Celebrating Deliverance

I have been pretty candid on my blog so far about having to walk away from mentally & emotionally abusive relationships and the fear that is still a stronghold (although it's thankfully dwindling) in my life. However, as I am wrapping up my bible study on the book of Esther with Beth Moore the Lord continues to reveal to me that He holds me in His hands. I am excited to tell you, Friend... He holds you too!!

Please allow me to share a few things I've learned over the last few days that are cultivating my continued healing.

Esther 9:19 tells us of the new appointed holiday that the Jews will annually celebrate. This is because they are free from the decree that was put on them by Haman to annihilate and destroy all of them. They decided to celebrate... they chose joy!! Beth Moore states, "Because Christ has overcome sin and the grave, any day can be a day of joy, but can you imagine the impact of becoming deliberate about it?"

Feast of Purim

So on this special day they give presents and special food to each other along with throwing feasts & banquets. In the passage, you'll see the word gift or present.Those words can mean gift of food or even something more than food. Let me dig deeper and tie this together for you with more scripture! Psalm 16:5-6 says "you make my 'lot' secure" and in Esther 3:7 the word "lot" is also used when Haman threw lots to see what day the Jews' slaughter would be held.
The word "lot" here is the SAME Hebrew word as gift! The 3 words favor, portions (aka presents), and lots are interlaced. Beth declares, "No matter what life - or Satan himself - hands us, the favor God has on His children causes that "lot" to tumble out on the table in such a way that, instead of destruction the child will discover that her portion is turned into destiny one trusting step at a time. When all is said and done, she will see that the portion God assigned her was good. Right. Rich. Full of purpose."

Psalm 16:5 ESV "The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot." This verse really spoke to me!

I have seen the goodness of my God! He has rescued me from my enemies. The day we can realize this... that God has the best plans for us when we follow Him, then we will have "a day of joy and feasting, a day for giving presents to eachother" (Esther 9:19, NIV)

Beth Moore states, "We glorify God when we celebrate our deliverance."

So I continue to share with you reflections of my redemption. As raw as it is,as painful as it's been, and as victorious as I stand. This blog is not about me. It's about my deliverance.... and that's about Jesus! So when I celebrate my deliverance by sharing my story with you (God called me to do so), then I am glorifying God! "God gave His one and only Son as His portion and we who receive Him have the joy of giving to others out of that lavish portion." - Beth

So, let me leave you with one last set of verses. Here is the original verse: Psalm 30:1-3,11-12 and here for you is my version and the account of my deliverance.

I will exalt You, O Lord, for You are my Redeemer and did not let my enemies gloat over me. O Lord my God, I called to You for help and You rescued me.

O Lord, You brought me up from the grave; you spared me from mental abuse, the perfection I once sought, and the hopelessness I once felt.

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with righteousness, joy, kindness, gladness, hope, love, peace, and grace that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you praise forever!!

Better with Boundaries

For many years I have struggled with putting boundaries in place. Learning that it's okay to say no. Realizing that if I am unable to be apart of something or choose not to do it, then I am not in sin.

 I grew up in a home of high expectations. I was not allowed to have an opinion and I most certainly was not allowed to say no. However, my thoughts and attitudes were secretly expected to match those of my mother. This left me in a perpetual state of guessing her desires and trying to live up to them. That's a day in the life as a child of a narcissist. 

For many years I was in counseling. Learning who I was and who I'm not. Determining I'm not persistently in sin or bad for having my own thoughts & desires. Grasping this new idea of boundaries. Through counseling and reading books I realized that boundaries are a Christian thing to do. It's something God himself does. It is not sinful and it is not wrong and boundaries are actually a sign of being healthy!

I learned this concept about 5 years ago. Truly put it into practice 2 years ago. Fought for my life with it 1 year ago. Fought & won! It was a battle of boundaries to pull myself up from the mire I was sinking in and declare myself an adult Christian woman with a family who deserved to be treated respectfully & honorably. Psalm 69:14 "Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink; deliver me from those who hate me, from the deep waters." was my anthem... and God did that for me!

So yes, I was rescued! I fought the battle! I won the war! God and me!! Truthfully though, I still wrestle with my old demons of feeling "bad" and "unworthy" and "unrighteous" for setting boundaries. Even though over and over the Lord has revealed to me that I am not in sin. In fact, I am choosing to follow Him instead of the idols of pleasing people.

THEN!! This week in Esther the Lord revealed something big to me!! Esther set a HUGE boundary! Haman had set a date to kill her and all her people. She had gone before the King twice! The second time she revealed to him what Haman was planning... annihilation of her people. The King stormed out and Haman stayed behind with Esther to plead for his life. Harem protocol in those days was that no man should be alone with one of the King's women and even moreso, not within 7 feet! Haman, however, *fell on the couch* where Esther was laying. He really felt he had nothing more to lose! 

So let me pause for a moment. I've set boundaries and they weren't accepted well... at all. Later, after boundaries were kept in place, then I was given apologies. Half-hearted apologies. Not sincere ones. Just shame-inducing excuses to try and get me back into a place where I used to be.. under the influence of mental abuse. I didn't accept these apologies. Although, in my heart I had forgiven these boundary-less and merciless people who wreaked havoc in my life. I had taken them to the cross of Jesus and left them there for Him to heal and help. Because, honestly, I no longer could.

Now, returning to Esther. Beth Moore says, "I don't think she could take the chance that he or the situation would change. Furthermore, does begging for one's life equal repentance? Is anything more natural or instinctive than pleading for your own skin when it's in jeopardy?" I hear that! I recognize that sort of apology! It isn't for the sake of truly seeking repentance... it's purely for the advantage of someone else's reputation.

"So long as an enemy as powerful and shrewd as Haman lived he was a threat to Esther, Mordecai, and the Jewish community. To say here that Esther was merciless and unfeeling is to misinterpret the entire situation. Thus, while her heart might have prompted her to be merciful, logic and prudence restrained her." - Carey, Moore, The Anchor Bible Commentary.

So the truth is, Friends, boundaries are important. For all of us, even Queens of Persia! They aren't sinful or ungodly. They are necessary. Beth Moore states that if someone goes out of their way to harm someone else they're digging a pit. Psalm 7:15-16 "Whoever digs a hole and scoops it out falls into the pit they have made.The trouble they cause recoils on them;  their violence comes down on their own heads." Haman dug his pit. "Knowingly or not, Haman had placed himself in Satan's hands only to be betrayed by him. It happens every time." - Beth Moore. 

My family dug their pit by choosing to ignore me beseeching them for grace and extensions of mercy. For years, I asked them to listen to me instead of ignore me. To talk respectfully to my husband and me instead of calling me names or disparage my man. For years, I begged and cried. I demanded and hoped. I wrote letters and I waited. The pit was dug. As Beth says, "In effect Christ says, 'I'm already great enough for both of us,' relieving the willing of their woeful burden. 'Just follow Me.'" So I chose to lay down the life of mental abuse, and walk away.. as hard as that was.. to the life that Jesus had intended for me. I laid down my life and followed Jesus! 

So, I share this all with you to say that once again the Lord redeemed me this week from the shackles of fear. Fear that I am not a good person. Fear that I am sinful for setting boundaries. Fear that I am "bad". He continues to redeem me and set me free. He continues to rescue me and show me that I am His! 

I can identify with Paul in the Bible who says "But whatever I am now, it is all because God poured out his special favor on me--and not without results. For I have worked harder than any of the other apostles; yet it was not I but God who was working through me by his grace." 1 Corinthians 15:10

Preparation and Praise

I have to tell you.... within my heart... I can feel the Lord moving. I can feel Him calling my name. I can rest beside Him and He beside me and we can just be. I don't know how to put into words this feeling. I feel His presence so strongly right now and although we've been facing trials with my husband's secular job... I can feel His voice quietly within me speaking peace into the ears of my heart.

I feel He is calling me to something. I don't know what it is yet, but I cannot wait to find out either! I felt this way last Summer as the Lord was calling us into ministry and my husband had put resumes into the hands of many committees across the US. I could feel the magnitude of His glory surrounding us, preparing us, speaking mercy over us, and preparing our paths before us. It was a time of anxious anticipation. "Where will you take us, Lord?" "What will it be like, Father?" "Will we move far away?" "How do we tell our children?" For the record, He totally took care of everything... down to the last detail. Even our children were excited to move, which I know was nothing short of the grace of God! I had mentioned possibly moving to them months before (when we first felt the Holy Spirit whispering us in the direction of full-time ministry) and we were met with instant crying & fear from our two eldest children.

So tonight, my heart is just downright giddy. I know He is preparing me for something and I can't wait to find out what it is. He has shown us the way before and I know He will show me the way this time too! Last Summer, He prepared for us this place we are now. A place for full-time ministry that required a move 6 hours from home. It has had a few days of loneliness, but overall it's been an incredible source of blessing & joy to our family!



Everywhere I look I can see His hands at work! I want to share with you just how vast His love is! Our financial situation is t-i-g-h-t. So tight, if we tried to snap the "rubber band" of our budget elasticity it would pop! In the last month, Andy's hours were cut in his secular job. Cut in half! We have made it through, only by the grace of God, and we are praising Him that Andy's hours have gone back up to what we need!

In the meantime, our middle son's birthday is Saturday and he wants a basketball goal. A new goal is $100+ to get one for his age. We don't have $100 to spend on a birthday present. A friend of a friend happens to be selling a goal for $50. I wasn't sure how we were even going to afford $50, truthfully. God knew though! I still owe some money to a lady whose service I used for a homeschool need. I talked with her just last night and she offered to me that she wasn't in desperate need for the money and that if I need to pay part of it now and part of it later that she was willing to do that for us. (I had not mentioned our financial need. I did not ask her for this offering. It was simply emailed to me and an unexpected gift!) I was so thankful for that blessing, because now we could get the basketball goal! Only thing is we don't have a truck. So I spoke with the seller and her husband is willing to deliver it to us as we don't live too far from one another.

I know this seems trivial and minute. However, I beg you to reconsider. It proves to me that we serve an on-time God who cares about ALL of our needs.... and wants! He prepares the way for us... all the way down to a birthday present for our child. I am beyond thankful for this tapestry the Lord wove to work all of this out for us. God is so faithful, my Friends!



Do you have a moment in your life that may seem trivial from the outside, but YOU know that it's nothing short of God's glory being woven for you?

My Honor Depends on God

I am feeling the need to be transparent and share something quite personal about myself. I hate my birthday. I just celebrated it and it summons memories of my childhood that I don't like and it conjures a sense of entitlement within me. Which is purely self-serving and breeds an unsatisfying desire for worthiness.

As the child of a narcissist there weren't many days that I felt okay to be me. Most days I felt unheard, unloved, and unsure of my life. I wasn't allowed to have an opinion. I wasn't given the freedom to choose my likes or dislikes. I was hyper-vigilant to the needs & desires of everyone around me, except myself.

However, on my birthday, my mother would plan a huge party for my sister and me. She rented bowling alleys, movie theaters, and community pools for our parties. We invited lots of friends. We ordered lots of pizza. We had a great time. Birthdays and major holidays were the only days that I felt special and wanted. Even as an adult, my mother made a huge deal of my birthday and I relished every moment of it. However, please understand... the lures of honor that she dangled in front of me cost me my life.

Not my life in the physical sense. But my life in the spiritual & emotional sense. Who I was. What I was about. My premise as a girl, my premise as a woman. The lures of grandiosity, honor, favor, gifts, money, & lavish meals out cost me my person-hood. I bit the lures and held on with great fervor in hopes that she really did love me as a person. However, the truth has been revealed to me as I've escaped the clutches of fictional favor. It is not out of love that these things were given or lured. No, it was out of selfish grandiosity and ego-inflamation. She felt good about herself. I praised her and thanked her for her generosity. Which is everything a good narcissist lives for! However, the day after my birthday and holidays.. the same feelings of inadequacy returned. The yelling returned. The offensive comments returned. The dismissals of who I am & my concerns for these things all returned.

So as an adult, I often desire a huge birthday celebration, and when I don't get one I turn into a 5 year old at a circus being told they cannot ride the elephant. I demand honor and respect for *my* birthday. I want to be put on a pedestal and admired and loved. I expect to be wooed and coddled and celebrated because I am me and this was the day that *I* was born!  Seriously though, is that even reality? No, it's not.

I approached this last birthday with self-made promises that I would not go down that road again this year. It is unrealistic. It is selfish. I am an adult woman and do not need, nor deserve this sort of admiration. My day came and for the most part I did okay. However, evening approached, and my selfish, conceited ways reared their ugly head.... and I threw a huge fit!

The last few days as I've looked back on it. Talked with my husband & Godly mentor about the situation and prayed over my behavior. I must tell you... I don't know how much longer I'll hold onto my past of never feeling adequate. I desire to be free, completely free, from these shackles! I long to not walk memory lane contemplating my childhood. I don't want that to be the definition of me, because it's not. My childhood and my narcissistic mother do not define me. God does!! My mentor said to me, "Would it be better to be unloved 364 days of the year in order to be loved just 1 day? Or would you prefer to be loved 365 days of the year including your birthday too? Because your husband, your children, your friends... they love you 365 days of the year. However, you're holding onto that childhood moment of being loved just 1 day. So which would you prefer?" Friends, that statement jolted me like a lightning bolt!

I am going through Esther right now and thinking how much I was like Haman this week. Esther 6:6 "Now Haman thought to himself, 'Who is there that the king would rather honor than me?' " The truth is.. I was being presumptuous with a sense of entitlement just like Haman was in that moment.

Beth Moore says this, "One of the bad things about an insatiable desire for honor is that sooner or later it's going to make a fool of us, robbing us of the very thing we intended to receive."

How guilty I am of this! It is so humbling to admit to these things. Pride plays into the hands of the enemy. However, the Lord is calling me to tell my story and be transparent. Sisters, this is part of my story.. as much as I hate it. The Lord continues to redeem me and this week, He is freeing me of this.

"If we cannot wait upon the Lord, then we cannot fill our destiny." - Beth Moore

This is the truth: Psalm 62:7 "My salvation and my honor depend on God; 

He is my rock, my refuge."

I don't need 1 day of honor from my mother in order to receive 364 days of mental abuse. All I need is Jesus 365 days and to receive the fullness of love from my God-given family I am so blessed to have.

So I ask you, are you presumptuous of honor? Will you join me in taking it to the Cross? Our salvation and our honor depend on God and He alone is our rock & our refuge! Amen!

Unexpected Miracles

Today we celebrate Josiah's 2nd Birthday!! I cannot believe he's already 2!


I share with so many people about him... he is our miracle boy! I was told it would take many drugs to get my body to a place (with PCOS) to be able to conceive a 3rd child. I had no problem conceiving my first two. However, my body had decided it hated me (lol) and therefore I was dealing with some major hormone issues. Not wanting to play God (this was my decision and I am respectful of anyone who does fertility treatments in order to have children, please don't misunderstand me. It was a personal choice for my husband and me.) I was SHOCKED to find out two months later that we were, indeed, pregnant! Shocked & overjoyed!!

At 8 weeks pregnant I was told that my uterus only measured 6 weeks and there was only the gestational sac. No baby. I was heartbroken. They drew my hcg levels and they were at 60,000. A normal ultrasound shows baby around 7,000 hcg. I was put on Progesterone and told "Call us when you start bleeding. It may happen this weekend. You'll come back in 2 weeks to see if we need to do anything next." I felt numb and for 2 weeks I cried and I prayed. It was a walk that I could only take to God. Andy couldn't help me. My big kids' love couldn't help me. The hardest part was when Lydia asked me after a few days of crying, "Mommy? Is our baby okay?" and I had to tell her I didn't know, but I was able to share with her that God DID know!

Then at 24 weeks pregnant I was having major braxton-hicks just from standing up. Even swimming did it to me. I thought it was due to 3rd pregnancy symptoms and a bit older than when my other 2 were born. Doctor confirmed it was changing my cervix and at week 27 I was put on FULL bedrest.

Friends at our church gathered around us. They helped us financially and they brought us 2 meals a day and cleaned our home once a week. I even had friends who would come and take my big kids out for a little while at a time. That was such a blessing to us! During a time of my life that I felt so utterly unloved  & uncared for by my (biological) family... these people were able to pick me up and love me.  It was a beautiful picture of Jesus to me.



We were told 2 other times that we may lose our baby. He wasn't thriving. I was leaking amniotic fluid. Etc. I dealt with infections, gestational diabetes, and beginning stages of pre-eclampsia. It was a very grueling pregnancy. But he is a true testimony to God's grace and through all of the love & support of our many friends and some of our family we were able to hold him off on being born until 39.5 weeks!

So this morning, I celebrate this beautiful boy that the Lord has graciously given to us for 2 years. However, I also celebrate the faithfulness and love of a mighty God. Jehovah Rapha- God who heals! He healed our son and He also used that time to help heal my very broken heart.

My Doctor told me that this strenuous pregnancy would probably not repeat itself (Especially since my first 2 were so healthy) and so if the Lord ever decides to bless again, then I am thankful to know it will probably not be the same. I feel certain the Lord used that time to show me His love and protection for me and for my family. Sometimes, He works in mysterious ways. <3

Named: Josiah = Jesus Saves    

David = Beloved  1 Samuel 1:27 

"I prayed for the Lord to give me this boy and He has answered my request."

My Testimony

I grew up in a church going home. Not a Christian home. My home wasn’t filled with prayer or God’s promises. It wasn’t filled with kindness or joy. It was filled with rules & regulations and no matter how much I tried to follow the rules… I could never measure up. I was reminded over and over again that I was bad. Not that I was bad and in need of a Savior. No, I was just bad for being me.

So I tried to be good. When good wasn’t good enough, then I tried harder to be good. Until I reached the point of trying to reach perfection. Once you strive for perfection, then there’s no where else to go except down. Perfection is impossible and it’s detrimental to the soul. It robs you of small joys. It removes pieces of you little by little until you feel that only threads are holding you together. No matter how perfect I tried to be… in my home, it still wasn’t perfect enough.

I grew up with a narcissistic mother and a father who only enjoyed playing. He did discipline though.. and often. I have very few good memories of my childhood. We would go on outings pretty often. Truthfully, aside from these day trips and a couple other memories, this sums up the goodness of my childhood. Mostly I felt inadequate as a daughter, unprotected by my bullying sister, and unworthy to have as a friend.

In my early teenage years my parents separated and then divorced. As a 12 year old when my life already felt uncertain, my hormones were wacky, and I didn’t have a sense of who I was yet, then this brokenness to our already broken home was devastating. The sense of perfection heightened in me.

“If only I had behaved better, then maybe my mother wouldn’t have felt the need to yell at me all the time.”

“If only I had listened better to my dad when he shared with me all the financial woes of our household and swore me to secrecy.”

“If only I hadn’t fought with my sister so much, then our home would have been happier.”

So as I tried to find a new normal within myself, then I strived to reach a more perfect, perfect.

With their divorce, I was no longer just the sounding board for my dad. He shared with me all of his troubles (maritally and financially) as if I was his pro-bono counselor. I was now a sounding board for my mother too. My dad left her for another woman. So she was broken and it was my unspoken duty to raise her up, dust her off, and prepare her for her new life. I was very unprepared to do this thing at the ripe age of 13. My sister was labeled as irresponsible, so she couldn’t be trusted to do this. Only I could and I began resenting my mom more and more. She married another man soon thereafter and I warned him about her. “She doesn’t listen well.” “She likes to yell.” I told him. “She is a hard person to live with.” He scoffed at me and told me he would be fine. He then became verbally abusive to me. He would scream at me how bad I was. That I would ruin his daughter. The truth is, I was a good kid even though they didn’t think so. I did talk a lot, but I didn’t do drugs. I wasn’t having sex. I made good grades in school. I went to church. Their words haunted me and confirmed to me how bad I really was. No matter what, I couldn’t be good enough. I had begged my mom not to marry this man. She laughed at me. Every time I told her what I wanted or needed no matter the circumstance, I was labeled as being silly. Untruthful. She often told me I was funny for it.

Later in my life, I began being sassy and hateful in an effort to push her away. I desperately wanted to find a sense of who I was. My life was instead wrapped up with how she saw me and treated me. So she took me to the doctor and medicated me with anti-depressants claiming it was my father who had caused this in me. This is what a narcissistic does. They cannot take responsibility for their own actions. It was at this time that I began praying for the Lord to let me die. I begged for him to let me get into a car wreck during my commute to work & school. I would cry every time a tractor-trailor truck passed me and I was okay. There were lots of these large trucks on the road that led to my home. I felt it was my only way out, because as a perfectionist then there’s no way I could do it to myself. That would make me look imperfect. However, in my mind, then I could pray for the Lord to let it happen to me. Thankfully, He never answered those prayers in the way I hoped.

I went to church Sunday morning and Sunday night and on Wednesday night. If there was any type of program or function, then I would be there. I stopped helping in the nursery (which I enjoyed), so that I could be in the service. There was some truth I was missing and I had to find it! I started going to other churches too and getting involved there also. The truth must be more apparent at these churches, because I wasn’t finding it at my current church. I went through high school feeling desperately alone, misunderstood, and shackled to my perfection. I applied to and got into a Christian college. I thought that maybe there I could find what I was looking for. There, people would be Christians and they would understand me. They wouldn’t treat me badly. They wouldn’t make fun of me or hurt me on purpose.

I met Andy the summer before I left for college. He was kind to me. He didn’t expect me to be perfect. When I would make a mistake and break into tears begging for forgiveness he would calmly tell me how it was just an accident and I was okay. He made me feel important and loved, for the first time ever. He finished his senior year at college while I started my college career. I was definitely in for an awakening while I was there! I realized that I was still bad. Bad at school, bad at friendships, a bad roommate, and a bad communicator. I struggled through my freshman year and left feeling once again very alone and as if no matter how hard I tried, then I couldn’t do well with anything in life.

Andy rescued me that Summer when he married me and took me away from the chaos of my family. The one that I could do nothing right. The family that made me question my reality at every turn, because I couldn’t possibly feel the way I was feeling. The family who made me feel like I did a good job trying to be good, but really wasn’t very good at all. Andy helped to heal my heart. He told me the truths of God and helped me understand God’s grace and the forgiveness of Jesus. He helped me know that it was okay if I wasn’t perfect and that noone could achieve perfection.

We had been together for 6 years and attending a wonderful church that held amazing truths of God’s Word. One Sunday we had an Evangelist preacher come speak. He talked about his salvation and God’s goodness. I realized then that I wasn’t saved. The Lord spoke to Andy and whispered my name to him. He approached me about this and I was very defensive, because I couldn’t believe this was true. I had felt that I was saved as a young girl at bible camp. I don’t think I truly understood what it meant to be saved at this time. Although, undoubtedly, through the hardships of growing up in a broken home with a narcissistic mother and not-so-present father… the Lord had His hand on me! It was shocking to realize my perfection had gotten me nowhere with God. So at 24 years old on February 22, 2009 I asked the Lord to save me from my sins.

At the moment, it was like I held this small box of perfection in my hands. As I prayed to the Lord I could see this little box I held. I handed it over to the Father and released it to Him. No longer could I do this. No longer could I be perfect enough for Him either. It was only by His grace and the sacrifice of Jesus that I could be saved. I finally realized that my perfection could no longer save me.

A couple years later I began to realize I am still bad. Even though I tried desperately to still be good. I knew I couldn’t be perfect and I knew I wasn’t. I was okay with that. However, I was still really bad at being a daughter, a wife and a friend. I felt that I was a pretty good mom, but that was the only area of life that I wasn’t desperately messing up. I sought help through biblical counseling and the Lord granted me with a lady with such wisdom and strength. For years we walked the path of redemption together. She helped me to see that God’s grace is sufficient. I could never be enough for my parents, because they couldn’t see me for who the Creator created me to be. They couldn’t see my gifts or acknowledge that I was a woman after God’s own heart. I did some work on communication in my marriage too. It took many years of healing, but today I stand before you truly redeemed from the brokenness I once felt.

More than once in my life I have been suicidal. For much of my life I felt worthless; Unworthy of friendship or love. That’s not who God says I am though! Through the salvation of Jesus I am clothed in robes of righteousness (Isaiah 61:10), clothed with strength & dignity (Prov. 31:25) and a child of the one true King (Gal. 3:26) and so now I know that I no longer need perfection in my life. All I need is Jesus! As a recovering perfectionist.... How thankful I am for His redemption over me!