Discerning Toxic People

I lead a bible study in the community once a week. We are wrapping up the study Breaking Free by Beth Moore. This study has been great even though I did most of this work with my counselor throughout our many years together. It's been a great reminder to me and it's also been a sweet time of watching the women around me to grow in their walks with the Lord and finding new truths of what the Bible says about breaking free of strongholds & bondage.

Something I have really prayed for this year is for the Lord to give me more discernment. I fall into friendships very easily and often realize (too late) how toxic those friendships are. I am too trusting of other people. I let people walk all over me and take advantage of me. That's who I am, but it's not who I want to be. The Bible speaks often about having strong boundaries, being strong women, and those who are easily deceived being led astray. Paul speaks of this quite a bit! So, this year it's been my prayer to ask the Lord to put in me a strong will of discernment. He is faithful & I know He will do it!

So at our last Bible Study, Beth Moore spoke on 2 Timothy 3:1-5 and how people are sinful. People are the mark of the times much moreso than natural disasters! One thing she specifically spoke on was toxic people. 2 Timothy 3:5 says "Have nothing to do with these people." So whereas some people think it's sinful to walk away from relationships that are toxic, hurtful, and even sinful... Paul is regarding it as healthy to walk away. We cannot serve toxic people who bring strife into our lives while also serving the One, True God! It's impossible.

Along with what I am learning, I also want to share with you some major points that Beth spoke about that really, really spoke to me... because truthfully... it was profound to me!! Please understand Beth's words here... She clarifies in a major way on her video.. This *does NOT* apply to your spouse or your children. Every other relationship is what this would apply to.

*There are some people we need to have nothing to do with. They may be fine without us and we may be fine without them, but together... it is TOXIC!

*In a relationship: if you find yourself suddenly feeling weak/fragile. All other times of your life you feel strong and capable, but when you're with a certain person you are consistently questioning yourself and feeling vulerable. Run, Sister, that relationship is TOXIC!

*Beware of people who make you feel like you cannot do anything alone. That you're incapable to be alone and/or you *need* them in order to survive or accomplish task(s). That person is TOXIC!

* When you get a feeling in the pit of your gut that something feels off in a relationship, then that's a warning sign. Take that warning and run. The Lord is giving you discernment!

Have extreme caution towards incongruity: people with a form of godliness but denying it's power (2 Tim. 3:5) "Form" is the recognizable Greek word morphosis. Morphosis (to morph into something else). 2 Corinthians 11:14 "And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light." Godly people can do ungodly things! Don't. Ever. Forget. That!

Have extreme caution towards instant intimacy: "The kind who worm their way into homes." 2 Timothy 3:6 "They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over weak-willed women". Weak-willed women in the Greek suggests "little women" but it's more precisely women are easily deceived and/or prone to temptation. Their weakness is primarily moral, not intellectual. Smart women who do dumb things. Little women give themselves over to damaged emotions.

I praise God I have been redeemed and no longer give myself over to damaged emotions. I used to be a perpetual "damsel in distress" and praise Him I am no longer in that mode anymore. However, I do not in any way want to be considered a little woman. We can be powerless OR we can be powerful, strong-willed, & empowered women who wreak havoc on satan's plans! I choose the latter!

Have extreme caution towards increasing control: the kind of person who gains control over time. Through jealousy. Through claiming to want to help you. Someone can easily say they want to help and then worm themselves into your life so deeply that you feel trapped, but yet you fell for it because they claim, "I just want to help you." In actuality, they have no basis for helping you at all. They have a basis for wanting to control you and the relationship you're in.

If you get these warning signals... then stand up against evil. Stand up for yourself. Be strong. Be courageous. This may be a stronghold in your life as I'm realizing it has been one of mine. I will overcome it. I have (through the power of Jesus) the power to demolish strongholds!! As do you sweet Sister!

2 Corinthians 10:3-5 "For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

Growth in Marriage

I was 17 when I met my husband, Andy. It was at a time in my life that I wrestled with who I was. I didn't feel beautiful. I didn't feel worthy of love. I didn't feel like anyone even liked me. Then, this man came into my life and treasured me.. truly treasured me. He showed me the absolute love of Jesus and there were many times I was very undeserving it too. As soon as we met, then we truly knew that the Lord had brought us together for marriage.

The Lord spoke to me as a young girl and told me that I would be married young. He shared with me that my husband would have brown hair and blue eyes and that he would be in ministry. I knew early in my life that I would be a "Pastor's Wife" and I looked forward to those duties. So I never dated any boys who didn't have brown hair and blue eyes and they had to truly love Jesus. I only dated one boy who didn't have the call of ministry (in some capacity) on his heart. It's funny as I think about that now. I reflect on those things now and am glad I had those priorities in my life. I wasn't the type of girl who desired to date around anyways, but I think being picky in this way definitely kept me from straying to the wrong type of boy throughout my school years.

So I met Andy who had brown hair, blue eyes, and was finishing his degree in biblical studies in order to fulfill a call of ministry in his life. I knew the Lord brought us together to be eachother's help mates. So, we married 10 short months after we met.

I have told people often that Andy rescued me. No doubt it was God's way of lifting me up out of the miry clay I was drowning in. My family life felt devastating. Life with my mother felt unwelcome. We fought often when I was home from college. She told me how I should & should not feel about everything. If I disagreed with her then I was told how wrong, ridiculous, or silly I was being. Or the biggest crusher? How un-christian I was. I was told often how I should be on anti-depressants so I would be more pleasant to be around. The truth is, I was fighting for me. For who I was and wanted to be. My Father had disowned me at this time. Threatening to take me out of his will as one of his children. I felt very abandoned by him. However, the Lord had brought Andy to me during these tumultuous days.... It was obvious, in my mind, God sent Him to rescue me.

Our first months together (I must add we didn't really know eachother, ha!) were wonderful. Filled with figuring eachother out & learning who each of us was together. However, the next few months were harder. I wanted Andy to identify who I was and love me too. I wanted Andy to fulfill the brokenness I felt within my soul. I expected him to never make me angry or hurt me as I had felt so damaged by anger & hurtfulness in the years prior to meeting him. Andy was patient with me and full of grace for my shortcomings, but after a point he began to resent my difficult personality.

God was so gracious to orchestrate many things in my life that ultimately led to redemption for me and our marriage. He put a friend in my path who bravely and lovingly pointed out to me what a terrible wife I was being. Yes, that sounds harsh, and yes it wasn't easy to hear! Was it the truth? Sadly, it absolutely was! God began convicting me of my ungrateful & unthankful heart. I was a complainer. I had difficulty finding good in anything. I sought out the negative and never looked for blessings. So, I began practicing only thankfulness. If I felt negative towards something, then I began to hold it in and just tell God about it and never voiced it to Andy (or others).

Several years passed. Through many convictions & prayers our marriage was better. I was still having many dark days though and I sought out Christian counsel for myself. My counselor helped me to further investigate who I am in Christ! My husband couldn't identify me or fulfill me. Only the cross of Jesus Christ was equipped to handle those uncertainties in my life. So I began running to Jesus and asking Him to reveal to me who I was. So He did! As I ran to Jesus to discover who I was in Him, then Andy and I began growing closer. Our marriage began to strengthen and we began to do marriage, parenthood, and life together instead of Andy having to usher me & hold me up through our married life.

Our marriage of 12 years is truly one of redemption and I am so thankful that Andy didn't give up on me. I am grateful that I didn't give up on me. I am overwhelmed that God didn't give up on me. Ladies, let me encourage you that no man can heal your brokenness or repair the damage you have felt in your life. Only Christ can do this for you! I have been one blessed lady to have a man like Andy who didn't leave me destitute in my brokenness. He saw me through it all and waited on the Lord to work in my life. However, I am sure that he would tell you it wasn't easy and I have no doubt that he felt like giving up on me often. Praise God he didn't!! I can assure you the redemption of our marriage has been sweet. We are truly so blessed to have eachother. Although, we walked through many difficult years we still have some hard days every now & then. However, we stay committed & loyal to eachother. We love doing life together and are truly more in love today than we were in the beginning when we were so young & in love.

12 years of marriage together

Seek the Lord, sweet Sisters, to repair the heartaches in your life. He loves you and desires for you to have full & complete freedom! While I'm not opposed to medications when they are needed.. I also know the power of counseling and how working through the sins in your life (both sins you've committed and sins done to you) can redeem you from depression. Isaiah 49:16 "See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;    your walls are ever before me." The Lord holds you in His hands and He longs to redeem you, heal you... FREE you! 

Micah 7:18 "Who is a God like you,    who pardons sin and forgives the transgression    of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever  but delight to show mercy."

Run to the Father, sweet sister! Find your joy & completeness in Him and Him alone!! "He would have to be less God to love us less... It's impossible. He is the initiator of our love! The source is Him. If we love Him it's because He loved us first" (Beth Moore) 1 John 5:14-15 " This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him."

Are You On Guard?

As I got out of bed in the middle of the night a few nights ago, then our dog got up with me. She walked around our bedroom and then went and laid back down in her bed. It dawned on me, every time I get up in the middle of the night whether to go to the bathroom, to calm a crying child, or whatever the case may be.. then our sweet Cassie gets up with me. She's even been known to alert me when a child wakes up crying and I haven't woken up enough to hear them yet. She is always on guard.


Then I thought, no wonder she (or really any other "guard" dog) sleeps all day. She never fully sleeps through the night, because she is always on guard. Next, a couple other thoughts came to my mind. Yes, it was still the middle of the night, ha!


1. How often do we feel that we have to be on guard? How often do we feel that we have to get up and fix things, check on things, and be in control of all situations? Do we trust the Father? Do we trust that God has our best interest at heart and we can rest in Him knowing that He has got everything planned out for us? He has control over what will happen in our lives. He will go before us... provide for us and prepare the way for us. So, do we trust Him? Or are you constantly getting up and trying to figure out what's happening next? Do you walk around aimlessly seeking out what your next move shall be? Do you do this to the point that you're consistently left defeated and exhausted from all that this world offers?



2. My next thought was the flip side of this. Satan roams around this earth looking for whom he can devour next. Are we on guard? We fight against the principalities of this world and there is so much darkness surrounding us. If we don't keep ourselves on guard against the enemy, then he can so easily steal our joy. We can so easily buy into the lies that he offers: you aren't good enough, you aren't pretty enough, you aren't worth enough. That is not who God says we, as believers, are though! The Bible tells us to be on guard against evil. So be your own guard dog and guard your thoughts and your heart against the wickedness of this world and don't believe the father of lies when he speaks fiction over you.


So what category do you fall under? I think we need to have a balance in our lives. It's not easy and I've been guilty of falling into both of these traps. Let's see what God's word says about this.


Exodus 23:20 See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared.

Matthew 11:10 I will send my messenger ahead of you, who will prepare your way before you.

Genesis 50:21 So then, don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children. And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them.

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Psalm 22:8 "He trusts in the Lord,” they say, “let the Lord rescue him. Let him deliver him, since he delights in him

Likewise..

1 Corinthians 16:13 Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong.

Ephesians 6:11-12 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

John 8:44 He [satan] was a murderer from the beginning, and has nothing to do with the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.


What does the Bible say about who I am?

John 15:15 I no longer call you slaves, because the slave does not understand what his master is doing. But I have called you friends, because I have revealed to you everything I heard from my Father

Romans 3:24 But they are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus

Proverbs 31:25 You are clothed with strength and dignity.

Isaiah 61:10 I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.


Ephesians 1:7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace


So let's gather together and trust that the Lord, the Ancient of Days, will not forsake us and He is our deliverer and we can trust that He will work all things out for us, but let us also be on guard against the evil of this world while also not believing that which satan means for our harm.

Isaiah 46:9-10 Remember the former things of old; for I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me, declaring the end from the beginning and from ancient times things not yet done, saying, ‘My counsel shall stand, and I will accomplish all my purpose."

Redemptive Christmas

When I began my journey to wholeness many years ago I had no idea the path I would walk. I felt alone and unworthy as a person. Suicidal thoughts plagued my teenage years and often crossed my mind in my adult years. Even after I became a mother. I used to think how much easier it would be if I would just die and go to Heaven. I wondered often if anyone would even miss me. These thoughts became more prevalent in my life and it was after an ended friendship and those dark thoughts were engulfing me that I finally sought help.

It was through biblical counseling that I expected to work on my friendships & marriage, because I couldn't keep friends and my marriage felt lonely in those days. However, small truths of my childhood began creeping out. Truths like.. I didn't play much as a child. I had to be a confidant to my dad and I lived in fear of the money troubles we faced as a family. I worked diligently to keep my mother happy even though I failed often. I felt I had to take care of my sister even though she hated me and faulted me for it. It became very clear as these truths seeped out that I was in the role of parenting... and parents don't play. 

So for a couple of years I worked with my counselor diligently nurturing this little girl inside me who never got to play. So I played alot with my children. We did fun things and had fun outings. I allowed myself to cry when I needed to cry. I sought refuge from the Lord when I felt lonely or afraid. I took care of her... this little girl hiding inside me... this little girl who never got to be a little girl. I took care of me. Slowly, I began realizing I am no longer this little girl anymore. This "little girl" who felt so inadequate and incapable of doing anything began feeling empowered bit by bit. 

It was this Christmas that I realized just how much this little girl has grown. For the first time in my life I realized I have become a woman. I once had great expectations during the Christmas season. Expectations for grand presents in many numbers. Expectations that it should be about me. I have no idea why I had this expectation... other than it was that little girl who used to be within me longing for honor and love through the magic of Christmas. 

This year, however, my presents were few and my heart was full. The presents I received were wonderful and I am so very grateful for them! However, what brought me the most joy this Christmas? Not the presents. 

• It was doing Acts of Kindness with my children throughout the Christmas season.
• It was doing daily advents together as we counted down the days to celebrate Christmas.
• We made birthday cupcakes for Jesus
• We had an amazing Christmas Eve Service at our church. They hadn't had a CES in 8 years. We brought to them the idea of a candlelight service and expected only a handful of people. We were surprised and giddy with joy when we had 25 people come! That was a beautiful sight and music to our ears as we sang hymns of praise to the newborn King!
• We enjoyed a relaxing pajama day for Christmas day without any fear of retribution for doing what we wanted & needed for our family time. (We used to be chastised for asking for what we wanted within our extended family unit and made to feel bad for asking that Christmas Day be only our little family.)

When Christmas is over I have been known to cry in the past. Cry that the "magic" is over. I would lament over putting away the decorations so much so that my husband would always put away the beautiful lights and tree.  However, that wasn't the case this year! Everything was over and I was finished. We waited a few days and then put away all of our decorations & magical pieces together as a family. 

The list could go on for days... but I cherished each moment of my womanhood this Christmas season. I realized this year just how much the Lord has grown me, changed me, renewed me, & strengthened me. How grateful I am for this new redemption!! How great is our God!! 

I pray that you will let Jesus grow you into the woman He has for you to be! He is such a God of redemption and He longs to redeem you from the hardships you face and the insurmountable trials you may be facing.

Sometimes Hardships Happen

Today was a hard day. My husband did his first funeral as a pastor today. It was a hard funeral to do. The husband of one of our church members committed suicide this week & there was much dissension between this man's family and his wife. The tension of the atmosphere in funeral home was thick in the air. As I sat there in the funeral home, holding a child on each side of me, and listening to my husband I was praying for him fervently. For God to anoint him. For the Lord to give him words. For the Lord to comfort all the people there who were hurting, but mostly for my husband because the situation wasn't easy. It was after several minutes I realized I wasn't even breathing... I had been holding my breath! Bitterness surrounded us in a mighty way. So much so, the funeral home separated the families to opposite sides of the room. It felt like a Hatfield vs McCoys feud. So as you can read, there were many factors affecting this funeral... and even some other factors too personal to this family that I won't even mention. 

In the middle of his sermon he presented the gospel of Jesus as the only hope in light of the uncertainty they were all feeling, and several people got up and walked out. We didn't have the chance to know her husband well as he had only come to our church just a few times, but he was a nice man. We also weren't sure if he was a believer in Jesus as his Savior.. and his wife also wasn't certain. Although we don't have hope to know for certain if he is now in Heaven.. we can still have hope in the One who reigns in Heaven! (Let me stop and say that although suicide is a sin and selfish.. I also want to be sure to say that it doesn't cause us to lose our salvation. If someone is saved and in such a desperate state that they commit suicide, then they are still in Heaven with the Father. We cannot ever lose ourr salvation. Our salvation is for eternity. The only way to miss Heaven is if you do not believe that Jesus Christ is the Savior of your sins.) All of that being said, this was my husband's first funeral as a new pastor and it was difficult to prepare for & speak life into. Speaking the truth in love is never easy, but he did it & I'm so proud of him! 

Our big kids came with us and sat at the funeral home quietly and still for 2 hours. It was a huge expectation for them, but they did it and I am proud of them too! As a ministry family, then it is most important to me that they understand the true meaning of serving Jesus. Sometimes, this means doing hard things, difficult things, boring things... sometimes it means doing acts of service for others that require our time and/or our money. I prepped them, "I need you to have the most self control you've ever had in your entire life. This will be very hard and it won't be fun. Please know within yourself that it's going to be very boring. But today is not about us. Today is about our friend and we get to serve her today by being here for her today. By serving her, then we get to serve Jesus. *That* is why we're here on Earth... to serve Jesus." They both replied okay and they were so well behaved and made this Momma so very proud. Sometimes, life just isn't about us, is it? It's a hard lesson, but one I want my children to learn early.

Days like today make me somber even though I'm proud. To know that we are never promised tomorrow and bad things happen and we don't always have the answers. But God knows! He holds us in His loving arms. It makes me thankful that I know my Savior. It makes me grateful for this family I've been given, and to show them my love even more. It makes me proud to see our small church come together and bless a family in need. Today, even though my thoughts & heart feel reflective.. I am proud and grateful for the goodness of God that surrounds me. I hope that you can also start your 2016 out thinking about what God means to you, what He has done in your life, and what journey awaits you this year.

Despite hardships and heartaches.. He is still God and He sits on the Throne.. and what a privilege it is to honor & worship Him! If you don't know this Savior I speak of, then let me invite you to consider a personal relationship with Him. Jesus is the only hope we have in this very broken, fallen world! He is the Author of all creation... including you! He is the only One who can satisfy the brokenness we feel when things happen that we truly don't understand. 

Romans 10:9 

"If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved."

Admit to Jesus that you're a sinner

Believe that Jesus Christ is Lord and died on the cross for your sins and was raised again from the dead 3 days later

Confess your faith in Jesus Christ and you are saved!

Saved from your sins. Saved from eternal separation from God when you die. Saved from hopelessness and despair. 

Share your decision with someone... a Christian friend, a pastor, a mentor. Asked to be baptized as this is the first public confession of your faith. Don't be ashamed or embarrassed... this is a time to rejoice!

Numbers 6:25

"May the LORD make his face shine on you and be gracious to you"