Fearful Existence

Being the daughter of a narcissistic mother and a self-absorbed father caused me to question many things in my childhood. I tiptoed along the edges of my life fearful of what would lay around the corner. I didn't feel safe. Not emotionally. Which transferred into not feeling safe physically. I was never sure if my mom would be happy with me or if she would explode her frustrations before me. If she was in a good mood, then all seemed right in the world. More often than not, she was in a depressed mood. Which translated, "leave me alone." If things were not done the way she wanted them accomplished, then there was a huge price to pay. She would explode and when she did it was a tsunami of emotions that threatened to drown me. It felt lonely and uncertainty loomed above me. I was never sure why she was so angry. I couldn't understand how trying my "best" was never good enough. I didn't like being blamed for situations out of my control. However, all these things were embedded deep into my memory bank to remind me of how stupid, how wrong, and how bad I was.

As a young child, I didn't understand these emotions. Now that I do, I can tell you that most children with narcissistic parents wrestle with fear. My fear translated itself into safety within my home. What if we were broken into? What if someone tried to kill me in my sleep? I could crawl out my window, but there are woods behind me and I might get lost. Every night, I tried to figure out what I'd do if & when this happened. My emotional fear had transferred itself and threatened my physical safety. Which, oddly enough, only created more fear & emotional turmoil inside of me.

Today, I still wrestle with fear. Fearful of being broken into. Fearful that I may appear stupid when talking with others.... that I might say the wrong thing. Fearful that I am not liked. Fearful that others will think poorly of me. I'll admit to you though, the times that my fear runs the most rampant in my mind, is when I am not taking care of myself emotionally. I have to be diligent to stay in God's word. I have to keep my boundaries strong for what I want & desire for my life and not allow others to determine those boundaries for me. I have to reach out and ask for help when my fear is threatening to overtake me. When we bring our fear out of the darkness & into the light of God, then satan can no longer use those fears to haunt us.

For years, I have chosen to unshackle my prisons of fear. It is something I take to the cross every day, because I serve a big God!! 

Sometimes we are afraid, sometimes this “spirit of fear” overcomes us, and to overcome it we need to trust in and love God completely. “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love” (1 John 4:18). No one is perfect, and God knows this. That is why He has liberally sprinkled encouragement against fear throughout the Bible. Beginning in the book of Genesis and continuing throughout the book of Revelation, God reminds us to “Fear not.”

Friends, I love the different names of God! The one I am continuing to learn about Him right now is His name, El Elroi. Which means, God Who Sees! I love that He sees my affliction and knows my heart. I love that He knows when nobody else knows. I love that He knows when I don't know. I love that He is the all-knowing, ever seeing, and always loving God! He has me in His hands and it's with His power that I continue to turn my fear over to Him and allow Him to make me perfect in His love. He can do the same for you, Friend! 

Jesus can cast fear out of your life. Jesus can cast drug addition out of your life. Jesus can heal you from your sexual sin. Jesus can bring you to Himself and save you out of the darkness you're in! How do I know this? Because Jesus continues to redeem me from the mentally abusive childhood I endured and it is Jesus who has healed my brokenness and made me new! He knows, Friend... He knows!!! Will you let Jesus know you today?

Psalm 84:11-12 "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you."

Preparation and Praise

I have to tell you.... within my heart... I can feel the Lord moving. I can feel Him calling my name. I can rest beside Him and He beside me and we can just be. I don't know how to put into words this feeling. I feel His presence so strongly right now and although we've been facing trials with my husband's secular job... I can feel His voice quietly within me speaking peace into the ears of my heart.

I feel He is calling me to something. I don't know what it is yet, but I cannot wait to find out either! I felt this way last Summer as the Lord was calling us into ministry and my husband had put resumes into the hands of many committees across the US. I could feel the magnitude of His glory surrounding us, preparing us, speaking mercy over us, and preparing our paths before us. It was a time of anxious anticipation. "Where will you take us, Lord?" "What will it be like, Father?" "Will we move far away?" "How do we tell our children?" For the record, He totally took care of everything... down to the last detail. Even our children were excited to move, which I know was nothing short of the grace of God! I had mentioned possibly moving to them months before (when we first felt the Holy Spirit whispering us in the direction of full-time ministry) and we were met with instant crying & fear from our two eldest children.

So tonight, my heart is just downright giddy. I know He is preparing me for something and I can't wait to find out what it is. He has shown us the way before and I know He will show me the way this time too! Last Summer, He prepared for us this place we are now. A place for full-time ministry that required a move 6 hours from home. It has had a few days of loneliness, but overall it's been an incredible source of blessing & joy to our family!



Everywhere I look I can see His hands at work! I want to share with you just how vast His love is! Our financial situation is t-i-g-h-t. So tight, if we tried to snap the "rubber band" of our budget elasticity it would pop! In the last month, Andy's hours were cut in his secular job. Cut in half! We have made it through, only by the grace of God, and we are praising Him that Andy's hours have gone back up to what we need!

In the meantime, our middle son's birthday is Saturday and he wants a basketball goal. A new goal is $100+ to get one for his age. We don't have $100 to spend on a birthday present. A friend of a friend happens to be selling a goal for $50. I wasn't sure how we were even going to afford $50, truthfully. God knew though! I still owe some money to a lady whose service I used for a homeschool need. I talked with her just last night and she offered to me that she wasn't in desperate need for the money and that if I need to pay part of it now and part of it later that she was willing to do that for us. (I had not mentioned our financial need. I did not ask her for this offering. It was simply emailed to me and an unexpected gift!) I was so thankful for that blessing, because now we could get the basketball goal! Only thing is we don't have a truck. So I spoke with the seller and her husband is willing to deliver it to us as we don't live too far from one another.

I know this seems trivial and minute. However, I beg you to reconsider. It proves to me that we serve an on-time God who cares about ALL of our needs.... and wants! He prepares the way for us... all the way down to a birthday present for our child. I am beyond thankful for this tapestry the Lord wove to work all of this out for us. God is so faithful, my Friends!



Do you have a moment in your life that may seem trivial from the outside, but YOU know that it's nothing short of God's glory being woven for you?

My Honor Depends on God

I am feeling the need to be transparent and share something quite personal about myself. I hate my birthday. I just celebrated it and it summons memories of my childhood that I don't like and it conjures a sense of entitlement within me. Which is purely self-serving and breeds an unsatisfying desire for worthiness.

As the child of a narcissist there weren't many days that I felt okay to be me. Most days I felt unheard, unloved, and unsure of my life. I wasn't allowed to have an opinion. I wasn't given the freedom to choose my likes or dislikes. I was hyper-vigilant to the needs & desires of everyone around me, except myself.

However, on my birthday, my mother would plan a huge party for my sister and me. She rented bowling alleys, movie theaters, and community pools for our parties. We invited lots of friends. We ordered lots of pizza. We had a great time. Birthdays and major holidays were the only days that I felt special and wanted. Even as an adult, my mother made a huge deal of my birthday and I relished every moment of it. However, please understand... the lures of honor that she dangled in front of me cost me my life.

Not my life in the physical sense. But my life in the spiritual & emotional sense. Who I was. What I was about. My premise as a girl, my premise as a woman. The lures of grandiosity, honor, favor, gifts, money, & lavish meals out cost me my person-hood. I bit the lures and held on with great fervor in hopes that she really did love me as a person. However, the truth has been revealed to me as I've escaped the clutches of fictional favor. It is not out of love that these things were given or lured. No, it was out of selfish grandiosity and ego-inflamation. She felt good about herself. I praised her and thanked her for her generosity. Which is everything a good narcissist lives for! However, the day after my birthday and holidays.. the same feelings of inadequacy returned. The yelling returned. The offensive comments returned. The dismissals of who I am & my concerns for these things all returned.

So as an adult, I often desire a huge birthday celebration, and when I don't get one I turn into a 5 year old at a circus being told they cannot ride the elephant. I demand honor and respect for *my* birthday. I want to be put on a pedestal and admired and loved. I expect to be wooed and coddled and celebrated because I am me and this was the day that *I* was born!  Seriously though, is that even reality? No, it's not.

I approached this last birthday with self-made promises that I would not go down that road again this year. It is unrealistic. It is selfish. I am an adult woman and do not need, nor deserve this sort of admiration. My day came and for the most part I did okay. However, evening approached, and my selfish, conceited ways reared their ugly head.... and I threw a huge fit!

The last few days as I've looked back on it. Talked with my husband & Godly mentor about the situation and prayed over my behavior. I must tell you... I don't know how much longer I'll hold onto my past of never feeling adequate. I desire to be free, completely free, from these shackles! I long to not walk memory lane contemplating my childhood. I don't want that to be the definition of me, because it's not. My childhood and my narcissistic mother do not define me. God does!! My mentor said to me, "Would it be better to be unloved 364 days of the year in order to be loved just 1 day? Or would you prefer to be loved 365 days of the year including your birthday too? Because your husband, your children, your friends... they love you 365 days of the year. However, you're holding onto that childhood moment of being loved just 1 day. So which would you prefer?" Friends, that statement jolted me like a lightning bolt!

I am going through Esther right now and thinking how much I was like Haman this week. Esther 6:6 "Now Haman thought to himself, 'Who is there that the king would rather honor than me?' " The truth is.. I was being presumptuous with a sense of entitlement just like Haman was in that moment.

Beth Moore says this, "One of the bad things about an insatiable desire for honor is that sooner or later it's going to make a fool of us, robbing us of the very thing we intended to receive."

How guilty I am of this! It is so humbling to admit to these things. Pride plays into the hands of the enemy. However, the Lord is calling me to tell my story and be transparent. Sisters, this is part of my story.. as much as I hate it. The Lord continues to redeem me and this week, He is freeing me of this.

"If we cannot wait upon the Lord, then we cannot fill our destiny." - Beth Moore

This is the truth: Psalm 62:7 "My salvation and my honor depend on God; 

He is my rock, my refuge."

I don't need 1 day of honor from my mother in order to receive 364 days of mental abuse. All I need is Jesus 365 days and to receive the fullness of love from my God-given family I am so blessed to have.

So I ask you, are you presumptuous of honor? Will you join me in taking it to the Cross? Our salvation and our honor depend on God and He alone is our rock & our refuge! Amen!

Choosing Redeemed

As I am studying the book of Esther in the Bible alongside Beth Moore's wonderful study, Esther: It's Tough Being a Woman then the Lord is convicting me of much. In her DVD's she spoke last week about being transparent. Beth said, "One of the most important parts of fulfilling our destiny is transparency."

 Then, we studied chapter 4 this week in the book of Esther. How Esther had to choose would she be her Jew given name, Hadassah or would she choose to be her Persian given name, Esther? Hadassah the Jew was as much apart of the Jewish annihilation that was scheduled to take place in just 11 short months. Hadassah the Jew wasn't exempt from losing her life or her family [Mordecai]. However, Esther the Persian was wife to the King. No one in the royal household knew that she was Jewish. Esther the Persian hadn't been summoned by the King in 30 days. Esther the Persian would have to risk her life if she went before the King without being asked to come there first.

So who would she choose to be? Hadassah the Jew or Esther the Perisan? She came to the realization that either way she was destined to perish, but there was one exception. Going to the King may mean he would reach out his sceptor and if he did that then her life would be spared.

"Esther would identify herself with her covenant people even if it killed her. If it didn't, life as she'd known it was dead anyway. There was no way back. She must step into the unknown known and into the hiddenness completely unhidden." - Beth Moore

So as I've pondered on the teachings of Beth Moore and what the Lord has for me in this little book of Esther I feel more and more as if the Lord is telling me to tell my story. It scares me. I don't know what it will look and feel like to tell my story. I don't know if it will be accepted by others or if I will be judged by others. It scares me to think that it may not be accepted. Much like, I'm sure, Esther was fearful of not being accepted by King Xerxes.


So now it's my turn to decide. Will I be the broken damaged Deborah that I once was or will I be the redeemed Deborah who now knows she is a child of the One, True King?
"As much as my flesh wanted relief, I knew that when all was said and done, I'd sit on that side of glory having much rather fulfilled my calling than served myself all the way to meaninglessness. I had to accept that I was not called to an easy life. I was called to a purposeful life." - Beth Moore

So here I am at this crossroads and I choose to let the Lord use me. Despite my fears. Despite the unknown. Despite the possible judgement. I am His and who knows? Maybe I was created for such a time as this? {paraphrased from Esther 4:14}