He Hears Me

Yesterday was a hard day. I had a little "coming to Jesus meeting" with me, myself, and the Lord last night. How good He was to calm my spirit and speak peace over me.

Additionally, there are some things that are going on today. And I was dreading it... and having a bad attitude about it too.

The Lord spoke to a sweet new friend this morning to pray for me. Can I just telling y'all how much that means to me?

That's happened only a few times to me in my life. The most memorable time was during a heart wrenching, nearly unbearable time in my life. This time was nothing compared to that! But God... in His infinite mercy still saw my need. Still saw ME! He heard my cries out to Him last night.

Psalm 34:17 "The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears, and rescues them from all their troubles."

So thankful that we can go to Jesus for all things. With raw emotion. With no filters. And He hears us and loves us enough to send His Spirit to comfort us in our times of need.

Haunting Grip of Narcissism

I have spoken on several occasions about being in the grip of a narcissistic mother. The heartache and the realities of her mental abuse. I have been slandered all over my hometown. People whom I once loved now consider me an enemy. People I once admired and looked up to now think of me as evil and wretched. For this recovering perfectionist.. it hurts. It brings me to my knees on many occasions as I plead before the Lord to remove this "thorn" from me. It seems that no matter where I go, what I do, or how much the Lord grows me as a person.. her narcissism continues to haunt me. However, praise God.. she has NO POWER over me!! This is a TRUTH that I continue to remind myself of. The only One who has POWER over me is Jesus Christ! 

Psalm 55:16-18 

“But I call to God and the LORD will save me. I complain and groan morning, noon, and night, and He hears my voice. Though many are against me, He will redeem me.”

So what do you do when you find out that the narcissist in your family has a terminal illness? There was so much back and forth for me on this. My concern is going back into the tangled web she weaves... goodness knows many people stand upon that web she weaves - she is not alone. Once I'm in it's like I'm a fly stuck in a spider's web. There really is no way out. Unless I go back through the process of leaving again and that heart wrenching scenario is not one I desire to revisit. It took everything out of me last time to do that, and to do it again? No, I couldn't do that to myself or my family again. I really prayed and sought the Lord for wisdom and advice. I spoke to a couple of counselors who counseled me, and the conclusion is that I would write her a good-bye letter. So I share this now so that anyone else who struggles with what to do in this situation may you find some solace within my letter. Everyone in these situations has to do what they feel called to do, but for me this was the best option & decision for me. 

To my mother,
    I am writing you to let you know that I am very sad to hear of your cancer diagnosis. I know you may not have long on this earth, so I feel led to send you this letter. However, please know ahead of time that I will not be writing any other letters. This is my one and final letter to you.
   My heart is saddened that our relationship had to end. I truly tried for many years (prior to no contact with you) to continue our relationship. I asked that you would just hear me when I spoke to you… which meant you taking into consideration my wishes, thoughts, and desires. I wanted you to respect my husband and our children and the life we had created together. I even offered for you to read books I was reading to help you better understand where I was coming from with it all. Everything I asked for was met with scoffs, laughing, and mocking statements of how ridiculous or “funny” you thought I was being. I feel no reason to recount the many stories and circumstances as it is all futile.  You have no idea the pain I felt with walking away from our relationship which subsequently led to losing my sister and Dad too. However, it truly came down to me serving you or me serving God. I had made you an idol in my life. Trying so desperately to please you in order to be loved by you. Trying to be perfect enough that you wouldn’t belittle me. And in the end… if it came between saving myself or continuing to try and find your favor… I had to choose me. My entire life I never felt “chosen” by anyone except for Jesus (and my husband.) Finally, I had to choose me in order to save me. In order to be free of the bondage I was in and to become the woman God created to me be.
   I get you probably once again are thinking how ridiculous I am or claiming how untrue my statements are. That’s not new to me…. and so I have to accept that and let it be okay. I prayed for years before walking away, because I didn’t think I was strong enough and I desperately didn’t want to choose that.  I understood the consequences and although they were all so much greater than I could have ever predicted… I knew it was something I had to do. It was after years of me trying everything: pleading, begging, crying, demanding, and then taking breaks from our relationship. Even still I was not ever heard. You continued to treat me the same way and that is what led to my choice for no contact.  Over and over the Lord has affirmed my decision to walk away and no longer serve others at the expense of losing myself. I choose to serve only Jesus and answer only to Him.  I will not apologize for choosing me after 5 years of doing everything possible to have some semblance of a healthy relationship with you. I will not say I’m sorry for walking away.
   I will tell you that despite everything… I love you! Unfortunately, the only way I could truly love you was from afar. Please know that I pray for you every day (even before all of this news.) I will tell you that I am so sad you have to deal with this terminal diagnosis journey. I will tell you that I am so glad you believe in Jesus and will have eternal life with Him. I am thankful that you gave me life. I am thankful that one day we will meet in Heaven and both of us be restored.
   I am saddened you’re going through this, but I want you to know up front that I will not be coming to you. However, I also want you to know that I am praying for you fervently and many times a day. I am praying for the Holy Spirit to comfort you, for Jesus to ease your pain, and for God to cradle you in His arms as He plans your arrival in Heaven. I know you look forward to seeing so many people there and my hope is that the Lord will give you a peace beyond any understanding imaginable.  May He be your source of comfort and strength over this next year.
 Love,
(signed my name)

(Incase you're wondering... I do believe she is saved. She believes in Jesus and believes that He died on the cross for her sins. She believes He rose again on the 3rd day. According to John 3:16 and Acts 16:31 (along with other verses) she is saved. I do believe her relationship with Jesus (her sanctification) is hindered because of the way she chooses to live her life. However, God will judge her for that. It is not my job to judge her. It is my job to take care of me and have the best relationship I can have with Jesus as my Lord & my Savior. As my Adonai.)

She claims I am heartless and evil. She paints me out to be a villain. The saddest part for me is that as a daughter of a narcissistic mother.. nobody can see or understand the pain she has caused our family that resulted in our separation from her. Years of abuse and yet I am still the one who is called unsympathetic and my faith is questioned. Only someone who has walked this road can truly understand the pain involved. But I will tell you this, many daughters of narcissistic mothers fight to live normal lives. They fight to be free of the fear that is cast upon them. They fight to be who God made them to be. I stand here before you now to say: I. AM. FREE! God broke the chains that dug into my body and He took my feet out of sinking sand and set me on solid rock. He set me free! He did that for ME!! It's only, always, ever, because of Jesus!! 

Emboldened Hearts of Unity

This winter has been one of many trials. From words spoken to me that pierced my heart like a dagger - to having the flu and being in bed for 5 days and necessitating 3 weeks to fully recover - to weeks on end of my children (taking turns) becoming sick. This winter has been an arduous one, it's true.

I have battled depression and anxiety this winter. Something I haven't battled for about 8 years now. Yes, I've had moments of depression and anxiety or a sporadic day, but certainly not weeks of it until recently.  Our church has been going through some changes and the place that I've loved most in the world (the church) has been a hard place to be present as of recently. The one place I felt like was my place of shelter since I was a young child, the community where I have felt accepted most when the rest of the world seemed not to accept me, the vicinity where I felt joy when life hasn't been joyful... was church. I felt really let down that this home I belonged to no longer felt homey to me. It felt like a barren land that I was visiting. A place where I would wander and not know what would lie ahead to eat, drink, or rest my head at night. It began to be a place with tepidity. The realization of it being a place I dreaded truly broke my heart. It left me feeling very desolate.... and very depressed.

Photo Credit: bettermarriages.org

The Lord has been speaking to my Pastor Hubs who has been earnestly seeking Him. For hours on end every evening after dinner he reads, prays, seeks, and studies until the early morning hours. He grabs as many hours of sleep as he can before going into work his full-time job that supports our family. Nowadays he has this fire that's reignited in his bones. (Jeremiah 20:9 ...But his message becomes a fire burning in my heart, shut up in my bones. I become tired of holding it in, and I cannot prevail." The fire that had reignited his heart and bones scattered the ashes into beauty... As for the first time in a long season of darkness and weariness, his fiery bones (along with the Holy Spirit) has leapt forth and caught my bones on fire too!!

I am excited again to go to church! There are changes being made in our church and admittedly it's not easy to see and hear so many people unhappy about such changes. In the spirit of being transparent, the people pleaser in me rears its ugly head and I begin to make idols of the responses and words from others' unhappiness instead of realizing that only God's Word matters! 2 Timothy 2:23 "But reject foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they breed quarrels."  And so the Lord is refining me with the fire that which He has shut up and ignited in my bones. He's revealing what He wants for me and for our church through the book of Acts and He's teaching me through my husband who is soberly pursuing God's word and truth.

Have you ever thought about the Day of Pentecost in Acts 2? The start of the very first church. People were gathered together and the Holy Spirit came upon the church at the sound of a mighty, rushing wind. It was so loud and violent from heaven and filled the home where they were staying. It was amazing as all different languages were being spoken and yet everyone knew what everyone else was saying! Everyone was ASTOUNDED! Then Peter stood up and began to preach the Word of God and how to be saved and do you know that 3,000 people came to a saving relationship with Jesus that day? It tells us in v. 42 they DEVOTED themselves to the teaching and fellowship, meals and praying together within the church. What a beautiful picture of what church is supposed to be like!

Now if you move on to chapter 4 Peter and John are imprisoned for their preaching which only caused more people to come to Christ, because now 5,000 people heard the message of Jesus and believed in Him! After a night in prison, they are questioned by the high priest and his family of elders. The high priest & his family didn't like being told that their powers to heal and forgive were being stripped from them. There was a higher Power being declared about in town and His name was Jesus! The One who had died and risen again the 3rd day. The One who had ascended into Heaven and was now sending the Holy Spirit on people to heal the lame. Yet these highly priestly men couldn't deny that something was different about these men. Acts 4:13 says, "They were amazed and recognized that they had been with Jesus." Have you ever seen or known anyone that by the look of them you can tell they know Jesus? Isaiah 60:1 says the glory of the Lord shines upon the face of those who believe in Him. So it makes me think the glory of the Lord was on Peter and John that day! 

After they were released from prison and the grip of the high priest, they shared with their church family what had happened to them. Together they raised their voices (Acts 4:24) and they prayed:

Acts 4:29 And now, Lord, consider their threats, and grant that your servants may speak your word with all boldness, 30 while you stretch out your hand for healing, and signs and wonders are performed through the name of your holy servant Jesus.” 31 When they had prayed, the place where they were assembled was shaken, and they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak the word of God boldly.

32 Now the entire group of those who believed were of one heart and mind, and no one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but instead they held everything in common. 

Because of the works of the Lord and through much prayer this newly began church of about 120 people (Acts 1:15) grew to be over 5,000 people and seemingly in a very short time. It began with prayer as Acts 1:14 reveals. They were continually united in prayer! What a beautiful picture of what church is!!

I pray that the Lord will hear the prayers of our church. The prayers of my family. The prayers of myself as a woman who is desperate to leave this season of despair and begin a season of novelty, growth, joy, and peace. I pray the Lord will do for our church that which He did for the very first church of the age in Acts 2-4. I pray He will do for me what He did for Peter and Paul and the others and grant me boldness to speak about Jesus as the risen Lord! May my depression be lifted and God be glorified. May my children be made well and sickness not return. May my heart be settled and peace fill it. My prayer for our church as I petition the King is that He may be glorified because of our trust in Him, our boldness through Him, and our unity as a result of Him! Amen

Jesus is Our Salve

My Bible Study began a new study for this year. We've been studying 2 Timothy with Beth Moore, Entrusted. Just to set you up.... Paul is speaking to Timothy as he is the pastor of the church of Ephesus and is in need of encouragement and exhortation.

2 Timothy 2:16-18 16But avoid worldly and empty chatter, for it will lead to further ungodliness, 17and their talk will spread like gangrene. Among them are Hymenaeus and Philetus, 18men who have gone astray from the truth saying that the resurrection has already taken place, and they upset the faith of some.

I was curious to find out more about the "spread like gangrene" part of this verse. This is what I found and I pray it makes sense and I pray even moreso that I have understood correctly….

γάγγραινα, γαγγραινης, ἡ (γράω or γραίνω to gnaw, eat), a gangrene, a disease by which any part of the body suffering from inflammation becomes so corrupted that, unless a remedy be seasonably applied, the evil continually spreads, attacks other parts, and at last eats away the bones: 2 Timothy 2:17 (where cf. Ellicott). (Medical writings (cf. Wetstein (1752) at the passage cited); Plutarch, diser. am. et adulat. c. 36.) 

What I also found interesting is that in v. 17 the word “spread” means to actually have an increase of evil, like gangrene.

Interestingly enough the greek root word for gangrene is very similar to the greek root word for gnaw (see above). The definition for gnaw means to eat away little by little. So if I have understood correctly, then I understand this verse to mean irreverent, empty speech that produces godlessness from those who have deviated from the truth (as Paul mentions to Timothy) spreads evil so quickly among us and that the evil will gnaw away at us bit by bit until it eats away at our bones.

Jeremiah 20:9 says, “His message becomes a fire burning in my heart, shut up in my bones.”

Since the fire of the Lord is in our bones, then let's also remember 2 Tim 1:6 which says to “keep ablaze the gift of God that is in you”

So what is the remedy we can seasonably apply to the "gangrene" that threatens us?? The grace of Jesus is our salve. We cannot buy the lies of Satan. The lies that we believe when Satan tells us only half truths of who God is. Heresy about the Word of God such as Hymenaeus & Philetus were spreading. Gossip that sneaks into our minds and ears with the intent of bringing harm to those around us. It is only the grace of Jesus applied to the evil that surrounds us that we can stop the gangrene from spreading.

If we do not hold ourselves accountable to the study the truth, then the irreverent, empty speech that produces ungodlessness in others has the ability to gnaw away at us little by little. The evil will spread until the flame that was in our bones is slowly put out and our faith has dwindled. We must hold onto the beauty of God’s word. Know what it says. Keep it whole. Keep it righteous. Keep it holy and guard it in our hearts.

Thank God He is still faithful even when we are faithless. (2 Timothy 2:13) We must do what we can to fan the flames… the gifts that God has given us… lest we miss out on some abundant blessings from the Father. In the words of a scared parent asking Jesus to heal his son, "Oh God, help my unbelief"! (Mark 9:24) (emphasis added is my own). May we hold onto Jesus through all manner of storms and hold onto His correct teaching that we may not allow gangrene to take hold of us in any way.

Submission

Submission...  just the thought of this word can create an emotion that wells up in women. Causing them to cringe as a wave of nausea washes over them like the waves of an ocean. It doesn't do that to me. I don't mind the word "submit". In fact, in my wedding vows, I vowed to submit to my husband on our wedding day. I was proud to offer that up in my vows and I honestly meant it.

Have I always submitted to my husband? Absolutely not. I wish I could say I kept my vows like a dutiful, Christian wife. Alas, I have failed miserably at that on many of our married days (14 years worth of days.) Although, if I had, then I know my married life would have been easier along the way. He has a great knack for discernment. He does well at distancing himself from situations that are toxic and he does not people please. People pleasing.... ahhh... my nemesis.

In the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve were given their "punishments" by God for trusting Satan (aka the serpent) more than trusting Him... Eve was cursed with the pain of childbirth and the pain of wanting to be in control over her man.  Adam was cursed with working for his family to provide for them (the Bible specifically says working the ground) and also he was cursed with death, because they would no longer have access to the Tree of Life in the Garden. Since they were getting kicked out and all. (It's all right here in the Bible)

Today has been a tough day though. There is things in my life that the Lord wants me to rid myself of. Responsibilities I have taken on (in the name of people pleasing) that I no longer need to be carrying. This year He keeps telling me to simplify. Every time I have the desire to take on more responsibility, then I hear the ever present whisper of the Father in my ear saying, "Simplify".  Let's face it... when you know the Lord is speaking to you then we should listen, right? And I hear Him! I do!! But then I feel like Zechariah when the angel appears to him in the tabernacle and tells him his wife (very old wife) will bear him a son he will name John and Zechariah is like, "What are you talking about? How can this happen! I don't understand the details of this at all." (The actual words are here) And that's me. Just like that. "Okay, God. I know you're on to something and I believe you and all, but I'm not sure how this is going to work. I'm just not sure."  And then, doesn't that make me a whole lot like Eve? Trusting myself. Trusting the lies of satan. Trusting everyone... everything... except God?

Oh how people pleasing will get me every time!! Because the truth is... I don't really want to hurt anyone's feelings. However, no boundaries and pleasing others always comes with a big fat price tag. Who suffers the most? My family. The ones I love most. Just like Adam and Eve. Adam wasn't being head over his wife. Eve wasn't submitting to Adam. The price was being kicked out of the Garden and who suffered? Their children for all generations (and themselves too.) The sin of people pleasing? Always has a price.

I've talked to the Hubs about releasing these responsibilities I have taken on that don't "belong" to me. He keeps saying, "Deborah. I'm going to take care of this. You don't have to worry about it. Your focus should not be on these things. Please just focus on our family. Focus on our children. Homeschooling. Your Bible Study. Focus on these things you've been called to. Stop focusing on everything that isn't yours." And I know he is right. I believe him. God put him head over me for a reason. For me to submit to his authority. For me not to be in control or to manage how he handles situations. For me to trust that what he says is true. And I know it is, because what he says is in keeping with God's Word.

God has placed him over me to guide me, help me, and protect me. Even though Adam failed to protect Eve from the serpent in the Garden. He left her to deal with a big issue that she shouldn't have had to face alone. God had put Adam over her to protect her. Even though he failed that one time... as we all do from time to time.. he would now spend a lifetime working to protect her. And she would spend a lifetime learning how to let him.

So my prayer tonight is that I will not have to learn this the hard way. May the Lord help me learn to  humbly submit to my husband, which also is submission to the Father. May the Lord grant my husband wisdom to deal with some big situations (that don't involve me), and may I realize that I don't have to be involved. May God be glorified and Heaven help me not take a lifetime to learn how to submit to my man and the Lord.



**Let me add that submission is not an excuse for abuse. Submission is not to take away my opinions or rights as a woman or in our marriage. Submission is for my husband to lead our family in the direction the Lord leads us and for me to follow. Submission is for me to have opinions, but him having the final say. No I don't always like it. That's the curse, remember?! God knows we don't always want to follow... and no we don't always like it. However, it's trusting that he is in tune with what God has willed for our family. Trusting that the Hubs is submitting to God and all I need to do is step back so he and God can work it out.**