Cross? Our salvation and our honor depend on God and He alone is our rock & our refuge! Amen!