Devine Acts of Kindness

It's Christmas-time! It truly is my family's favorite time of year!! We begin decorating after Halloween, so that we can enjoy the lights & colors of the season for as long as possible! My husband and I love buying gifts for our children that we know they will love & have wanted. However, we don't do an extravagant Christmas and we certainly don't focus on gifts.

Our focus on Christmas is all about Jesus! Jesus gave the ultimate gift when He left a face-to-face communion with the Father to be born a lowly baby here on this earth. Not because He wanted to or chose to, but out of obedience to God and out of ultimate, sacrificing love for us! I am *so* thankful for His ultimate gift for us.

So, at Christmas we like our Children to focus on acts of kindness! We want to bless others by using our gifts/talents!!

Many people do this in the month of December and it can get expensive. Buying & donating gifts to shelters, safe homes, and other places that minister to people around the world. There is a real need for these places and donating gifts/money is definitely helpful! However, what do you do when you don't have the extra money to donate hundreds of dollars? You get creative with your blessings!

We packed shoeboxes for Operation Christmas Child to give gifts to other children around the world. This one can be as pricey as you want. Our church partners together and our small congregation packed almost 100 boxes together! This was truly a blessing!!

Our children are old enough that they love to make cards! So we sent cards to hospitalized children. Children who are hospitalized for extended stays! You can do this too!!

Just mail your card(s) to:

Cards for Hospitalized Kids

7290 W Devon Ave

Chicago, IL 60631

The great thing about this Act of Kindness is that they love receiving cards year around, so this is something we can do atleast once a month!

We rung the bell at Big Lots for the Salvation Army! It's been a warm December, but it wasn't this day. It was 27 degrees outside and the wind was blowing! Our children were such troopers and we were so proud of their willing hearts!

We wrote a Thank You note for our mailman and bought some cookies at the store for just a couple of dollars. We put it in our mailbox with a water bottle and put the flag up for him to get one evening!  We also intend to do this for our garbage men! Let's face it... delivering mail & picking up garbage are pretty thankless jobs... so we were extra excited to bless these professions!

**We were going to go even cheaper and do homemade cookies, but my concern was that with all the cruelties in this world people have to be so careful. Especially government funded employees. I was concerned that if we made them homemade cookies they may have been warned not to eat them. I don't know?! But I wanted to be safer than sorry, so we got the store-bought kind.** 

We had a gift card that we didn't use all of, so we handed the remaining balance of the card over to the person behind us and she was *thrilled*!

We make sure to be kind to everyone we meet and say thank you for all their hard work. Retail & service employees have the hardest jobs dealing with the public, and I can tell you from personal experience that a kind customer makes for a better day.

We have other things in mind for this Christmas season... goodies to make and hand out to Sunday School teachers & our neighbors. Popcorn to be taped onto a Redbox machine, and more blessings to be shared. 

I just want to share a few of our experiences to help others' understand that an Act of Kindness doesn't *have* to be every day and it doesn't have to cost $30/day. It can be simple and heartfelt... and it can mean just as much to the receiver. 

How will you choose to be a blessing today?

From our family to yours... Merry Christmas!!

Like a New Kitchen

We have lived here in this house since April (2015) and I have loved everything about this house except the kitchen. I am someone who cooks often and loves to create recipes with our children. So, a small kitchen wasn't really what I wanted as we hunted for houses. In the end, I decided that the rest of the house, the price, etc was worth the small kitchen. What made it even smaller, however, was the dark, dark cabinets. I'm talking probably original to the house when it was built in the early 1970's. 

Ever since I moved in then I've had the inclination to paint them. I did lots of research over several months. Reading blogs, looking on Pinterest, talking to home improvement stores, etc. I waivered often about doing it. In the end, I had a hard time getting up the gumption to do it. I decided about a month ago that I would start this project and work on it a little at a time. It didn't have to get finished in 10 days and I was okay with that. I figured it would be a fun project to work on throughout the winter months. 

The truth is, once I got started then I just wanted to finish!! Honestly, at times I looked at my supportive husband and said, "I feel like this is a nightmare that won't end." The truth is... once you start, then you can't go back! I have pictures to show you the process. However, the redemption that came from this project was exhilarating. If this had been 6-8+ years ago, then no way would I have even attempted to attack this project!! No way would I even *think* about it. At that time in my life, I felt like I couldn't do anything right and I wasn't good enough at anything to be able to give due justice to such a large project.

I used to be faint of heart and a perpetual damsel in distress. I felt like I needed to be rescued at all times. I felt worthless and "good for nothing". However, since the Lord has changed my heart and shown me that I am His and I am a capable woman, then I love trying new things and doing new projects. 

I know it seems trivial, but this is truly a reflection of my redemption. This was a huge accomplishment for me and made me feel like the sky is the limit. I can do *anything* because God has equipped me to do great things.... both in this world and for His kingdom! Glory, Glory.... He is so good to me!

Okay, so for the big reveal!! Here are some before pictures.

This is the listing picture for our kitchen

This looks into our dining area. Due to the small size,
then we had cabinets added to the dining room wall

All doors have been removed and then
I needed to remove all things from the cabinets

Next, emptied cabinet boxes had to be sanded
I used an electric palm sander with 180 sandpaper
This was a *messy* job!

I set up an assembly line in my garage, so I could even work on rainy days
and at night. The cabinets and drawers were sanded, primed, and painted out here

 

Priming commences ~~ Excuse the mess. Isn't that what garages are for though?

Priming all cabinets

 And for those who say, this isn't a big job.... you can do it in a week!! Please know... it's a *BIG* job!!! Much bigger than I expected! Let me also make clear to you that for the first time living here in this home I was so happy to say, I love our small kitchen!! lol! 

The process was as follows. Clean all cabinets, drawers, and doors with cleaner, then sand the death out of each piece with 180 sandpaper. Next, you'd wipe or vacuum up all dust (there's alot!) Now clean all pieces with rubbing alcohol (water will only mess up the grain in your wood). Then you prime. Sand with 300 sandpaper. Prime again. Sand again. Paint. Sand. Paint again. I did the back of the cabinets first and then flipped over to do the front of the cabinets last. 

I began with Valspar Cabinet Enamel and that stuff is horrid!! DON'T BUY IT!!! It's expensive too. I called Valspar and they were *no* help. So I called Lowe's and they were so kind and replaced the can for me with a different can of paint. So I went with HGTV Sherwin Williams Showcase Paint. Medium Gloss Linen color.

I am loving the new cabinets though! I also replaced all of the hardware, hinges & cabinet pulls. It looks great!!

They look white, but in actuality have a hint of yellow/cream in them. 

 Project 2 will be replacing the backsplash! I will be learning to do that this weekend when a new friend helps me do it! I am most excited about that, because I got 3 boxes of glass tile on clearance for only $35!! 

I'll update when I have that finished!! 

I'm telling you, this was a hard project, but I am thankful I did it and can say that I truly did it! I am empowered and learning how much I love home improvement projects! I can't wait to learn more! God really is a redeeming God to take this shy, unworthy girl and has created in me a woman who loves to learn new things and feels as if I can tackle the world! 

Project 3 will be new countertops (that will be after we get our tax return)

Project 4 (probably 2-3 years from now) will be stainless steel appliances

Killer words

"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer." Psalm 19:14

This is one of my favorite verses. One I pray often with our children as much as for myself. 

Many years ago, the words of my mouth used to be everything except pleasing to the Lord. Sarcasm dripped from my mouth like bitter molasses. Strong, slow, and purposeful. I was full of contention and complaint. You know the verse in the Bible that to live on the corner of a roof is better than to live inside a home with a contentious woman? That was me... I was that woman. It's shocking that my marriage survived the many years that antagonism plagued me. Complaint was readily upon my lips. 

Sarcasm is easily spoken to someone [you love] and then tauntingly pulled back by saying, "I was only joking!" As in.. it's your problem for taking offense to that, because it was just a joke! All the while... there's always truth in that sarcastic joke. I used to be so very sarcastic in cutting down my husband's personhood. Who he was and what he was about. Emasculating him in a major way and making him feel like he wasn't good enough. What husband wants to be with a wife like that? What husband could look forward to providing for and coming home to a woman like that?

It's not easy for me to admit these things openly. However, I share them with great confidence in the redeeming power of our God, because I am not that woman anymore! 

I loved finding fault in others and while much of this is something I was taught to do... I also have to take responsibility for my own actions. I was wrapped up in a world of gossip and found fault with everyone for the smallest of infractions. I had no grace for other people and was so bitter in my own life.  

I would love to tell you there was a turning point in my life that made me realize how wrong I was. Unfortunately, I cannot do that. It was only by the grace of God I started realizing that everything I had to say was negative. My husband pointed it out to me a few times too. I finally reached a point in my life that I decided to start looking for good! It took much prayer, but no matter how annoyed I was I chose not to voice it. I chose to keep it to myself and pray about it. I chose to start finding anything good I could think of from every annoyance that surrounded me.

Laundry keeps piling up --> Atleast we have clothes to wear
My husband snores --> Atleast I know he's breathing
The waitress was rude --> Maybe she just got some really bad news and is scared
That car is in my way --> Maybe the Lord is keeping me from a wreck up ahead
Our kids aren't listening to me --> Atleast I have children who are healthy & well

Do you see? Even though life annoyances are real and true... I can have understanding for those hardships while still finding a positive about them. I am not at all saying this is easy. Especially in the beginning. I *am* saying it's possible to do!!

Now, so many years later... I no longer complain about the small annoyances of life. I do not find myself looking for fault in others. Sarcasm no longer drips from my words and contention is far from my being. In Psalm 19:14 it says, "My rock and my Redeemer" because God can transplant us from the sin we are in and set us up on solid rock, a firm foundation! Redeemer is the Hebrew word goel and means kinsman-redeemer. A kinsman redeemer buys their relative out of slavery when the "slave" cannot pay for himself. He rescues him from total loss and ruin. King David (who wrote this Psalm) looked to God as his Kinsman-Redeemer. 

I also know that God redeemed me from the sins of my mouth and the meditations of my prideful heart. In doing so, it truly saved my marriage! It is only through knowing that God can redeem you of your sin that you can relinquish these sins unto Him. If you are not true to yourself about what sin you're in or you choose to ignore the fact that your words aren't pleasing to Him and the people surrounding you, then there's no hope for Him to redeem your words & thoughts. We must be real and open ourselves up to the fact that the words of our mouth are as deadly and as sinful as a loaded weapon. 

So what will you choose? Will you choose for your words and thoughts to be redeemed and therefore pleasing to the Lord or will you once again load your weapon and aim for the one who is closest in your path? Your child? Your spouse? Your coworker? 

Start looking for the beauty among the ashes and finding gratitude in the mundane...

Let the Lord be your Kinsman-Redeemer too! Let Him set you free from killer statements & thoughts!

Loving God with our Mind

I had the privilege of hearing Jen Wilkins speak at a Women's Leadership Conference just a few weeks ago. I also have had the privilege of reading her book, "Women of the Word" and have been enlightened by a new concept. Loving God with your mind!

I've been deep in the word since July of this year, and I must tell you... the more I read, the hungrier for God's Word I get!  I want to know more. I want to understand more. I want to gorge on His word and digest it deep within my soul! For me, someone who felt stupid for much of my life... this is *exciting* to me!!

I have a women's breakfast coming up in a couple of days for our church and felt really compelled to share this new concept with them...loving God with your mind! So here is what I wrote. Some of it from my own studies and some of it adapted from Jen Wilkin's book.

Did you know the word disciple means “learner”? As a disciple of Christ, you and I are called to learn, and learning requires effort.

Mark 12:30 and Luke 10:27 both command us to 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

The Bible is a book that boldly and clearly reveals who God is on every page. In Genesis it does this by placing God as the subject of creation. In Exodus, it places him in comparison to Pharaoh and the gods of Egypt. In the Psalms, David extols the Lord’s power and majesty. The prophets proclaim his wrath and justice. The Gospels & Epistles unfold his character in the person and work of Christ. The book of Revelation displays his dominion over all things. From beginning to end the Bible is a book about God.

We are so often mislead into thinking the Bible is really about us though. Asking it to teach us how to live and assure us that we are loved and forgiven. We are these things!! But the purpose of the Bible isn’t just about me or written solely to help me.

We must turn around our habit of asking “Who am I?” and we must ask, “What does this teach me about God?” We must acknowledge that this book is about God before we can ask it to teach us anything about ourselves. The bible was given to us so that we can learn who God is, so that we can receive more wisdom about the truths of God, and in turn… fall more in love with Him.

When we know something, then we love that something, don’t we? When I met Andy, then I knew I loved him, but truthfully I did not *really* know Andy. We met on the internet in July. We were engaged in October and got married in June. Being in 2 different states, We saw eachother less than 10 times before we got married although we talked by phone often. Did we really know eachother? Not at all! Although we thought we did!! Now that I know him… really know him.. 12 years later, then I love him so much more today than I *thought* I loved him 13 years ago.

I also love architecture and old buildings and anything to do with history. I love the dress of the 1800’s and history of what it was like to live in the early 1900’s. I relish anything historical. I love to watch period dramas and read historical fiction. The more I learn about the hard work it takes to create architectural pieces of art, then the more I appreciate it. The more I learn about the reason for the dress of days long ago or how they lived, then I fall in love with that era even more. The more I learn, the more I love it and appreciate it. The same is true with God.

A Yale PhD professor of cognitive psychology who specializes in pleasure research who studied how humans develop the ability to derive pleasure from people, experiences, and things. He has discovered through his research that pleasure doesn’t simply occur, it develops. And how it develops is a point worth noting: “People ask me, “’How do you get more pleasure out of life?’ and my answer is extremely academic: Study more.”

Attaching our intellect to our faith doesn’t come easily though. For many of us, the strength of our faith is gauged by how we’re feeling… about a song, about a sermon, about our quiet time. However, in Romans 12:2-3 says “Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind.” In this verse, Paul states we can have renewal, but we have to renew our mind… not our heart. 

It's a wonderful thing when our hearts overflow with affection for the Lord, but emotion alone isn't enough. John Piper rightly says, "The apex of glorifying God is enjoying him with the heart. But this is an empty emotionalism where that joy is not awakened and sustained by true views of God for who he really is." The way we know God truly in our hearts is through the right use of our minds.

As we grow in wisdom of who God is and His character through studying His Word, we cannot help but grow into a much deeper love for Him. This further explains why Romans 12:2 says we are transformed by the renewing of our minds.

1 Chronicles 28:9 “And you, my son Solomon, acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the LORD searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever.

David asked Solomon to serve God with both his heart and mind. Some people are all heart and no mind in their service to God; others are all mind and no heart. Both of these are important in order to truly serve Him.

The crux of it is… Bible study that equips us doesn’t divorce our heart from studying. It puts the heart in the right place: informed by the mind.

Time of New Beginnings

We moved to Northwestern Kentucky at the beginning of January from East Tennessee. I had a thriving Pampered Chef business that I had built over the last 3 years. I loved my business, my customers, and the self-worth I felt in what the Lord had given me the wisdom to build.

Growing up in a home where I experienced gaslighting (click on gaslighting to get more information on what gaslighting is) on a consistent basis I felt like I was in a constant state of confusion. Anytime I questioned my mom (as a child or an adult), stood up for myself against accusations, shared my viewpoints, etc. then I was repeatedly told, "That's not what happened and you know it." or "It's because you're so sensitive." or "That's not true." So I was left trying to figure out if what I thought was true was really true. Could it be that I was wrong about what I thought was true? I felt a little crazy.. most of the time! I would spend *days* going over conversations in my mind and trying to sort out the details so I could understand what the "truth" was. It was mentally exhausting.

Due to my "constant state of confusion" I felt truly unintelligent. I didn't feel bright at all. So for me to have built a good business from the ground up made me feel clever! It made me feel like I was capable of great things! After my shows, customers would sit around a table, eat my delicious creations, and praise my accomplishments for a great, entertaining show. They relished the food I prepared for them. I was shocked! I didn't think I could be good at anything!!

So you see, when we moved away from my thriving business I mourned the loss of what I would no longer have. I had the possibility of re-starting my business, but every time I prayed about starting a Pampered Chef business here I just didn't have any sort of peace about it. I even had shows lined up and after much, much prayer I realized the Lord didn't want me to continue on with the business I loved. Despite the fact I didn't understand this call, I obeyed.


So now, fast forward from my resignation to now, exactly 4 months. The Lord has opened up so many doors for me to be in teaching positions here! Unfortunately, none of these are paid, but it's my prayer that I am helping women grow in their relationships with Jesus and that's worth so much more than a paycheck!  I am now teaching 11 Kindergarten & 1st grade students in our homeschool co-op! This is a brand new concept for me, but I'm having so much fun with these sweet kiddos! I have been teaching a bible study with Beth Moore for about 3 months now and the blessings of this bible study has nourished my dry & weary soul in a splendid way!! Lastly, the Lord just recently opened up the opportunity for me to start a women's Sunday School class on Sunday mornings at our church! Whew.. 3 classes! I would've laughed if you told me this a year ago! It takes much time and preparation, but I am reveling in it! I am passionate about supporting women in their journey of truth about Jesus! What a blessing and an honor as He has bestowed these classes upon me!

It's interesting that when we give up the things we love... when the Lord calls us to do so... then He brings us bigger blessings more than we could expect! I look back now and all I can think is, "Okay Lord! I get it now! There's no way I could run my business, homeschool 2 kids + a toddler, be a pastor's wife, and teach 3 classes!" The latter 3 keep me busy enough!! God is good and His faithfulness endures forever!!

Isaiah 52:1-3 

"Awake, awake, O Zion, 

clothe yourself with strength. 

Put on your garments of splendor...

Shake off your dust; 

rise up, sit enthroned, O Jerusalem, 

Free yourself from the chains on your 

neck, 

O Captive Daughter of Zion. 

For this is what the Lord says: 

'You were sold for you nothing, 

and without money you will be 

redeemed.'" 

Hallelujah and AMEN!

Celebrating Deliverance

I have been pretty candid on my blog so far about having to walk away from mentally & emotionally abusive relationships and the fear that is still a stronghold (although it's thankfully dwindling) in my life. However, as I am wrapping up my bible study on the book of Esther with Beth Moore the Lord continues to reveal to me that He holds me in His hands. I am excited to tell you, Friend... He holds you too!!

Please allow me to share a few things I've learned over the last few days that are cultivating my continued healing.

Esther 9:19 tells us of the new appointed holiday that the Jews will annually celebrate. This is because they are free from the decree that was put on them by Haman to annihilate and destroy all of them. They decided to celebrate... they chose joy!! Beth Moore states, "Because Christ has overcome sin and the grave, any day can be a day of joy, but can you imagine the impact of becoming deliberate about it?"

Feast of Purim

So on this special day they give presents and special food to each other along with throwing feasts & banquets. In the passage, you'll see the word gift or present.Those words can mean gift of food or even something more than food. Let me dig deeper and tie this together for you with more scripture! Psalm 16:5-6 says "you make my 'lot' secure" and in Esther 3:7 the word "lot" is also used when Haman threw lots to see what day the Jews' slaughter would be held.
The word "lot" here is the SAME Hebrew word as gift! The 3 words favor, portions (aka presents), and lots are interlaced. Beth declares, "No matter what life - or Satan himself - hands us, the favor God has on His children causes that "lot" to tumble out on the table in such a way that, instead of destruction the child will discover that her portion is turned into destiny one trusting step at a time. When all is said and done, she will see that the portion God assigned her was good. Right. Rich. Full of purpose."

Psalm 16:5 ESV "The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot." This verse really spoke to me!

I have seen the goodness of my God! He has rescued me from my enemies. The day we can realize this... that God has the best plans for us when we follow Him, then we will have "a day of joy and feasting, a day for giving presents to eachother" (Esther 9:19, NIV)

Beth Moore states, "We glorify God when we celebrate our deliverance."

So I continue to share with you reflections of my redemption. As raw as it is,as painful as it's been, and as victorious as I stand. This blog is not about me. It's about my deliverance.... and that's about Jesus! So when I celebrate my deliverance by sharing my story with you (God called me to do so), then I am glorifying God! "God gave His one and only Son as His portion and we who receive Him have the joy of giving to others out of that lavish portion." - Beth

So, let me leave you with one last set of verses. Here is the original verse: Psalm 30:1-3,11-12 and here for you is my version and the account of my deliverance.

I will exalt You, O Lord, for You are my Redeemer and did not let my enemies gloat over me. O Lord my God, I called to You for help and You rescued me.

O Lord, You brought me up from the grave; you spared me from mental abuse, the perfection I once sought, and the hopelessness I once felt.

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with righteousness, joy, kindness, gladness, hope, love, peace, and grace that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you praise forever!!

Better with Boundaries

For many years I have struggled with putting boundaries in place. Learning that it's okay to say no. Realizing that if I am unable to be apart of something or choose not to do it, then I am not in sin.

 I grew up in a home of high expectations. I was not allowed to have an opinion and I most certainly was not allowed to say no. However, my thoughts and attitudes were secretly expected to match those of my mother. This left me in a perpetual state of guessing her desires and trying to live up to them. That's a day in the life as a child of a narcissist. 

For many years I was in counseling. Learning who I was and who I'm not. Determining I'm not persistently in sin or bad for having my own thoughts & desires. Grasping this new idea of boundaries. Through counseling and reading books I realized that boundaries are a Christian thing to do. It's something God himself does. It is not sinful and it is not wrong and boundaries are actually a sign of being healthy!

I learned this concept about 5 years ago. Truly put it into practice 2 years ago. Fought for my life with it 1 year ago. Fought & won! It was a battle of boundaries to pull myself up from the mire I was sinking in and declare myself an adult Christian woman with a family who deserved to be treated respectfully & honorably. Psalm 69:14 "Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink; deliver me from those who hate me, from the deep waters." was my anthem... and God did that for me!

So yes, I was rescued! I fought the battle! I won the war! God and me!! Truthfully though, I still wrestle with my old demons of feeling "bad" and "unworthy" and "unrighteous" for setting boundaries. Even though over and over the Lord has revealed to me that I am not in sin. In fact, I am choosing to follow Him instead of the idols of pleasing people.

THEN!! This week in Esther the Lord revealed something big to me!! Esther set a HUGE boundary! Haman had set a date to kill her and all her people. She had gone before the King twice! The second time she revealed to him what Haman was planning... annihilation of her people. The King stormed out and Haman stayed behind with Esther to plead for his life. Harem protocol in those days was that no man should be alone with one of the King's women and even moreso, not within 7 feet! Haman, however, *fell on the couch* where Esther was laying. He really felt he had nothing more to lose! 

So let me pause for a moment. I've set boundaries and they weren't accepted well... at all. Later, after boundaries were kept in place, then I was given apologies. Half-hearted apologies. Not sincere ones. Just shame-inducing excuses to try and get me back into a place where I used to be.. under the influence of mental abuse. I didn't accept these apologies. Although, in my heart I had forgiven these boundary-less and merciless people who wreaked havoc in my life. I had taken them to the cross of Jesus and left them there for Him to heal and help. Because, honestly, I no longer could.

Now, returning to Esther. Beth Moore says, "I don't think she could take the chance that he or the situation would change. Furthermore, does begging for one's life equal repentance? Is anything more natural or instinctive than pleading for your own skin when it's in jeopardy?" I hear that! I recognize that sort of apology! It isn't for the sake of truly seeking repentance... it's purely for the advantage of someone else's reputation.

"So long as an enemy as powerful and shrewd as Haman lived he was a threat to Esther, Mordecai, and the Jewish community. To say here that Esther was merciless and unfeeling is to misinterpret the entire situation. Thus, while her heart might have prompted her to be merciful, logic and prudence restrained her." - Carey, Moore, The Anchor Bible Commentary.

So the truth is, Friends, boundaries are important. For all of us, even Queens of Persia! They aren't sinful or ungodly. They are necessary. Beth Moore states that if someone goes out of their way to harm someone else they're digging a pit. Psalm 7:15-16 "Whoever digs a hole and scoops it out falls into the pit they have made.The trouble they cause recoils on them;  their violence comes down on their own heads." Haman dug his pit. "Knowingly or not, Haman had placed himself in Satan's hands only to be betrayed by him. It happens every time." - Beth Moore. 

My family dug their pit by choosing to ignore me beseeching them for grace and extensions of mercy. For years, I asked them to listen to me instead of ignore me. To talk respectfully to my husband and me instead of calling me names or disparage my man. For years, I begged and cried. I demanded and hoped. I wrote letters and I waited. The pit was dug. As Beth says, "In effect Christ says, 'I'm already great enough for both of us,' relieving the willing of their woeful burden. 'Just follow Me.'" So I chose to lay down the life of mental abuse, and walk away.. as hard as that was.. to the life that Jesus had intended for me. I laid down my life and followed Jesus! 

So, I share this all with you to say that once again the Lord redeemed me this week from the shackles of fear. Fear that I am not a good person. Fear that I am sinful for setting boundaries. Fear that I am "bad". He continues to redeem me and set me free. He continues to rescue me and show me that I am His! 

I can identify with Paul in the Bible who says "But whatever I am now, it is all because God poured out his special favor on me--and not without results. For I have worked harder than any of the other apostles; yet it was not I but God who was working through me by his grace." 1 Corinthians 15:10

Fearful Existence

Being the daughter of a narcissistic mother and a self-absorbed father caused me to question many things in my childhood. I tiptoed along the edges of my life fearful of what would lay around the corner. I didn't feel safe. Not emotionally. Which transferred into not feeling safe physically. I was never sure if my mom would be happy with me or if she would explode her frustrations before me. If she was in a good mood, then all seemed right in the world. More often than not, she was in a depressed mood. Which translated, "leave me alone." If things were not done the way she wanted them accomplished, then there was a huge price to pay. She would explode and when she did it was a tsunami of emotions that threatened to drown me. It felt lonely and uncertainty loomed above me. I was never sure why she was so angry. I couldn't understand how trying my "best" was never good enough. I didn't like being blamed for situations out of my control. However, all these things were embedded deep into my memory bank to remind me of how stupid, how wrong, and how bad I was.

As a young child, I didn't understand these emotions. Now that I do, I can tell you that most children with narcissistic parents wrestle with fear. My fear translated itself into safety within my home. What if we were broken into? What if someone tried to kill me in my sleep? I could crawl out my window, but there are woods behind me and I might get lost. Every night, I tried to figure out what I'd do if & when this happened. My emotional fear had transferred itself and threatened my physical safety. Which, oddly enough, only created more fear & emotional turmoil inside of me.

Today, I still wrestle with fear. Fearful of being broken into. Fearful that I may appear stupid when talking with others.... that I might say the wrong thing. Fearful that I am not liked. Fearful that others will think poorly of me. I'll admit to you though, the times that my fear runs the most rampant in my mind, is when I am not taking care of myself emotionally. I have to be diligent to stay in God's word. I have to keep my boundaries strong for what I want & desire for my life and not allow others to determine those boundaries for me. I have to reach out and ask for help when my fear is threatening to overtake me. When we bring our fear out of the darkness & into the light of God, then satan can no longer use those fears to haunt us.

For years, I have chosen to unshackle my prisons of fear. It is something I take to the cross every day, because I serve a big God!! 

Sometimes we are afraid, sometimes this “spirit of fear” overcomes us, and to overcome it we need to trust in and love God completely. “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love” (1 John 4:18). No one is perfect, and God knows this. That is why He has liberally sprinkled encouragement against fear throughout the Bible. Beginning in the book of Genesis and continuing throughout the book of Revelation, God reminds us to “Fear not.”

Friends, I love the different names of God! The one I am continuing to learn about Him right now is His name, El Elroi. Which means, God Who Sees! I love that He sees my affliction and knows my heart. I love that He knows when nobody else knows. I love that He knows when I don't know. I love that He is the all-knowing, ever seeing, and always loving God! He has me in His hands and it's with His power that I continue to turn my fear over to Him and allow Him to make me perfect in His love. He can do the same for you, Friend! 

Jesus can cast fear out of your life. Jesus can cast drug addition out of your life. Jesus can heal you from your sexual sin. Jesus can bring you to Himself and save you out of the darkness you're in! How do I know this? Because Jesus continues to redeem me from the mentally abusive childhood I endured and it is Jesus who has healed my brokenness and made me new! He knows, Friend... He knows!!! Will you let Jesus know you today?

Psalm 84:11-12 "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you."

Preparation and Praise

I have to tell you.... within my heart... I can feel the Lord moving. I can feel Him calling my name. I can rest beside Him and He beside me and we can just be. I don't know how to put into words this feeling. I feel His presence so strongly right now and although we've been facing trials with my husband's secular job... I can feel His voice quietly within me speaking peace into the ears of my heart.

I feel He is calling me to something. I don't know what it is yet, but I cannot wait to find out either! I felt this way last Summer as the Lord was calling us into ministry and my husband had put resumes into the hands of many committees across the US. I could feel the magnitude of His glory surrounding us, preparing us, speaking mercy over us, and preparing our paths before us. It was a time of anxious anticipation. "Where will you take us, Lord?" "What will it be like, Father?" "Will we move far away?" "How do we tell our children?" For the record, He totally took care of everything... down to the last detail. Even our children were excited to move, which I know was nothing short of the grace of God! I had mentioned possibly moving to them months before (when we first felt the Holy Spirit whispering us in the direction of full-time ministry) and we were met with instant crying & fear from our two eldest children.

So tonight, my heart is just downright giddy. I know He is preparing me for something and I can't wait to find out what it is. He has shown us the way before and I know He will show me the way this time too! Last Summer, He prepared for us this place we are now. A place for full-time ministry that required a move 6 hours from home. It has had a few days of loneliness, but overall it's been an incredible source of blessing & joy to our family!



Everywhere I look I can see His hands at work! I want to share with you just how vast His love is! Our financial situation is t-i-g-h-t. So tight, if we tried to snap the "rubber band" of our budget elasticity it would pop! In the last month, Andy's hours were cut in his secular job. Cut in half! We have made it through, only by the grace of God, and we are praising Him that Andy's hours have gone back up to what we need!

In the meantime, our middle son's birthday is Saturday and he wants a basketball goal. A new goal is $100+ to get one for his age. We don't have $100 to spend on a birthday present. A friend of a friend happens to be selling a goal for $50. I wasn't sure how we were even going to afford $50, truthfully. God knew though! I still owe some money to a lady whose service I used for a homeschool need. I talked with her just last night and she offered to me that she wasn't in desperate need for the money and that if I need to pay part of it now and part of it later that she was willing to do that for us. (I had not mentioned our financial need. I did not ask her for this offering. It was simply emailed to me and an unexpected gift!) I was so thankful for that blessing, because now we could get the basketball goal! Only thing is we don't have a truck. So I spoke with the seller and her husband is willing to deliver it to us as we don't live too far from one another.

I know this seems trivial and minute. However, I beg you to reconsider. It proves to me that we serve an on-time God who cares about ALL of our needs.... and wants! He prepares the way for us... all the way down to a birthday present for our child. I am beyond thankful for this tapestry the Lord wove to work all of this out for us. God is so faithful, my Friends!



Do you have a moment in your life that may seem trivial from the outside, but YOU know that it's nothing short of God's glory being woven for you?

My Honor Depends on God

I am feeling the need to be transparent and share something quite personal about myself. I hate my birthday. I just celebrated it and it summons memories of my childhood that I don't like and it conjures a sense of entitlement within me. Which is purely self-serving and breeds an unsatisfying desire for worthiness.

As the child of a narcissist there weren't many days that I felt okay to be me. Most days I felt unheard, unloved, and unsure of my life. I wasn't allowed to have an opinion. I wasn't given the freedom to choose my likes or dislikes. I was hyper-vigilant to the needs & desires of everyone around me, except myself.

However, on my birthday, my mother would plan a huge party for my sister and me. She rented bowling alleys, movie theaters, and community pools for our parties. We invited lots of friends. We ordered lots of pizza. We had a great time. Birthdays and major holidays were the only days that I felt special and wanted. Even as an adult, my mother made a huge deal of my birthday and I relished every moment of it. However, please understand... the lures of honor that she dangled in front of me cost me my life.

Not my life in the physical sense. But my life in the spiritual & emotional sense. Who I was. What I was about. My premise as a girl, my premise as a woman. The lures of grandiosity, honor, favor, gifts, money, & lavish meals out cost me my person-hood. I bit the lures and held on with great fervor in hopes that she really did love me as a person. However, the truth has been revealed to me as I've escaped the clutches of fictional favor. It is not out of love that these things were given or lured. No, it was out of selfish grandiosity and ego-inflamation. She felt good about herself. I praised her and thanked her for her generosity. Which is everything a good narcissist lives for! However, the day after my birthday and holidays.. the same feelings of inadequacy returned. The yelling returned. The offensive comments returned. The dismissals of who I am & my concerns for these things all returned.

So as an adult, I often desire a huge birthday celebration, and when I don't get one I turn into a 5 year old at a circus being told they cannot ride the elephant. I demand honor and respect for *my* birthday. I want to be put on a pedestal and admired and loved. I expect to be wooed and coddled and celebrated because I am me and this was the day that *I* was born!  Seriously though, is that even reality? No, it's not.

I approached this last birthday with self-made promises that I would not go down that road again this year. It is unrealistic. It is selfish. I am an adult woman and do not need, nor deserve this sort of admiration. My day came and for the most part I did okay. However, evening approached, and my selfish, conceited ways reared their ugly head.... and I threw a huge fit!

The last few days as I've looked back on it. Talked with my husband & Godly mentor about the situation and prayed over my behavior. I must tell you... I don't know how much longer I'll hold onto my past of never feeling adequate. I desire to be free, completely free, from these shackles! I long to not walk memory lane contemplating my childhood. I don't want that to be the definition of me, because it's not. My childhood and my narcissistic mother do not define me. God does!! My mentor said to me, "Would it be better to be unloved 364 days of the year in order to be loved just 1 day? Or would you prefer to be loved 365 days of the year including your birthday too? Because your husband, your children, your friends... they love you 365 days of the year. However, you're holding onto that childhood moment of being loved just 1 day. So which would you prefer?" Friends, that statement jolted me like a lightning bolt!

I am going through Esther right now and thinking how much I was like Haman this week. Esther 6:6 "Now Haman thought to himself, 'Who is there that the king would rather honor than me?' " The truth is.. I was being presumptuous with a sense of entitlement just like Haman was in that moment.

Beth Moore says this, "One of the bad things about an insatiable desire for honor is that sooner or later it's going to make a fool of us, robbing us of the very thing we intended to receive."

How guilty I am of this! It is so humbling to admit to these things. Pride plays into the hands of the enemy. However, the Lord is calling me to tell my story and be transparent. Sisters, this is part of my story.. as much as I hate it. The Lord continues to redeem me and this week, He is freeing me of this.

"If we cannot wait upon the Lord, then we cannot fill our destiny." - Beth Moore

This is the truth: Psalm 62:7 "My salvation and my honor depend on God; 

He is my rock, my refuge."

I don't need 1 day of honor from my mother in order to receive 364 days of mental abuse. All I need is Jesus 365 days and to receive the fullness of love from my God-given family I am so blessed to have.

So I ask you, are you presumptuous of honor? Will you join me in taking it to the Cross? Our salvation and our honor depend on God and He alone is our rock & our refuge! Amen!

Choosing Redeemed

As I am studying the book of Esther in the Bible alongside Beth Moore's wonderful study, Esther: It's Tough Being a Woman then the Lord is convicting me of much. In her DVD's she spoke last week about being transparent. Beth said, "One of the most important parts of fulfilling our destiny is transparency."

 Then, we studied chapter 4 this week in the book of Esther. How Esther had to choose would she be her Jew given name, Hadassah or would she choose to be her Persian given name, Esther? Hadassah the Jew was as much apart of the Jewish annihilation that was scheduled to take place in just 11 short months. Hadassah the Jew wasn't exempt from losing her life or her family [Mordecai]. However, Esther the Persian was wife to the King. No one in the royal household knew that she was Jewish. Esther the Persian hadn't been summoned by the King in 30 days. Esther the Persian would have to risk her life if she went before the King without being asked to come there first.

So who would she choose to be? Hadassah the Jew or Esther the Perisan? She came to the realization that either way she was destined to perish, but there was one exception. Going to the King may mean he would reach out his sceptor and if he did that then her life would be spared.

"Esther would identify herself with her covenant people even if it killed her. If it didn't, life as she'd known it was dead anyway. There was no way back. She must step into the unknown known and into the hiddenness completely unhidden." - Beth Moore

So as I've pondered on the teachings of Beth Moore and what the Lord has for me in this little book of Esther I feel more and more as if the Lord is telling me to tell my story. It scares me. I don't know what it will look and feel like to tell my story. I don't know if it will be accepted by others or if I will be judged by others. It scares me to think that it may not be accepted. Much like, I'm sure, Esther was fearful of not being accepted by King Xerxes.


So now it's my turn to decide. Will I be the broken damaged Deborah that I once was or will I be the redeemed Deborah who now knows she is a child of the One, True King?
"As much as my flesh wanted relief, I knew that when all was said and done, I'd sit on that side of glory having much rather fulfilled my calling than served myself all the way to meaninglessness. I had to accept that I was not called to an easy life. I was called to a purposeful life." - Beth Moore

So here I am at this crossroads and I choose to let the Lord use me. Despite my fears. Despite the unknown. Despite the possible judgement. I am His and who knows? Maybe I was created for such a time as this? {paraphrased from Esther 4:14}

Attacks From The Enemy

Attacks from Satan can come in many packages. For the last 3 weeks I've been attacked in a major way. I'm a person who likes to be busy and I like structure. When that gets interrupted, then I start feeling unsure of myself. I waiver in my responses. I start down a spiral of self-condemnation and it's a battle that often leads me into sadness.

I have suffered 2 medical issues within the last 3 weeks. For me, who is never sick, then this was a major blow for me. One of them will require a minor, outpatient surgery in the coming weeks. Something I do not look forward to in the least.

Our youngest son had eye surgery in a location 3 hours from home which required multiple trips for pre-op, op, & post-op visits.

My husband's job felt uncertain, although it wasn't... it felt that way. Plus, it's easy to make things bigger in your mind then they really are.  That's exactly what satan wants, in fact.

I got some things in the mail from my family, whom I had to separate myself from due to extreme narcissism & abuse, and that mail wasn't welcome. It was shocking, in fact. It rocked me to my core. The mental & emotional abuse I've sustained throughout my life is a testimony to the redemption I now have in Jesus. I am grateful He rescued me from the abuse. When an "abuser" sends you things you aren't expecting, then it can easily strike fear within your heart.

Plus some other everyday issues that just added to the mix.

Then, a few days ago as I was trying to pull myself out of the sadness I was drowning in... I was *determined* to have a good day. I woke up and told our kids that we could go to the community pool. We got ready and headed there. It was 10 am and we realized once we got there that they don't open til 11. So we headed down the road to the park for an hour. Our middle son, 6 years old, was stung by a wasp while playing. We ended up still going to swim and thankfully they had a first aid kit and helped with the sting.

After we got home, then I realized I'd lost my driver's license along the way. I took it with me in our swimming bag so I wouldn't have to take my entire wallet. Alas, it was lost and nowhere to be found.

Next, before dinner while our daughter took a shower we realize there was a major leak from the bathtub and water was pouring into our 1/2 bath downstairs.

When it rains, it pours, doesn't it? Literally.... pours! Surprisingly, I was able to keep smiling and knowing that God is in control despite the irritations of the day!

When we feel uncertain and rocked to our core that's when we can trust in Jesus to be our certainty and be the rock that we need to hold us up!

Joshua 1:9

"This is my command- be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." 

I love that this isn't a suggestion. It's a command! When we feel the lowest and feel as if we are in the pits of despair, then we can trust in the Lord, our God! He is with us!! With us wherever we go! Whether it's to the pool, the park, or at home! At church, at workplaces, at family gatherings, etc. We can trust and we can know, without a shadow of a doubt, that He is with us and we do not have to be discouraged.

It's during these times that I can look back and see the heartache & hardship, but know that God hasn't left me. Truthfully, friends, it's during these times that God is about to do something great that satan wants to squelch, so he will do whatever he can to get my focus off of God. I look forward to what the Lord has in store for me and I trust that He alone is my salvation and because of Him I am not afraid and I am not discouraged.

"Sometimes providence can be defined as times when God trumps your perfectly good plan with one of His own... then seems to disappear from it. Take heart, Beloved! He's right there and He's there right." -Beth Moore: Esther

What about you? Have you ever been attacked by satan in such a way that rocked you to your core only to see the Hand of God prevail?

Unlikely Calling

Growing up in a narcissistic world my mom taught me that beauty was skin deep. It wasn't our hearts that the Lord looked at. I strived to attain the perfection she sought. She wanted my hair fixed and my best outfit on. If my skirt was knee-length (as a teenager) then I was told I should wear it shorter. "Men prefer short skirts." I was told. I had long hair and would often wear it in a pony tail. "Men prefer your hair down. You should fix it because it's so beautiful down." People in public were ridiculed behind the closed doors of our vehicle & home. "She should not be wearing that." "That outfit does nothing for her body." "Did you see her stomach showing?" "She looks really fat in that outfit." The comments were constantly spoken into my ears.

I now know that my mother's narcissistic attempts to find anything wrong with other women of this world really just was an attempt to make herself feel better. To make herself think she's worthy. The narcissistic world is truly an insecure place to live in and be apart of. I am ever so grateful that the Lord pulled me out of the toxicity of never-met-perfection. So, if I can be real with you: I struggle with beauty. I like getting dressed up and putting on big earrings and wearing makeup. I prefer the way it looks on me and in turn it makes me confident in myself. Sometimes, however, I struggle with wanting to dress down. Not do my hair or makeup and wear sweats out of the house. It's not something I can bring myself to do... yet. I worry about the "mother's" out there who will criticize me behind closed doors. I am LEARNING that beauty isn't just skin deep. It's my heart that reflects the glory of the Lord upon my face that truly matters. It truly matters to the King!! I am a work in progress. One day, with His help, I will break the shackles of distorted beauty in my mind. I will be free to dress down and wear the beauty of the Lord upon my face while doing it. The glory of the Lord upon my face... *that* is beauty, my Friends!

Isaiah 60:1

So as I am studying Esther through Beth Moore I am learning a great deal from this book that's so full of God's glory without His name ever being mentioned. Esther was lovely, unlikely, and an orphan. God used her and I feel certain the Lord can use me. I am still waiting on Him to reveal to me how or why. I am just thankful He is calling me to some form of ministry and allowing me to be His vessel.  Some key things Beth Moore said while in the 2nd week of this study that I truly love:

God chose Esther in spite of what happened to her, not because of it.

You cannot amputate your history from your destiny.

Your past and your future share the same root. That root is Jesus! (Amen!)

God is attracted to weakness. It's in our weakness that He can make us strong!

The things that "are not" is what God uses to nullify the "not" (Are not lovely enough. Are not a good speaker. Are not trained enough. I mean, the list could be endless...)

So in a time of my life that I'm wishing the past would vanish and disappear from me. A time in my life that I am only able to find thanksgiving (Eucharisteo as Ann Voskamp speaks of) only in the Lord, because I struggle to find thanksgiving in every day life right now. A time in my life that I'm wishing I could wipe away all things hurtful. I am realizing that it's only through Him that I am made strong. "I cannot amputate my history from my destiny." The Lord has used that history to shape me and change me and make me, ME! It's only in Jesus that I can find redemption. It's only in Jesus that I continue to receive healing!

So the Lord used an unlikely, orphaned girl who was lovely to look at and with a lovely heart to save her people. I open myself up to the gifts the Lord has to offer me. I lay down at His feet and ask Him what He will have for me and to prepare me for what lies ahead. Knowing that if I will only be weak enough to ask, then He will make me strong enough to go forward into the unknown gifts He has planned for me.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NLT)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

1 Corinthians 1:26-31 (NLT)
26 Remember, dear brothers and sisters, that few of you were wise in the world’s eyes or powerful or wealthy[a] when God called you. 27 Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. 28 God chose things despised by the world,[b] things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important. 29 As a result, no one can ever boast in the presence of God.

30 God has united you with Christ Jesus. For our benefit God made him to be wisdom itself. Christ made us right with God; he made us pure and holy, and he freed us from sin. 31 Therefore, as the Scriptures say, “If you want to boast, boast only about the Lord.”[c]

Is there anything in your life that you feel the Lord is calling you to?