Fearful Existence

Being the daughter of a narcissistic mother and a self-absorbed father caused me to question many things in my childhood. I tiptoed along the edges of my life fearful of what would lay around the corner. I didn't feel safe. Not emotionally. Which transferred into not feeling safe physically. I was never sure if my mom would be happy with me or if she would explode her frustrations before me. If she was in a good mood, then all seemed right in the world. More often than not, she was in a depressed mood. Which translated, "leave me alone." If things were not done the way she wanted them accomplished, then there was a huge price to pay. She would explode and when she did it was a tsunami of emotions that threatened to drown me. It felt lonely and uncertainty loomed above me. I was never sure why she was so angry. I couldn't understand how trying my "best" was never good enough. I didn't like being blamed for situations out of my control. However, all these things were embedded deep into my memory bank to remind me of how stupid, how wrong, and how bad I was.

As a young child, I didn't understand these emotions. Now that I do, I can tell you that most children with narcissistic parents wrestle with fear. My fear translated itself into safety within my home. What if we were broken into? What if someone tried to kill me in my sleep? I could crawl out my window, but there are woods behind me and I might get lost. Every night, I tried to figure out what I'd do if & when this happened. My emotional fear had transferred itself and threatened my physical safety. Which, oddly enough, only created more fear & emotional turmoil inside of me.

Today, I still wrestle with fear. Fearful of being broken into. Fearful that I may appear stupid when talking with others.... that I might say the wrong thing. Fearful that I am not liked. Fearful that others will think poorly of me. I'll admit to you though, the times that my fear runs the most rampant in my mind, is when I am not taking care of myself emotionally. I have to be diligent to stay in God's word. I have to keep my boundaries strong for what I want & desire for my life and not allow others to determine those boundaries for me. I have to reach out and ask for help when my fear is threatening to overtake me. When we bring our fear out of the darkness & into the light of God, then satan can no longer use those fears to haunt us.

For years, I have chosen to unshackle my prisons of fear. It is something I take to the cross every day, because I serve a big God!! 

Sometimes we are afraid, sometimes this “spirit of fear” overcomes us, and to overcome it we need to trust in and love God completely. “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love” (1 John 4:18). No one is perfect, and God knows this. That is why He has liberally sprinkled encouragement against fear throughout the Bible. Beginning in the book of Genesis and continuing throughout the book of Revelation, God reminds us to “Fear not.”

Friends, I love the different names of God! The one I am continuing to learn about Him right now is His name, El Elroi. Which means, God Who Sees! I love that He sees my affliction and knows my heart. I love that He knows when nobody else knows. I love that He knows when I don't know. I love that He is the all-knowing, ever seeing, and always loving God! He has me in His hands and it's with His power that I continue to turn my fear over to Him and allow Him to make me perfect in His love. He can do the same for you, Friend! 

Jesus can cast fear out of your life. Jesus can cast drug addition out of your life. Jesus can heal you from your sexual sin. Jesus can bring you to Himself and save you out of the darkness you're in! How do I know this? Because Jesus continues to redeem me from the mentally abusive childhood I endured and it is Jesus who has healed my brokenness and made me new! He knows, Friend... He knows!!! Will you let Jesus know you today?

Psalm 84:11-12 "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you."

Preparation and Praise

I have to tell you.... within my heart... I can feel the Lord moving. I can feel Him calling my name. I can rest beside Him and He beside me and we can just be. I don't know how to put into words this feeling. I feel His presence so strongly right now and although we've been facing trials with my husband's secular job... I can feel His voice quietly within me speaking peace into the ears of my heart.

I feel He is calling me to something. I don't know what it is yet, but I cannot wait to find out either! I felt this way last Summer as the Lord was calling us into ministry and my husband had put resumes into the hands of many committees across the US. I could feel the magnitude of His glory surrounding us, preparing us, speaking mercy over us, and preparing our paths before us. It was a time of anxious anticipation. "Where will you take us, Lord?" "What will it be like, Father?" "Will we move far away?" "How do we tell our children?" For the record, He totally took care of everything... down to the last detail. Even our children were excited to move, which I know was nothing short of the grace of God! I had mentioned possibly moving to them months before (when we first felt the Holy Spirit whispering us in the direction of full-time ministry) and we were met with instant crying & fear from our two eldest children.

So tonight, my heart is just downright giddy. I know He is preparing me for something and I can't wait to find out what it is. He has shown us the way before and I know He will show me the way this time too! Last Summer, He prepared for us this place we are now. A place for full-time ministry that required a move 6 hours from home. It has had a few days of loneliness, but overall it's been an incredible source of blessing & joy to our family!



Everywhere I look I can see His hands at work! I want to share with you just how vast His love is! Our financial situation is t-i-g-h-t. So tight, if we tried to snap the "rubber band" of our budget elasticity it would pop! In the last month, Andy's hours were cut in his secular job. Cut in half! We have made it through, only by the grace of God, and we are praising Him that Andy's hours have gone back up to what we need!

In the meantime, our middle son's birthday is Saturday and he wants a basketball goal. A new goal is $100+ to get one for his age. We don't have $100 to spend on a birthday present. A friend of a friend happens to be selling a goal for $50. I wasn't sure how we were even going to afford $50, truthfully. God knew though! I still owe some money to a lady whose service I used for a homeschool need. I talked with her just last night and she offered to me that she wasn't in desperate need for the money and that if I need to pay part of it now and part of it later that she was willing to do that for us. (I had not mentioned our financial need. I did not ask her for this offering. It was simply emailed to me and an unexpected gift!) I was so thankful for that blessing, because now we could get the basketball goal! Only thing is we don't have a truck. So I spoke with the seller and her husband is willing to deliver it to us as we don't live too far from one another.

I know this seems trivial and minute. However, I beg you to reconsider. It proves to me that we serve an on-time God who cares about ALL of our needs.... and wants! He prepares the way for us... all the way down to a birthday present for our child. I am beyond thankful for this tapestry the Lord wove to work all of this out for us. God is so faithful, my Friends!



Do you have a moment in your life that may seem trivial from the outside, but YOU know that it's nothing short of God's glory being woven for you?

My Honor Depends on God

I am feeling the need to be transparent and share something quite personal about myself. I hate my birthday. I just celebrated it and it summons memories of my childhood that I don't like and it conjures a sense of entitlement within me. Which is purely self-serving and breeds an unsatisfying desire for worthiness.

As the child of a narcissist there weren't many days that I felt okay to be me. Most days I felt unheard, unloved, and unsure of my life. I wasn't allowed to have an opinion. I wasn't given the freedom to choose my likes or dislikes. I was hyper-vigilant to the needs & desires of everyone around me, except myself.

However, on my birthday, my mother would plan a huge party for my sister and me. She rented bowling alleys, movie theaters, and community pools for our parties. We invited lots of friends. We ordered lots of pizza. We had a great time. Birthdays and major holidays were the only days that I felt special and wanted. Even as an adult, my mother made a huge deal of my birthday and I relished every moment of it. However, please understand... the lures of honor that she dangled in front of me cost me my life.

Not my life in the physical sense. But my life in the spiritual & emotional sense. Who I was. What I was about. My premise as a girl, my premise as a woman. The lures of grandiosity, honor, favor, gifts, money, & lavish meals out cost me my person-hood. I bit the lures and held on with great fervor in hopes that she really did love me as a person. However, the truth has been revealed to me as I've escaped the clutches of fictional favor. It is not out of love that these things were given or lured. No, it was out of selfish grandiosity and ego-inflamation. She felt good about herself. I praised her and thanked her for her generosity. Which is everything a good narcissist lives for! However, the day after my birthday and holidays.. the same feelings of inadequacy returned. The yelling returned. The offensive comments returned. The dismissals of who I am & my concerns for these things all returned.

So as an adult, I often desire a huge birthday celebration, and when I don't get one I turn into a 5 year old at a circus being told they cannot ride the elephant. I demand honor and respect for *my* birthday. I want to be put on a pedestal and admired and loved. I expect to be wooed and coddled and celebrated because I am me and this was the day that *I* was born!  Seriously though, is that even reality? No, it's not.

I approached this last birthday with self-made promises that I would not go down that road again this year. It is unrealistic. It is selfish. I am an adult woman and do not need, nor deserve this sort of admiration. My day came and for the most part I did okay. However, evening approached, and my selfish, conceited ways reared their ugly head.... and I threw a huge fit!

The last few days as I've looked back on it. Talked with my husband & Godly mentor about the situation and prayed over my behavior. I must tell you... I don't know how much longer I'll hold onto my past of never feeling adequate. I desire to be free, completely free, from these shackles! I long to not walk memory lane contemplating my childhood. I don't want that to be the definition of me, because it's not. My childhood and my narcissistic mother do not define me. God does!! My mentor said to me, "Would it be better to be unloved 364 days of the year in order to be loved just 1 day? Or would you prefer to be loved 365 days of the year including your birthday too? Because your husband, your children, your friends... they love you 365 days of the year. However, you're holding onto that childhood moment of being loved just 1 day. So which would you prefer?" Friends, that statement jolted me like a lightning bolt!

I am going through Esther right now and thinking how much I was like Haman this week. Esther 6:6 "Now Haman thought to himself, 'Who is there that the king would rather honor than me?' " The truth is.. I was being presumptuous with a sense of entitlement just like Haman was in that moment.

Beth Moore says this, "One of the bad things about an insatiable desire for honor is that sooner or later it's going to make a fool of us, robbing us of the very thing we intended to receive."

How guilty I am of this! It is so humbling to admit to these things. Pride plays into the hands of the enemy. However, the Lord is calling me to tell my story and be transparent. Sisters, this is part of my story.. as much as I hate it. The Lord continues to redeem me and this week, He is freeing me of this.

"If we cannot wait upon the Lord, then we cannot fill our destiny." - Beth Moore

This is the truth: Psalm 62:7 "My salvation and my honor depend on God; 

He is my rock, my refuge."

I don't need 1 day of honor from my mother in order to receive 364 days of mental abuse. All I need is Jesus 365 days and to receive the fullness of love from my God-given family I am so blessed to have.

So I ask you, are you presumptuous of honor? Will you join me in taking it to the Cross? Our salvation and our honor depend on God and He alone is our rock & our refuge! Amen!

Choosing Redeemed

As I am studying the book of Esther in the Bible alongside Beth Moore's wonderful study, Esther: It's Tough Being a Woman then the Lord is convicting me of much. In her DVD's she spoke last week about being transparent. Beth said, "One of the most important parts of fulfilling our destiny is transparency."

 Then, we studied chapter 4 this week in the book of Esther. How Esther had to choose would she be her Jew given name, Hadassah or would she choose to be her Persian given name, Esther? Hadassah the Jew was as much apart of the Jewish annihilation that was scheduled to take place in just 11 short months. Hadassah the Jew wasn't exempt from losing her life or her family [Mordecai]. However, Esther the Persian was wife to the King. No one in the royal household knew that she was Jewish. Esther the Persian hadn't been summoned by the King in 30 days. Esther the Persian would have to risk her life if she went before the King without being asked to come there first.

So who would she choose to be? Hadassah the Jew or Esther the Perisan? She came to the realization that either way she was destined to perish, but there was one exception. Going to the King may mean he would reach out his sceptor and if he did that then her life would be spared.

"Esther would identify herself with her covenant people even if it killed her. If it didn't, life as she'd known it was dead anyway. There was no way back. She must step into the unknown known and into the hiddenness completely unhidden." - Beth Moore

So as I've pondered on the teachings of Beth Moore and what the Lord has for me in this little book of Esther I feel more and more as if the Lord is telling me to tell my story. It scares me. I don't know what it will look and feel like to tell my story. I don't know if it will be accepted by others or if I will be judged by others. It scares me to think that it may not be accepted. Much like, I'm sure, Esther was fearful of not being accepted by King Xerxes.


So now it's my turn to decide. Will I be the broken damaged Deborah that I once was or will I be the redeemed Deborah who now knows she is a child of the One, True King?
"As much as my flesh wanted relief, I knew that when all was said and done, I'd sit on that side of glory having much rather fulfilled my calling than served myself all the way to meaninglessness. I had to accept that I was not called to an easy life. I was called to a purposeful life." - Beth Moore

So here I am at this crossroads and I choose to let the Lord use me. Despite my fears. Despite the unknown. Despite the possible judgement. I am His and who knows? Maybe I was created for such a time as this? {paraphrased from Esther 4:14}

Attacks From The Enemy

Attacks from Satan can come in many packages. For the last 3 weeks I've been attacked in a major way. I'm a person who likes to be busy and I like structure. When that gets interrupted, then I start feeling unsure of myself. I waiver in my responses. I start down a spiral of self-condemnation and it's a battle that often leads me into sadness.

I have suffered 2 medical issues within the last 3 weeks. For me, who is never sick, then this was a major blow for me. One of them will require a minor, outpatient surgery in the coming weeks. Something I do not look forward to in the least.

Our youngest son had eye surgery in a location 3 hours from home which required multiple trips for pre-op, op, & post-op visits.

My husband's job felt uncertain, although it wasn't... it felt that way. Plus, it's easy to make things bigger in your mind then they really are.  That's exactly what satan wants, in fact.

I got some things in the mail from my family, whom I had to separate myself from due to extreme narcissism & abuse, and that mail wasn't welcome. It was shocking, in fact. It rocked me to my core. The mental & emotional abuse I've sustained throughout my life is a testimony to the redemption I now have in Jesus. I am grateful He rescued me from the abuse. When an "abuser" sends you things you aren't expecting, then it can easily strike fear within your heart.

Plus some other everyday issues that just added to the mix.

Then, a few days ago as I was trying to pull myself out of the sadness I was drowning in... I was *determined* to have a good day. I woke up and told our kids that we could go to the community pool. We got ready and headed there. It was 10 am and we realized once we got there that they don't open til 11. So we headed down the road to the park for an hour. Our middle son, 6 years old, was stung by a wasp while playing. We ended up still going to swim and thankfully they had a first aid kit and helped with the sting.

After we got home, then I realized I'd lost my driver's license along the way. I took it with me in our swimming bag so I wouldn't have to take my entire wallet. Alas, it was lost and nowhere to be found.

Next, before dinner while our daughter took a shower we realize there was a major leak from the bathtub and water was pouring into our 1/2 bath downstairs.

When it rains, it pours, doesn't it? Literally.... pours! Surprisingly, I was able to keep smiling and knowing that God is in control despite the irritations of the day!

When we feel uncertain and rocked to our core that's when we can trust in Jesus to be our certainty and be the rock that we need to hold us up!

Joshua 1:9

"This is my command- be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." 

I love that this isn't a suggestion. It's a command! When we feel the lowest and feel as if we are in the pits of despair, then we can trust in the Lord, our God! He is with us!! With us wherever we go! Whether it's to the pool, the park, or at home! At church, at workplaces, at family gatherings, etc. We can trust and we can know, without a shadow of a doubt, that He is with us and we do not have to be discouraged.

It's during these times that I can look back and see the heartache & hardship, but know that God hasn't left me. Truthfully, friends, it's during these times that God is about to do something great that satan wants to squelch, so he will do whatever he can to get my focus off of God. I look forward to what the Lord has in store for me and I trust that He alone is my salvation and because of Him I am not afraid and I am not discouraged.

"Sometimes providence can be defined as times when God trumps your perfectly good plan with one of His own... then seems to disappear from it. Take heart, Beloved! He's right there and He's there right." -Beth Moore: Esther

What about you? Have you ever been attacked by satan in such a way that rocked you to your core only to see the Hand of God prevail?

Unlikely Calling

Growing up in a narcissistic world my mom taught me that beauty was skin deep. It wasn't our hearts that the Lord looked at. I strived to attain the perfection she sought. She wanted my hair fixed and my best outfit on. If my skirt was knee-length (as a teenager) then I was told I should wear it shorter. "Men prefer short skirts." I was told. I had long hair and would often wear it in a pony tail. "Men prefer your hair down. You should fix it because it's so beautiful down." People in public were ridiculed behind the closed doors of our vehicle & home. "She should not be wearing that." "That outfit does nothing for her body." "Did you see her stomach showing?" "She looks really fat in that outfit." The comments were constantly spoken into my ears.

I now know that my mother's narcissistic attempts to find anything wrong with other women of this world really just was an attempt to make herself feel better. To make herself think she's worthy. The narcissistic world is truly an insecure place to live in and be apart of. I am ever so grateful that the Lord pulled me out of the toxicity of never-met-perfection. So, if I can be real with you: I struggle with beauty. I like getting dressed up and putting on big earrings and wearing makeup. I prefer the way it looks on me and in turn it makes me confident in myself. Sometimes, however, I struggle with wanting to dress down. Not do my hair or makeup and wear sweats out of the house. It's not something I can bring myself to do... yet. I worry about the "mother's" out there who will criticize me behind closed doors. I am LEARNING that beauty isn't just skin deep. It's my heart that reflects the glory of the Lord upon my face that truly matters. It truly matters to the King!! I am a work in progress. One day, with His help, I will break the shackles of distorted beauty in my mind. I will be free to dress down and wear the beauty of the Lord upon my face while doing it. The glory of the Lord upon my face... *that* is beauty, my Friends!

Isaiah 60:1

So as I am studying Esther through Beth Moore I am learning a great deal from this book that's so full of God's glory without His name ever being mentioned. Esther was lovely, unlikely, and an orphan. God used her and I feel certain the Lord can use me. I am still waiting on Him to reveal to me how or why. I am just thankful He is calling me to some form of ministry and allowing me to be His vessel.  Some key things Beth Moore said while in the 2nd week of this study that I truly love:

God chose Esther in spite of what happened to her, not because of it.

You cannot amputate your history from your destiny.

Your past and your future share the same root. That root is Jesus! (Amen!)

God is attracted to weakness. It's in our weakness that He can make us strong!

The things that "are not" is what God uses to nullify the "not" (Are not lovely enough. Are not a good speaker. Are not trained enough. I mean, the list could be endless...)

So in a time of my life that I'm wishing the past would vanish and disappear from me. A time in my life that I am only able to find thanksgiving (Eucharisteo as Ann Voskamp speaks of) only in the Lord, because I struggle to find thanksgiving in every day life right now. A time in my life that I'm wishing I could wipe away all things hurtful. I am realizing that it's only through Him that I am made strong. "I cannot amputate my history from my destiny." The Lord has used that history to shape me and change me and make me, ME! It's only in Jesus that I can find redemption. It's only in Jesus that I continue to receive healing!

So the Lord used an unlikely, orphaned girl who was lovely to look at and with a lovely heart to save her people. I open myself up to the gifts the Lord has to offer me. I lay down at His feet and ask Him what He will have for me and to prepare me for what lies ahead. Knowing that if I will only be weak enough to ask, then He will make me strong enough to go forward into the unknown gifts He has planned for me.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NLT)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

1 Corinthians 1:26-31 (NLT)
26 Remember, dear brothers and sisters, that few of you were wise in the world’s eyes or powerful or wealthy[a] when God called you. 27 Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. 28 God chose things despised by the world,[b] things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important. 29 As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God.

30 God has united you with Christ Jesus. For our benefit God made him to be wisdom itself. Christ made us right with God; he made us pure and holy, and he freed us from sin. 31 Therefore, as the Scriptures say, “If you want to boast, boast only about the Lord.”[c]

Is there anything in your life that you feel the Lord is calling you to?

Unexpected Miracles

Today we celebrate Josiah's 2nd Birthday!! I cannot believe he's already 2!


I share with so many people about him... he is our miracle boy! I was told it would take many drugs to get my body to a place (with PCOS) to be able to conceive a 3rd child. I had no problem conceiving my first two. However, my body had decided it hated me (lol) and therefore I was dealing with some major hormone issues. Not wanting to play God (this was my decision and I am respectful of anyone who does fertility treatments in order to have children, please don't misunderstand me. It was a personal choice for my husband and me.) I was SHOCKED to find out two months later that we were, indeed, pregnant! Shocked & overjoyed!!

At 8 weeks pregnant I was told that my uterus only measured 6 weeks and there was only the gestational sac. No baby. I was heartbroken. They drew my hcg levels and they were at 60,000. A normal ultrasound shows baby around 7,000 hcg. I was put on Progesterone and told "Call us when you start bleeding. It may happen this weekend. You'll come back in 2 weeks to see if we need to do anything next." I felt numb and for 2 weeks I cried and I prayed. It was a walk that I could only take to God. Andy couldn't help me. My big kids' love couldn't help me. The hardest part was when Lydia asked me after a few days of crying, "Mommy? Is our baby okay?" and I had to tell her I didn't know, but I was able to share with her that God DID know!

Then at 24 weeks pregnant I was having major braxton-hicks just from standing up. Even swimming did it to me. I thought it was due to 3rd pregnancy symptoms and a bit older than when my other 2 were born. Doctor confirmed it was changing my cervix and at week 27 I was put on FULL bedrest.

Friends at our church gathered around us. They helped us financially and they brought us 2 meals a day and cleaned our home once a week. I even had friends who would come and take my big kids out for a little while at a time. That was such a blessing to us! During a time of my life that I felt so utterly unloved  & uncared for by my (biological) family... these people were able to pick me up and love me.  It was a beautiful picture of Jesus to me.



We were told 2 other times that we may lose our baby. He wasn't thriving. I was leaking amniotic fluid. Etc. I dealt with infections, gestational diabetes, and beginning stages of pre-eclampsia. It was a very grueling pregnancy. But he is a true testimony to God's grace and through all of the love & support of our many friends and some of our family we were able to hold him off on being born until 39.5 weeks!

So this morning, I celebrate this beautiful boy that the Lord has graciously given to us for 2 years. However, I also celebrate the faithfulness and love of a mighty God. Jehovah Rapha- God who heals! He healed our son and He also used that time to help heal my very broken heart.

My Doctor told me that this strenuous pregnancy would probably not repeat itself (Especially since my first 2 were so healthy) and so if the Lord ever decides to bless again, then I am thankful to know it will probably not be the same. I feel certain the Lord used that time to show me His love and protection for me and for my family. Sometimes, He works in mysterious ways. <3

Named: Josiah = Jesus Saves    

David = Beloved  1 Samuel 1:27 

"I prayed for the Lord to give me this boy and He has answered my request."