To My Challenging Child

I am so blessed to be a mother. It is something I wanted from the time I was a young child and my dream has come true several times over! God has been so good and so gracious to me in motherhood. It is my greatest blessing and my greatest accomplishment!

I don't know about your situation with your children, but one of my children is very challenging. To handle, to discipline, to teach, and admittedly.. sometimes even to like. Dare I say it? Sometimes this child is hard to love. To type those words seriously makes me cringe. To read them may make you cringe. Or maybe you can relate? Maybe you've been feeling exactly the same way, but haven't been able to openly say so?

I would like to share with you what I wish every mother knew about my life with my challenging child. I want to tell you what I *wish* I could say to this child of mine. This child will never truly know how it feels to be the mom... unless this child is blessed with a like-minded child of their own!!

To my challenging child,
There are days. Hard, difficult days. Days that I go to my bathroom, close the door, and cry out to the Lord with tears streaming down my face. Begging for Jehovah Jireh to help me, because I feel like a failure.

There are days. Days that I give myself a pep talk. God gave me you, because He picked me out to be *your* mom! He knew that you would challenge me as a mother and yet He knew that I needed you! He knew that my relationship with you would draw me closer to Him.

There are days. Days that I petition God for buckets full of wisdom. Wisdom to parent you in a way that will be beneficial and helpful for you. While also helping you to understand discipline, sinfulness, and repentance.

There are days. Days that I question God. I question how can I keep going? I question if I can do this for the rest of the day, week, month, year(s)? I question if I handled that situation in a way that was honoring to the Father and to you? I question why God would give me a child that is such a challenge to parent.

There are days. Days that I am embarrassed of your behavior as you have a troublesome moment with another child. When you throw a fit, roll your eyes, stomp your foot, and pull away from me while I attempt to talk you through an arduous occasion. Days that I want to throw my hands in the air and give up. Days that I question over and over again how I could have handled "that" differently.

I have many days that I spend on my knees prayerfully asking the Lord to help me be the mother you need. I do not believe in letting you get away with sinfulness in your heart or mind. I long for you to be the best adult created by God that He has planned for you! So yes, I have days... lots of days... that are oh so hard!

However, I also want you to know this...

I love you fiercely. When you are hard to love, then I pray for God to make me love you even more! Despite the calamity of tough days... I am proud of you! I am proud to call you mine! I am proud that you are such a wonderful sibling and always willing to drop whatever you're doing to be a servant of the Lord and help me, your dad, or someone else who may need you!

Those prayers I pray? Are to help you use your strong-will and strength for the glory of God!

Those tears that fall? Are caught by the hands of our Almighty Father as He wipes away my tears so that I am better equipped to wipe away yours.

That pep talk I give myself? Is because I know that God has amazing plans for you! You, who love to stand strong upon your truth, will stand upon the truth of God as a mighty warrior for God's kingdom one day! Especially as our world continues to destruct.. I know you won't!

The wisdom I beg God for? Is so that I can be knowledgeable in God's word. So that as your parent and as your teacher, then I can help you be intelligent too. So that you will be clothed in the armor of God in your every day walk with Jehovah.

The days that I question God? Are because He longs to grow me closer to Him. Bringing me into a better relationship with Him. So I will draw nearer Him and allow Him to be my peace. Isaiah 30:15 says that when I rest in Him then I will find my salvation and when I am quiet and trust in Him, then He is my confidence. He speaks rest and wisdom over me, so that I can be the mother I need to be for you!

When I am embarrassed, then I know the Lord is further breaking my need to be a people-pleaser. The Holy Spirit continues to humble me when I am fearing man's thoughts of me more than His thoughts of me. He brings me to tears of repentance for my selfishness. The truth is... what is most crucial is shaping your heart to be more like Jesus. God continues to stifle any prideful moments in me that like to rear their ugly head!

So yes, child of mine, as challenging as life can be.. I am glad that I get to be your mom! I am glad to call you my child. I am grateful that when I am difficult to love, then God doesn't give up on me. Rest assured, sweet child of mine, that I will never give up on you either! You are a child of the King and I know the Holy Spirit will mold you, because God has shown me over and over again that He has big plans for you! Your strong-will, your tenaciousness, your driven nature, and your outspoken opinions are sure to be used to the glory of God! It is my hope that as I continue to cultivate my relationship with the Lord that I will grow to be a little more like you!

My Bible & Me

I am not a very sentimental person. I have a few cards that my husband gave me especially when we were dating and first married, but aside from that I am not a card keeper. I like to read them and I may hang on to them for a few days, but eventually they make their way into the trash can. I also don't keep all of my children's artwork. *gasp.* I have a few things from each of them that is special, but normally I will take a picture of it and in the trash it goes. With the exception of pictures, I am sort of obsessed with pictures, I am just not very sentimental... and that's okay!

However, I have to tell you one thing I am very sentimental about. My bible. It has been well used and well loved. We got my bible the same month we were married. So it is 12 years old. I got it in commemoration of my new name as a married woman. I was so excited to have my new married name engraved on the front! It has been underlined, highlighted, noted throughout, and cried on. It has been used well for the last 13 years. I have even put it in my will to my daughter, because that's how much I cherish it. Here shows you just how well it's been used.

I literally have notes from nearly every sermon I've heard over the last 13 years. Most pages are marked up like the ones you see here. The back of my bible is literally falling apart. Pages are slipping out, the binding is broken, and you can see threads where pages were once sewn. So yes, not even duct tape could fix this! 

I planned to get it rebound and resewn. However, the thought of being without it for 6-8 weeks was quite a long time for me. I kept telling my husband I didn't know how I would go without it for that long. I have another bible I like to read from for leisure read and I have a bible app on my phone, but it just wasn't the same. 

When I searched online and priced how much it was going to be to have this done, then I had some definite sticker shock! The cheapest I found was $130. Yikes! With tears in my eyes I told my sweet man that I couldn't spend that much when I knew I could get a new bible for so much less than that. He was kind to me and told me I have the option of always keeping this bible to refer back to my notes and highlights. Which, as silly as it sounds... I hadn't even thought of that as being an option. 

So, I decided I would get a new bible. When I was previously going to have my other bible rebound, then I had decided I would get it rebound in purple leather, because purple is my favorite color. So, on the way to the bookstore I had my mind made up for a purple leather women's study bible in NIV translation. My previous bible was a women's bible and I really liked that! 

We got to the bookstore. I went straight to the bibles and looked for every purple bible I could find. Color is of utmost importance, don't you think? I pulled out 7 bibles and was nearly on the verge of dropping them when I found a table. I called for the Hubs to come over (he is somewhat of a bible scholar) and I said, "I found all these bibles in purple or teal. I'll settle for teal. Now, I did decide to check some other translations though. Which one is best for me?" He laughed at my decision making according to color, immediately picked out 2 (incase you're wondering... one was purple and one was teal) and said, "Go with one of these."  I asked him, " Don't you atleast need to thumb through all of these? Check out all of my options and help me weigh the pros and cons of each?" He said, "Nope. I can tell you right now these two are what you want and what you need. So it's your choice." Okay... hmm... Well, I am not so great at deciding things like this. So I put up the other 5 bibles and gathered up the two he recommended and I sat down and began comparing passages, notes, study references, and the pros and cons of what I liked or didn't like about each bible.

The choices he gave me weren't women's bibles and neither of them were NIV. They were both HCBS study bibles. I am teaching two groups of women now. One in our community and another group of women in our church. The more I dig into God's word, then the more I long for it and the more I read, then the more I savor it. He really suggested a study bible for me. I have been getting more and more into reading commentaries and comparing scriptures and passages, so I knew he was right that I would enjoy a study bible. I decided on the biggest one, but not too big. It needed to fit into my purse! Don't worry, I have a big purse!  I got the purple one too! 

I do have my name engraved, but blurred it out for the picture

I am excited for the new studies this will help me with. I love the colorful maps, the timelines for each book of the bible, the references, the commentary, and the ease of reading that HCBS translation offers me. As I've begun a new chapter of teaching and studying God's word even more diligently over the last year, then I think this is a perfect time to get a new bible. A new season for me. This one is leather too, so it will hopefully hold up better than the bonded leather I had in my previous bible!

My new HCBS Study Bible

Yes, this bible wasn't cheap either, but it wasn't as much as the binding, sewing, and s&h would've been for my previous bible. The best blessing for me was I shared with the lady at the bookstore that I hadn't bought a new bible in 13 years. I told her how my other one was torn and falling apart so I had to buy a new one, but I was sad about that. I told her that even new bibles are more expensive than I expected. She was so kind and gave me 20% off of my new bible. (I love a good deal, and this thrilled me to death!)

Anyways, I just want to share with you my new bible buying experience. My other bible walked with me through lots of hardships and heartaches. Family matters, ended friendships, marital conflicts, and difficult parenting days. I think this bible is my new redemption bible. I look forward to what it will walk with me through. I am hopeful that it will be my bible that walks with me through the new journey of teaching the Lord has me on. Only God knows and wherever He leads, then I am ready to follow... new bible in tow!

Facebook Break Up

The drama envelopes me. The toxicity swarms like a colony of bees. The barrage of opinions are, at times, overwhelming. Facebook. The social networking site that I've had a love-hate relationship with for years now. We finally have broken up. It is actually something I have wanted to do for quite a while.. yes, years! However, for one reason or another I have justified having this "people at my finger tips" mentality. First, it was because I had a business I was working and did quite a bit of business through Facebook. Second, it was because we moved and it was how I kept up with all of my friends from "back home". Now? I am just fed up.

I was noticing more and more how addicted I was to this site of perpetual information. Scrolling from one comment to the next, one blog post to the next, and one bible verse to the next. It kept me engaged as I went from one thing to another. If there was a timer that kept track of my day, then I have no doubt my time spent on this mindless site would total in the hours. In a sense, it was becoming an idol. I could sit and read my bible or a devotional, or I could get on Facebook. I could spend time praying for people at night when I woke up with insomnia, or I could get on Facebook. I could spend time being in the presence of my children (really present), or I could get on Facebook. Can you guess what usually won out? Facebook! This is not to say I wasn't reading God's word throughout my day or praying for people. I was still spending time with my kids & husband too. However, if I had a choice, then I was choosing social media.

Borrowed from www.thenationalpatriot.com

The political rants. The endless business advertisements. The strong opinions. The unnecessary/unkind comments to things I posted and/or friends would post. The continuous questioning of decisions made. I began to notice it was all a major trigger for me. A trigger for stress & chaos. A trigger that caused me to dwell on conversations and posts even when I was not on Facebook. Sometimes these comments/posts were not even my own. However, for me... for my personality... someone who has a strong aversion to conflict, then just reading conflicting messages by others was affecting me.

After much conviction, no doubt from the Holy Spirit, then I realized this is not doing me any good. I deactivated my account. So now, with all my free time then I am going to work on some more home improvement projects, read more, be more... present, and if all else fails I can always find a new hobby. I don't like getting bored and I get bored easily. So yes, Facebook was a great distraction for my boredom. Was it conducive for my spiritual and emotional health? Not at all! I look forward to this newfound freedom and to figure out after 7 years on this mind-sucking, social media site... what my future holds. I know that the Lord is growing me in new ways right now. I look forward to seeing the road He will take me down now that my thoughts are no longer consumed with other things, but more readily focused on Him!